With every hug and kiss, you're snatching every bit of strength that i'm gone need to fight off the inevitable.
Breyona.
Last night, Chris and I actually slept in the same bed. That hasn't happened often in the past month. I miss the affectionate side of him. I miss us being hugged up, holding hands, kissing, enjoying each other's company, going on dates, just being in love. That part of our relationship has been dead for months. The arguing and ignoring each other, that part has been alive for a while. I wish we could have worked it out before it got to this point.
Honestly, it's partly my fault. I always gave him the benefit of the doubt and I didn't address some issues that should've been addressed. A man will only do what is allowed. If he gets away with it once, he's going to feel like he's allowed to do it again. You have to treat men like kids and tell them what you will and won't accept. They know right from wrong, they just don't comprehend it very well..
"Good morning." Chris said, rolling over to face me.
"Morning.."
"What you writing?" He asked, trying to get a look at the paper. I had been up for the past hour writing. Once I finished the last sentence, I handed him the notebook. He sat up and began reading it.
- I held you down for the longest and I was there through all of of your darkest moments. Feels just like yesterday when were homies, got you some bread and start treating me bogus. Talking bout you wanted something new, like I wasn't good enough for you. Guess you done caught you a case of amnesia, maybe you should take a look in your rear view. Cause obviously you forgot all the times that I held you when you cried, and don't you remember that even if you was in the wrong, I stood by your side? No I guess not, cause you let them thots take my spot. Congratulations to you, what you wanted is what you got now, so you don't gotta worry bout me. You made it clear that you're unhappy, go ahead and have your fun now, just remember what goes around comes around. I remember when you said that you could have somebody better, and I can't even lie to you, it really messed my head up. Had me looking in the mirror disgusted with myself, wishing that I looked like someone else, like the girls you liked on Instagram. You really had the nerve to call me insecure. Maybe it wasn't you, maybe it's true I didn't know my worth... Maybe, I should've loved me first.
I watched him the whole time. By the time he was done reading it, he had shed a few tears. He wiped his face and finally looked up at me. I didn't mean to start his morning off like that.
"I'm sorry." He shrugged. He looked and sounded defeated. The feeling was mutual. It almost felt like torture, this divorce. Going through the same emotions, feelings, thoughts and conversations everyday.
He shook his head and got out of the bed, walking into the bathroom. Seconds later, I heard the shower cut on. Of course, he was going to run away. Go out, get drunk and stay out all night. I didn't want Chris to think I hated him or that I fell completely out of love with him. Even though I had already showered for the day, I stripped out of my clothes and went in our bathroom, tapping on the shower door. Chris peaked his head out, water dripping from his face.
"Can I join?" I asked. He nodded, giving me permission. I stepped in, he turned to face me. I wrapped my arms around his wet torso. He seemed to just melt in my arms. Being in his arms like old times made me emotional. Thankfully we were in the shower so he couldn't feel my tears hit his skin.
"I love you." My voice cracked. He sighed.
"I love you too.. I love you so much." Finally. He's feeling at least half the pain i've been feeling. I want him to know what it's like to walk in my shoes, but at the same time, I hate seeing him suffer. Maybe I just need some time alone, away from...life.
