We're from America (Marilyn Manson)

The Speed of Pain

"They slit our throats
Like we were flowers
And our milk has been devoured

When you want it
goes away too fast
Times you hate it
always seem to last.
Just remember when you think you're free.
The crack inside your fucking heart is me.

(I wanna outrace the speed of pain for another day.
I wanna outrace the speed of pain for another day)

I wish I could sleep
But I can't lay on my back
'Cause there's a knife
For every day that I've known you.

When you want it
goes away too fast
Times you hate it
always seem to last.
Just remember when you think you're free.
The crack inside your fucking heart is me.

(I wanna outrace the speed of pain for another day.
I wanna outrace the speed of pain for another day)

Lie to me, cry to me, give to me
I would
Lie with me, die with me, give to me
I would
Keep all your secrets wrapped in dead hair always
Keep all your secrets wrapped in dead hair always

Lie to me, cry to me, give to me
I would
Lie with me, die with me, give to me
I would

Hope that we die holding hands
Always
Hope that we die holding hands
Always
Hope that we die holding hands
Always

I hope at least we die holding hands for always"

.

When he came into the room, he felt like something was wrong. He saw the bathroom door was closed. He walked up to it and knocked. "Molly?" Silence. He knocked again. Slowly he started panicking. He started banging on the door. He tried opening it. It was locked. He kicked it and it gave way. Then he witnessed the scariest thing in his life. She was lying on the floor. Pale. Her eyes closed. There was a syringe in her vein still. He felt like his heart was going to explode. He started screaming for help. He ran to her, collapsing to his knees he held her body up. "Molly, don't do this to me. Wake up. Please wake up." He slapped her face, but it didn't work. He dragged her body to the bathtub and started pouring ice cold water over her. "God damn it, wake up!"
All of their bandmates ran into their room and asked what was wrong. Then they looked in the bathroom. "What the-" Daisy was cut off by Manson's plea for them to call an ambulance. Twiggy walked out onto the balcony to call the paramedics. Daisy couldn't move. He was shaken to the core. His best friend, his sister was lying there, basically dead. And they had had a fight. They hadn't spoken in weeks. And now she was in critical condition. "What happened Brian?" Pogo asked. Brian answered him through the tears streaming down his face. "I think she overdosed. I found her on the floor, the syringe was still in her vein. Why won't she fucking wake up?!" He screamed.
It hurt so bad. He couldn't breathe. His chest felt so tight. He shook her body again. Her face was white. But it wasn't make-up this time. He saw dried tears on her cheeks. Why would she do this? "WHY?!" He screamed. All of their band mates were standing behind him, not knowing what to do. "They're going to be here any second now, don't worry." Brian turned around with supernatural speed, giving Twiggy a death stare. "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN BY DON'T FUCKING WORRY? SHE IS DEAD RAMIREZ. SHE KILLED HERSELF AND I WASN'T HERE TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. This is all my fault." He whispered the last part, his voice breaking. He hugged her limp body to himself. She was wet and cold, but he didn't care.
He didn't notice the paramedics until they started talking explicitly to him. "Sir, we need you to let her go, so we can start helping her." At first, he didn't quite understand their words. But when they tried prying his arms away from her, he understood. He let her go reluctantly.
Behind him Twiggy, Pogo and Daisy were whispering to each other. "She overdosed on an illegal drug. This is going to be a huge mess." Pogo said. "Dude your bandmate might be dead, and this is what comes to your mind?" Twiggy asked. "We'll worry about that later. Right now, what's important is that she survives this." Daisy added, with tears in his eyes.
.
"We've managed to get her into a stable condition, but she's in a coma." The nurse told the band.
"Can we go see her now?" The nurse nodded and stepped aside.
They all went inside. She was lying on a hospital bed. She looked very pale, breathing steadily. They could hear her heart on the monitor. It was as if she was sleeping with her make up on.
Brian felt a sharp pain coursing through him. Molly was in a coma. Molly almost died. She had almost left him alone in this shitty world. How dare she?! He clenched his fists. He wanted to hit a wall. He wanted to feel physical pain, instead of the emotional one. The speed of pain coursing through him was almost numbing. He stood watching her for another minute and then he couldn't take it anymore. He fell to his knees and started crying.
Daisy was standing next to her. He took her hand in his and started muttering one apology after another. He too was crying.
Pogo had to sit down as soon as they came in. Another drummer had fallen victim to heroin. But this time it hurt a lot more than the first time.
Only Twiggy was aware of what was happening. Not that it didn't hurt, but he was still aware. That's why he was the only one to notice the blood that was spreading across the sheet covering her body. "Nurse!" he yelled and ran out of the room.
The others looked up when Twiggy and a nurse rushed back into the room. Brian rapidly stood up. "What the hell is happening to her? Is she dying?" The nurse shook her head and told them to leave the room. Soon a doctor came. They took Molly somewhere else.
.
After what felt like another eternity they came back. Twiggy was the only one capable of thinking straight, so he was the one to talk to the staff. "What happened doctor?" The doctor sighed and said: "Well it seems that miss Wuornos has had a miscarriage. The overdose caused such shock that it killed the embryo. I am sorry."
This was all starting to be too much for him. He made his way back to the rest. They looked at him and he told them what happened.
Brian was shocked. Another wave of pain hit him. He could have become a father. He could have had a family and now it was all lost even before it could have happened.
"Wait, she was pregnant? Who's-?" Pogo asked but before he could finish, the answer hit them all. They all looked at their front man. "Shit, I'm so sorry man..."
.
He was sitting against the cold wall, outside of the hospital. He was smoking one cigarette after another. He lost track of time. All he could do was cry and smoke. How could it all have gone so wrong? He used to be so careless, not a thing to worry about except his music. And then she came along. Making her way into his heart. Knowing that she could have- that she might die, felt like death in on its own. "I never want to lose you. I hope that we die holding hands. Years from now. I want to have a life with you. A family. I want to keep hearing you telling me to go to hell. I want to hear you telling me to go fuck myself again. I want to hold you again. The bed feels so cold without you. I feel cold. I can't just forget what it's like to want to keep living and enjoying the world around me. Don't make me forget damn it!" He whispered to himself, while torturous waves of sadness hit him one after the other.
.
Yet again, she was met with blackness and deafening silence. She kept wandering around in circles. She screamed for what felt like the thousandth time, the only answer was an echo of her own screams. After what felt like an eternity, she noticed a white figure approaching. She recognized it from afar. Her grandmother. "You stupid child! I told you, you would die if you continued doing drugs." She screeched. "Am I really dead?" A smile formed on her face. "The only thing that died was your child." Molly didn't know yet about her unwanted child. So, she assumed that her grandmother meant her childhood self. "The child inside me died a long time ago, grandmother. But back to the point. What am I if not dead?" "You're in limbo. Your body is still alive, but your soul is wandering between worlds." Molly rolled her eyes. She never believed in the afterlife mumbo jumbo. "Oh please, you know that's a load of bullshit. I'm dreaming, aren't I? Next time I'll have to double the dose." "You stupid, stupid girl. This is the last second chance you will be given. Do not take it lightly." "WHO THE FUCK SAID I WANTED A SECOND CHANCE. I'VE BEEN USING LONG ENOUGH TO KNOW WHAT TOO MUCH IS. I FUCKING WANTED TO DIE. THERE WASN'T A- there wasn't a reason for me to stick around. I should have died." She broke down. Her grandmother slapped her across the face. "There is always a reason to stick around. Don't be fucking stupid you idiot girl" "Why are you here grandmother? You never cared about me. Go away." She received a sad smile from the older woman, before she disappeared. Molly was once more left alone. But the space around her started brightening a bit. Along with the brightness came muffled voices. "If she ever wakes up, I'm going to kill her." "Calm down Daisy." "No. I completely agree with him." "Brian, it's okay." "NO IT FUCKING ISN'T OKAY. I HATE HER FOR LEAVING US. FOR LEAVING ME. HOW COULD SHE?"
.
"Well fuck you too, Manson." At the sound of their drummer mumbling those words they all looked up. "Ouch! You're crushing me!" "Shut the fuck up bitch, you almost died." Daisy was embracing her in a bone-crushing hug. "I'm so sorry Molly. I stand by what I said. But we shouldn't have fought about it." "I mean I know you have a girl's name, but you don't have to act like one dude. It's not like I died." "FUCK YOU MOLLY." Brian's voice boomed from the corner. The other guys looked at each other and silently exited the room.
"How fucking dare you joke about this." "Jesus, dude it's fine. I failed and I'm still here. Woo fucking hoo. Get over it." Anger boiled inside him. "Yeah, no thanks to you. Why would you try to overdose on purpose? Do you know what you put us all through? We all care about you and you left us. You put the band at risk. You put everything at fucking risk. You selfish girl." She scoffed. "Ah. Of course. The band. That's why your panties are in a twist." "NO. MY FUCKING PANTIES ARE IN A TWIST BECAUSE I LOVE YOU AND BECAUSE I ALMOST LOST YOU BOTH." Then he realized his mistake. "What do you mean by both?" "What?" "You said I almost lost you both." "Molly I have no idea what you're talking about." "Brian, I know what I heard. Who did you lose?" He sighed; the pain evident in his face. He stepped closer and took her hand in his. "Molly, I'm sorry. The overdose sent your body in a state of shock, which caused you to miscarry. You were pregnant. With our baby."
Silence. It really can be deafening. And each second that passes can last hours.