Lifes Fate

25

I curl up on the sofa. The cushion wet where Id been crying so long. But I can't cry anymore. Justin sat at desk the whole time not saying anything. And it was what I needed. I needed someone there but I didn't want questions. I didn't want sympathy.
"Trisha, we should talk"
"I dont want to"
"I know... but we will have to eventually"
"About what... theres so much that needs to happen and I dont know where to begin" he comes over and sits on the sofa with me.
"Well how do you want this chapter to begin?"
No! I feel my eyes well up again "the last chapter was so shit! I want this to be better!"
"Oooh! A curse... it sounds like its going to be a violent chapter"
I look up at him and have to laugh "dont make me laugh!"
"See, threats. I better tell the army that they haven't been useless after all"
"They have been pretty pointless!" I smile and take his hand "why did you come after us"
He looks down at me "because you wouldn't have kissed me like you did if you meant what you said... I um... I was stupid to not go anyway. Even if you meant them. But, I love you, youve haunted me for years and... just when I start sleeping and not having nightmares about you... I let you walk out"
"I didn't mean what I said"
He smiles "I know... anyway it doesn't matter now... your safe" he strokes my hair back "as for my father..." his nostrils flare "if Harjo didn't kill him, I would have"
"You turned up... that's what matters"
He shakes his head "he slept with Cathrine... she uh... she told me everything he did... that he threatened you" I dont need to confirm it. He knows it "I uh... I didn't think he'd... I didn't think he'd do that. But I had to know'
"It doesn't matter Justin... you're going to be a better king" I stroke the hair off his face and he lies down, resting his head on my chest.
"Looks like we're both going to be having changes in our lives"
Understatement. Hes going to be a king.
"What happens now?"
He knows what I mean. He just looks up at me "I don't really know... but I've made a promise to Harjo" we both did "I think for now. We just take a day as it is... I need to go back to Quidat and your needed here"
I knew it would happen. But I don't want it too "yeah... We'll have to arrange something"
He leans up and looks me in the eyes "Im going to marry you. Thats all I care about arranging right now"
I smile "but you haven't asked me"
"Im not asking you. Your going to marry me"
"I guess I was never going to get a choice with you was I"
"You could have when I didnt know if you'd want to" he smiles and leans up "Im not organising anything until your ready though" he leans down and kisses me softly "You take all the time you need to grieve"
"I dont know how to"
He sighs "and that's why I dont want to leave... but-"
"No, I understand... I have a lot to keep me busy to"
He groans drops his head on my chest again "Trisha... no... you need to grieve. You need to look after yourself right now. He wouldnt want you doing to much"
I look down at him and sit up "please dont tell me what he wanted"
"Im just saying-"
"Well dont! You didnt know him like I did" I get up and look out the window of the library "im sorry, I just-"
"Dont worry" he rubs up and down my arms. Kissing my head "dont apologise. Do you want to talk about it"
I shrug "when I was most scared he was the one that made me feel safe. To make me take risks... but he never let me fail"

I think everyones trying to keep there distance from me. Justins told everyone to leave the castle until Im ready. And so far I've gone from the library to the hallway. I dont know where to go.
I trail my finger over the door handle that has a chip I put there because I didnt get my way. I open the door and step in, looking at the room. The windows smashed at somepoint. So the place smells like a garden. The sheets have been torn to shreds and everything seems to have been moved around. But its my bedroom. I trail my fingers over the cabnet and look at the old book sat there... opening it to the bookmark
'She never knew anyone could look at her like he was and my heart heated with just the look in his eyes'
The bookmarks in the right place.
I sit on the small stool I'd sit on as a little girl, looking into the mirror... last time I looked in this mirror I was crying and trying to work out why my face went so red when I cried.
Now. Im looking at the same red face.
I need to grieve. And i need to let people help me...
I take the book and go over to my bed. Holding it to my chest 'He'll be in soon... T-t...t- oooo... to... th...e... the e...e a...a...eas...east of the c...ca...cas...t...tle...cas...'
Why didn't you come! Why did you stop treating me like your little girl! I lie down on the stiff bed. Why couldnt you finish the chapter!
I wipe my eyes and lie there in the silence.

I hear the door but it'll only be one of the maids making sure I'm alright and the fires burning, I need to sleep.
I feel the bed tip but I'm to tired to tired.
A hand settles on my arm... daddy?
I'm meant to be sleeping! He'll get mad! I dont want him to be angry. Im to tired!
"My girl" he sniffs and lies beside me. Wrapping his arm around me. Is he that upset with me? Dont cry daddy! "Not you... i cant lose you... im sorry my darling"
Why are you so sorry daddy? He cant know im awake. I turn over and cuddle into his chest.

..."don't cry daddy.... Daddy!"
I open my eyes and look at the book... he came back in!
"Once Albert gave his proposition," I jump out my skin, getting up and get ready to defend myself. But I stop when i see Shar sat on my old desk "your father just couldn't face you. He was... he was ashamed of himself for not being able to do anything... and he was heart broken he was going to lose you... so he just separated himself. For you and him... he asked Toby to read you the rest of the book because he knew how much you loved it"
"My father sent Toby?"
She nods "yes... he didnt tell Toby... but he was going to go with you... you were never going to go alone"
"And my mother? Did she seperate herself?"
She looks to the ground and its my answer "Im not telling you this to upset you Patrisha. Despite of what you think of me. I'm not a bad person... your mother was a busy women. She loved you, she really did... but your father ruled the people. He had their love. Your mother was the rule keeper. She kept things enforced. That's what made them such a good Team... your mother tried so hard to make sure you were looked after... she looked into Justin. She knew, everything about him there was too! She would have made war herself if she thought you would be treated badly!" She smiles "you have, so, so much of your parents in you Patrisha! Your mother's strength and determination! And your fathers love... they would have been so-"