messages i'll never send

the day i realized i had been in love with you for a while

this is such a fucking terrible idea but i'm gonna be honest because keeping it to myself is actually driving me fucking crazy and i literally can barely look at like pictures of you on social media n stuff. i miss you so much and it's kinda bothering me because yeah i liked you we both knew that and i'm sure we were both well aware that i liked you more than you liked me and i think that was what scared you away but anyway it's been nearly two months and i thought i'd be over it but i just like. read or see certain things that remind me of you and i get like a pang of sadness in my chest and for some reason it's just getting worse lol i dont understand why and like ik we agreed to be friends and i thought i was ok with that and i had moved on but for some reason like for the last week and a half i've been reminded of you in some weird ways and i've just broken down into tears and prior to like a week and a half ago it literally only occurred the day we "broke up" or whatever you wanna call it since it both was and wasnt a relationship lmao but i dont know why im such a mess and i've been trying to figure out why because it's bothering me because i THOUGHT i had moved on and was ready to be friends and we havent even talked at all really so i guessed at first that i was just upset we hadnt talked and i felt like i lost another friend (which, isnt rlly true bc i think if u had access to ur phone more maybe you'd say hi more occasionally. at least i hope so.) but after reading about other relationships that had parallels to ours and like just really thinking about everything that happened and my feelings then and now and just all kinds of shit i think i was in love with you? idk if i still am and that's why it hurts or like realizing i loved you is whats making me so emotional recently like i literally cant even finish watching psych bc i feel guilty bc that was our thing lmao but i feel like im lowkey going fucking insane and i feel like telling you will somehow help me but i have a feeling that it'll just make everything worse for you even if it might make me feel better so for now i'm typing this into my notes page on my phone and if in the future you end up seeing this congrats it means something happened or i felt much worse and had to try and say something lol i'm sorry and i know you can't help what you feel but please try to remember that i can't help it either and honestly i hate that i let myself get feelings for you because then we could have just been friends and we wouldn't be in this weird state now and i just don't want to lose you entirely but it feels like i already have.