I was only six years old when I realized how my father really acted. Especially towards my mother who tried to protect me.
I thought it was okay. I didn't think anything was out of the normal. I was six, what did you expect? That I knew what was right from wrong in that situation? Because I didn't.
I had two older brothers, Seungho and Seungwon. They both watched after me equally whenever my mother couldn't. My father did not care to.
Me and my brothers watched from the hallway as he spoke nasty words at my mother.
"I come home and this is what I get out of it? A dirty f**king house?! I'm the one who keeps a roof above your heads and all you do is sit around, huh?!" He yelled at my mother with no mercy in his voice. "Start by cleaning up this f**king kitchen." He grabbed a glass cup and threw it to the floor before walking away to wherever he decided to go.
"Momma!" I yelled, running towards my mother in worry. She picked me up and set me on her hip.
"It's okay, baby." She assured as she kissed my head.
"Mom, why is dad so mad these days?" My oldest brother, Seungho, asked. He was ten at the time.
"He's just stressed with work. Don't worry about it." My mom shook her head.
"I don't think he should just assume those things though, momma." My older eight year old brother, Seungwon, said.
I cuddled closer into my mother, feeling safe in her arms.
"Why don't you all go play? Momma has some work to do." She passed me over to my brother. I was a small child so I was extremely light.
That was when I was six.
When I turned eight, everything was worst.
"Seungmin, move you useless sh*t." I moved quickly out of his way, knowing I would just be yelled out in the process.
My parents fought but it always ended up turning on my mom. Everything was always her fault. Never my father's. At least, that was how it always ended.
More comments came from my father like "You're ugly", "stop being a waste of space" and more.
Eleven years old I met a boy named Jisung in school and we became friends. But I wasn't a good friend.
Because my father made me feel worthless, that's exactly what I did to Jisung. I made him feel worthless. Instead of looking for help I hurt him.
"Hey, Seungmin."
"Shut up."
"S-sorry."
"You're so annoying, just shut up already, Jisung!"
I was so mean but I thought it was okay.
My father did it to me. He was my example in my life. I followed my example and it turned into me becoming a bully.
And I lost Jisung because of it.
"Seungmin, I can't do this anymore. You're so mean to me! I try to be your friend but all you do in return is put me down. So don't call me your friend because we aren't friends."
I realized it was my fault. I realized everything was wrong with what I did to Jisung. I didn't expect him to pity me and I didn't expect him to like me.
That was just the loss of colors in my life.
