"I'm not sure of what to do, it's a catch 22, cause the cure is found in you. I don't want it, but I do."
Breyona
Three Weeks Later.
"Day three of my healing journey. It's beautiful out here, I wish I would've came out here sooner.. I've been writing a lot, releasing a lot of emotions, meditating. I think i'm cleansing myself of all the bad, so I just let myself cry so I can be free of those negative feelings. I do miss my husband, a lot. My divorce will be finalized in a couple days, it's really bittersweet. I'm proud of myself for going through with it, even though it was hard. I'm finally putting myself first and stripping myself of the toxicity that was my marriage. I still hold a lot of love for him in my heart, and that's why this is hard. I know in the end, i'll be content with my decision and i'll be totally restored. I just have to trust the process."
I ended the recording by blowing myself a kiss. I was probably going to put all of these entries together in a short film, so my future self can look back and see my growth. I was so proud of myself for taking this me time, it was extremely refreshing. I couldn't help but wonder what Chris was doing to cope, or if he even needed coping time.
"Breyona, you're here to forget about Chris and worry about yourself." I closed my eyes and folded my legs under me. Rubbing my temples, I inhaled and exhaled.
"Let him go. It's okay to still love him, but let this fantasy of you two working anything out go. You wanted this divorce, and you're confident in that decision. You just miss him right now because you've isolated yourself from him and everyone else."
It was so hard and confusing, I couldn't find the right words to even begin to explain the affect this has on me. It's like I hate my husband, but I love him at the same time. I couldn't think about the good things he's done for me without thinking about all the bad things he's done to me, and vice versa.. that's where a lot of the confusion came in.
Chris.
"Can't believe you got me stressed out, stressed out right now. You got me looking at pictures, thinking bout nights I was with you. Wrong time, wrong place cause I needed you like 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 am. Why do you keep playing with emotions?"
"That was a better take, listen." He played it back and I shrugged.
"Don't hear a difference." He sighed.
"You gone keep this nonchalant attitude the whole session bro?" I sighed as well and rubbed my hands down my face.
"Maybe. Where my bag at?" I asked, swiveling around in the chair. Fuck the studio session. I needed a session alright, but not to record no damn songs.
"You going on your third blunt. Do you want to smoke or work on your album? Cause I get paid either way, but let me know if i'm wasting my time here. I don't want to overstep, but I don't think you're ready to work right now. I know you're in the middle of a divorce, maybe you should take a break."
"My divorce almost finalized. I'm not finna stop working just because of that shit. You think she stopped working? Nah, that shit probably making her go even harder. I don't need no pity, i'm good." He looked at me for a second like he wasn't buying anything I was saying but decided to brush it off.
"Mind if I use the bathroom?" I shrugged, basically dismissing him. I leaned back in my chair, slightly twisting and turning it as I smoked my blunt and scrolled on my phone.
"Yo?" I called out to the person that was knocking on the other end of the door.
"Can I come in?" My mom's voice spoke.
