"What is this Jack..." Her words seemed more like an accusation than a question.
Even though I knew it wouldn't work, I tried denial. "I have no clue, I mean when did that get there?"
She knew I was lying before I even finished. "What would make you do something like this? And I know you did it, so don't pull that with me again."
I couldn't look her in the eyes anymore, I was too ashamed. My hands shook and my breathing became labored.
"I-I can't talk about it. All you have to know is that I'm doing this because it helps, and I don't intend to stop."
"Jack, you have to, if you don't you could..." I could still feel Kate's gaze scorching me like the sun even though she couldn't finish her sentence.
There was an agonizingly interminable silence, in which I thought we might never speak or move again. My throat felt like it was closing, and even though I was just barely breathing, there was sweat beginning to dampen my shirt. I so badly wished I could take off my hoodie and do a swan dive into a pile of snow to cool off, but I forgot how to move.
"I never planned on showing anyone this, I didn't think it would ever matter again because I don't do it anymore..." Kate broke the silence,
and I let out the breath I didn't know I was holding.
When she said nothing more, I took a chance and glanced up at her. She moved her left arm to her right sleeve and tugged it up, revealing purple lines of skin where several deep gashes once separated it.
"I can tell you it gets better, whatever it is you're going through, will pass. I said we were in the same boat, but we're only in the same river. Your boat is a little behind mine, but that's okay I can help you-"
Before she even finished her sentence, silent tears slid down my expressionless face.
I used to never let people see me cry, and yet that was the second time that day I'd broken down in front of someone. I wasn't even crying for me; I was crying for her. She was in enough pain to cut her own skin, just like me. I felt relief that someone understood what it was like, but at the same time I felt like enveloping her in a huge embrace and kissing her scars. How could someone so beautiful and kind ever feel as hopeless as I feel right now? This new knowledge cut me deeper than my ice dagger could ever go. It cut straight into my soul, and now, it was pouring out my eyes.
"I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you cry, it'll be okay." Kate's voice gently coaxed me out of my thoughts.
I couldn't hold back anymore, my arms wrapped themselves around her of their own accord. At first her body was stiff, as if she wasn't used to affection, but soon her tense muscles melted and she hugged me back.
"Jack, you have to stop hurting yourself. If you can't do it for you, then do it for me, okay? I know we just barely know each other, but please stop." Kate pleaded as she rubbed her hand on my shoulder.
"I wish I could tell you what you want to hear Kate Alder." I sniffled as I spoke. So, so weak. "I wish I could tell you I'll be okay and promise to stop... but I don't want to lie to you. I can't control myself anymore. But I can promise you that I'll never leave you as long as you need me though."
"The thing is Jack, now that I know you, I'll never stop needing you. You're a part of my life now, whether you like it or not," Kate smiled sadly.
I pulled away from the hug when I got too hot and reached for Kate's right wrist. I placed the most delicate kiss on the healed slash marks as a tear slipped down my face and onto the floor.
"Jack... What are you doing? I'm fine, I don't need you to do this for me." Kate looked shaken up, and that bothered me.
"I don't care if you don't need it. I want to do it because you deserve someone to tell you it's okay too, so please just let me."
Kate sat down on her bed and I could feel her eyeing my wrist.
"Does it hurt when you do it?" She asked suddenly.
"No, I don't really notice the physical pain over all the pain I feel inside."
After I finished my sentence, I could feel a slight frost creeping up my neck. I couldn't believe I just told her that.
"Why do you ask?" I questioned, trying to distract myself from what I'd just admitted.
"I was just wondering."
Another lengthy silence overtook us, and I wanted to be the one to break it this time.
"What about you?" I asked.
"What?"
"Did it hurt you?"
"Oh yeah, a lot."
"Then why did you keep doing it?"
Kate took a deep breath before she spoke. "Because I want to feel something else other than the suffocation that is my reality."
Kate wouldn't meet my gaze anymore, which made me sad; I missed her eyes.
"You said that like you still feel that way." I said.
"Thats because I do."
A/N: So so so so sorry that it took so long to update and I'm sorry that this chapter is so bad lol if anyone has any suggestions to make it better I will take it into consideration :) Thanks for reading<3
