Slowly moving through my system, breaking all of my defenses with time.
Breyona.
"I'm scared ma."
"What are you scared for? This is what you wanted right?"
"Yes but.."
"But?" I sighed. This is more difficult than I thought it would be.
"I feel like I did it the wrong way. I led him on last night, only to leave divorce papers on his dresser. That's cold hearted, I didn't mean for it to happen that way though."
"How is that cold hearted Breyona? That's your husband, you have the right to have sex with him. He knew just as well as you that this divorce was going to happen. You didn't lead him on, you two just got intimate for the last time."
"Mama I don't want to cry again." I said, feeling like I was about to.
"Baby, you need to let it out. This whole process, you've been trying to keep it together when you don't have to. Nobody is telling you you can't be emotional, there's nothing wrong with crying."
"I know but why do I have to cry so much!?"
"Because it's painful. How else are you going to get through it if you don't let it out? Keeping it bottled in is definitely not going to help you heal. That's poisonous."
"You're right..why are you always right!" She laughed.
"How many times do I have to tell you? Mama knows best."
"Man...I wanna tell someone that. I'm going to find a sperm donor."
"Yeah, good luck with that."
"Anyways mommy, i'm about to go in the studio."
"Okay. Sing your pretty little heart out." I smiled.
"I love you."
"I love you more munchkin. Call me later."
"Will do." We got off the phone and I went to my notes, finding the two songs I wrote recently.
"Good morning." Carlos greeted me with a hug.
"Morning. What you got for me?" I asked, sitting next to him.
"I been up almost all night playing with beats. I think you might like this one." He played one and I told him to stop it, within seconds of hearing it.
"You don't like it?"
"I love it." I stood up, going into the booth. I grabbed the headphones, leaving one off of my ear. I walked up to the mic and read over the lyrics, going through the same process I always did when I came in here.
"Whenever you're ready." I took a deep breath, ready to pour my heart out to the beat.
"I held you down for the longest and I was there through all of your darkest moments." He stopped me, making me open my eyes.
"Play it back." He played the short clip back, I nodded in approval. As I continued with the song, I just kept thinking about the look on Chris' face when he discovers the divorce papers.
"You don't gotta worry about me. You made it clear that you're unhappy, yeah." His name and picture took over my screen. I immediately declined it and shut my eyes. The tears still found their way out eventually.
