Before//Book 1

🥀Chapter 27🥀11

🥀Daegu : 11:00pm🥀
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🍁Self harm warning 🍁
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I pick myself up from the floor crying . How could my own mother hate me enough to do this to me? I'm ninteen.
My brain turns to spaghetti as I try to think of where I will go , how many more hours will I have to work at the café to support myself while still trying to pay for my future college.
I look into the bathroom mirror at the girl staring back at me. She looks scared, worried and deeply upset.

I fumble in the cuboard as my tears puff my face. I pull out one of Taes razors and click a blade out.
I hold it infront of my facw in the mirror and observe it. Its long , sharp blade scares me. I hesisate before swiping it slowly across my left wrist. Bubbles of blood form and ooze down my hand slowly.
I gasp at both the release of anger and hatred and the sting. I inhale deeply amd close my eyes as I add five more up my arm. Old , near invisible scars seem so much more evident now.

"Chunja?" I jump when I hear Tae's voice outside thw bathroom door.
"I-I'm n-nearly done!" I reply hastily as I chuck the blade and razor into the bin and wipe my bloody arm clean with several wet tissues.
I observe the still slightly bloody lines I now have to hide. Its been a long time.
I open the door once my face is cleaned and all evidence has been flushed down the toilet.
I pull my jumper sleeve down as I exit the bathroom. Tae looks up at mw from the toaster worridly. "You were in there for ages are you okay?"
"Yeah." I laugh slightly nervously. "Yeah I'm fine."
"Toast?" He asks as it pops out of the toaster . I shake my head as I ounce over and sit on the sofa. It would be a good idea to tell him right now, all about my mother, what she said , what will happen now, what I just did to myself in the bathroom.
I opemn my mouth to start but quickly close it. This is my problem. Not his. He doesn't need this kind of stress on his last holiday. I hug a pillow to my chest and curl up.
"What took you do long?" I ask blandly, fixated on my mothers last words.
"There was a firework display at the beach. Seojun wantes to see the whole thing ."
"Pfh, I'm honestly sorry you had to sit through that .
"Meh, he's great fun really." He sighs as he butters his toast.
"Tae thats so burnt." I laugh tiredly with my hand rubbing my temples and my eyes closed.
"Adds a bit of flavour." He shrugs with his mouth full.
"Oh!" His eyes widen and he swallows his toast quickly.
"I realised today we never celebrated your birthday!"

"What?" I furrow my brow. "Oh-oh no -no thats fine I don't care!" I remember .  He looks upset at himself.

"Are you positive? Like 100%? Because if we had more time we could do something if theres anyday you don't have something on your schedule"

"No, all booked up." I smile.

"You look tired you should go to sleep."
" I can't tell if you're insulting me or you're genuinly worried sometimes." I smile as I yawn and stretch my arms over my head .
"Just go to bed." He smiles.
"Nah, I'll wait for you." I stretch out.
He finishes his toast and we both get ready for bed.
I stand in my room in my pajamas.
My cuts are no longer bleeding but have left red marks. I dab concealer onto them with my finger. They become invisible. I sigh into the mirror as I fix my hair.
I enter Tae's room where he already lies asleep in the bed. His plump lips covered in chapstick. His fringe falls effortlessly onto his forehead. One hand grabs the pillow while the other lays out. I crawl quietly as not to wake him up and push his hand back to his side as I slip under the covers and shuffle to face him. I observe his glistening lips in the faint moonlight.
How will I be able to say goodbye to this face?
I scoot forward and press my lips off his as lightly as a feather. His hand moves to my face and strokes my cheek in half conciousness. I smile weakly as I feel a tear rolling down my cheek. I quickly swipe it away before it makes it to his thumb . I wrap my hand around his waist and rest my head under his chin as I drift asleep.