Goodbye (Naruto Fanfic)

Iruka's Lecture

Iruka's POV

As I crept into Naruto's hospital room, the door creaked. I couldn't resist glaring angrily at the cursed hinges. What if I woke Naruto!

At that moment, I heard stifled cries. My head snapped upwards to see tears streaking down Naruto's face. 

It hurt. It hurt like hell. The once bright eyes filled with determination were so empty. The light in the dark. The one person who could surely change the world had to have such a horrible fate.

"Naruto-" I said, speaking in a coaxing whisper.

Suddenly, his blank gaze sharpened.

"Why?" he questioned mournfully. "Why did you have to stop me?"

I sat in the chair across him and took a quick look around. As ordered, an Anbu was standing guard over the door to the rest of the hospital, and one was crouched against the wall next to the window. Naruto wasn't going to give us the slip a second time, however unlikely it seemed. It hadn't seemed possible the last time.

With a glare concealed from Naruto, I jerked my head at the anbu. Getting the message, they shook their head unnoticeably. I just hardened my glare, and they slowly inched away, leaving the area.

I got up stiffly, and sat on the side of the bed, taking both of Naruto's hands in mine. They were ice cold and bloodless-looking. 

"I stopped you because I had to," I quietly replied. "Because—Naruto, suicide is no answer. I've already lost my loved ones—and I couldn't lose you, too—"

"But I deserve to die—" Naruto's voice was weak, and broke on the last word. "I want to"

And he wouldn't look into my eyes.

Oh, Kami—what was going through his head? What was he convinced of? 

"For what?" I asked, my voice sounding rough even to me. "Because you made some mistakes? Kami! If that was worthy of a death sentence, I should have been sharing that knife!"

I shouldn't have left him alone. I should have watched him. The number of mistakes I made couldn't even be counted.

Naruto's hands were chilling, so I tried to warm them, rubbing them as gently as I could.

"Listen to me, Naruto—this whole mess was one mistake piled on top of another. I made mistakes. I should have watched you more carefully, I should have insisted that you talk to me, and stay by my side. Dammit, you made mistakes, yes, but you always had the village in mind! And, Kami, even the Hokage made mistakes!"

My voice was hoarse with tears, and with my own guilt, and I was not ashamed to let him hear it. 

"Naru, Naru, we're only simple, mortal shinobi— we aren't angels—we fall on our faces and make errors and sometimes people die because of them—sometimes people we love dearly—"

I choked on a sob and bowed my head.

Naruto tugged his hand free and touched my cheek hesitantly. His fingers were still cold. I caught and held them, and looked back up into his eyes. His eyes were swirling with grief. 

"You thought the world would be better with you out of it, is that it?" I questioned harshly.

He nodded, dumbly, and his hands shook in mine.

"Did you stop to think how I would feel? You're like my own son. Didn't you think I'd come to care  about you, at least a bit?"

How will I be able to reach him, I've never been good with words? 

What about Kakashi? I left him to watch you. How do you think he feels right now about his carelessness? What do you think he'd have felt if you'd died?

Naruto's gaze hardened art hearing his Sensei's name.

"They care about you!" I faltered, my voice trembling.

He shrank into himself, pulling even farther away from me, and I cursed my words. My inability to tell him what I really meant without hurting him further. 

"Naru... damnit...I'm not saying any of this the way I want to. Listen to me, you're hurt, you need to rest and get well. Just...don't take yourself out of this world right now, there are people who'll be in pain if you go. And I'm one of them."

He nodded. He didn't look convinced, but now I didn't know what else to say to him.

So I tried one last tactic. Let me just keep him alive— if I can do that, maybe we can help him.

"Will you promise me, on Kami, that you won't try to kill yourself again? If you will, I'll trust you, and I'll force the guards to leave you unguarded."

He swallowed, pulled his hands out of mine, and whispered, "I- I promise. Word of honor." He still wouldn't look me in the face, but I trusted his word.

I nodded. " Now is there anything, anything at all, that I can do for you?" Maybe..."Need to talk?"

He shook his head, and I sensed him shutting down, and cursed again. Dammit.

"Sure?" I coaxed, even in the face of defeat; that was my nature. 

He shook his head again, avoiding my eyes altogether, and I sighed, giving up. "If you change your mind... call, if you need anything"

He nodded slightly, and closed his eyes again, leaning back and turning his face to the wall. That face was as white as the pillows beneath it, and it made me hurt all over to see that lost look of his. 

I waited for another response or a request, but he went right back into an uneasy, shallow slumber. Finally, I gathered myself and left him alone.