Yours Truly, Me.

It's Been A While

It's been a while since I've been happy, 

Since I've cared to touch a pen, 

Since I've felt anything other than trashy, 

Since I've not missed where I've been.

It's been a while since I've been proud, 

Since I've been feeling confident, 

And it's been a while since I've been in the clouds, 

Since I last felt competent.

It's been a while since I've loved myself, 

Since I've been happy being me, 

Since I've felt unlike death itself, 

Since I've spent time with family.

It's been a while since I've smiled, 

From a place not full of lies, 

And it's been a while since I've felt that smile, 

Spread up to my eyes.

I can show all of my teeth and lift my cheeks up 'till they cramp, 

I can fake a smile so damn bright, they might just treat me like a lamp, 

Expect that light to shine whenever, like an exhibition to observe, 

But if they think that smile's real, they're sure as hell behind the curve, 

And sure, that means they're learning, but that also means that they're the reason, 

Reason being's they're the reason that I can't help but make-believe it, 

Pretending that I'm happy just so that my life can stay its' course, 

When I'm crying every night 'till in the morning my whole voice is hoarse, 

I can't bring myself to say the words to fucking make it right, 

And that's the fucking reason I'm depressed, this shit is why I write, 

I can lie just like they tell me, or I can break this crazy spell, 

I can fake my way to heaven, or take my sorry ass to hell, 

So I do just what they tell me, I put on another fucking smile, 

Just don't ask the last time I was happy, 'cause it's been a fucking while.