the oblivion

ten

ten.

those little moments that i have with ellis are the moments that makes me realize that love is a wonderful painful feeling.

but that moment when i left ellis' room felt different. it wasn't the feeling of satisfaction from seeing the one you love remember you and tell you that they love you. it was fear that swept through me when i stepped out of the room.

i had this feeling of fear that had knock me into sense that tomorrow or later ellis would no longer know me. it made me think that ellis was no longer his real self. he was almost brain-dead.

he was getting worse by the day, and i didn't enjoy watching it.

it's been a week since he had been hospitalized. he got weaker because he no longer had the strength to eat or do anything.

it was complicated. some days he would know me and i would visit him, some days he would forget me, some days he'd be afraid and other days were just days.

as i walked through the hospital halls, i had an anxious feeling inside me as if i really needed to see ellis. then i saw gregg on the chairs outside ellis' room, his head was pointed down and his hands were resting on his head.

when he heard me take a step closer he looked up. gregg's eyes were red from crying and he looked drained.

"what happened?" i asked gregg worriedly.

he shook his head. "nothing." he stood up and looked at me with genuine concern. "i'm sorry fleur. i'm sorry, i'm so so sorry." he cried.

i held gregg's shoulders, "why?"

he paused and drew out a deep breath. "he didn't want you to know." he started, "he didn't want to say it because he was afraid that you'd run away."

i had a confused look. "say what?" i questioned but gregg didn't answer. "gregg, say what?" each second that passed made me more worried.

"he's dying fleur!" he bursted out, a mixture of anger and sadness in his voice. then he calmed down, "ever since he got confined."

"w-why?" my lips quivered as i felt my body go weak.

he gulped, "kidney failure. he's had it for awhile now but he didn't want anyone to know. it's really bad now."

"so why not have a transplant?" i asked softly.

gregg shook his head again. "he didn't want to. he says that he can't live his life like that forever -forgetting everything. he said maybe it was meant for him."

"but why would he do that?" i slightly raised my voice from fear. tears bursted out my eyes as i fell on the chair beside me.

i felt gregg sit down next to me. "he loves you fleur, and trust me he would live and suffer for you." he stated. "but he says that you're the one suffering for him and he doesn't want that."

"that doesn't mean he needs to decide to end his life!" i spoke, my voice shaky.

"he wants it fleur. ellis is brave and he loves you, but he wants this." gregg explained. "if i were to choose too, i would let him live. but it's his life and he wants it this way."

i wiped the tear off my cheeks and nodded. "does he remember anything today?"

gregg nodded. "everything."

"could i go inside?" i asked him.

"you could, but he's asleep right now." he informed me. then he gestured for me to go inside.

when i stepped in, there was a different feeling. i knew now that ellis could no longer stay with me forever, it wasn't only his memory that would fade but him too.