Ask Magnus Chase

NO FALAFEL TIME

Day one:
me *checks myself into rehab*
Dude with perfect tan and perfect teeth: Hi. My name is Eric.
Me: Of fucking course.
Eric: so. What do you think sparked your addiction?
Me: I don't know. I was homeless, it was free, I survived on falafel. Nyah, I have no idea.
Eric: Hmm. There are a few rules here, Mergnus -
Me: FUCK
Eric: No swearing
Me: HECK
Eric: and the charms that make sure that you revive have been taken off. If you attempt to die, it will be permanent. Odin does not want soldiers that have a dependency on substances in his war against Loki, it weakens you considerably and means that you are susceptible to trickery.
Me: GoSH HeCkInG DaRN it
Eric: No visitors until we think that you're on the mend. No raised voices.
Me: heckity heck.
Eric: No sarcasm
Me: I'm going to die here.
Eric: No romance or negativity.
Me: I just adore my readers.
Eric: that was sarcasm.
Me: I know. Sorry. I will try to improve.
Eric: that was more sarcasm.
Eric: Take off your shirt and pants.
Me: Wow! That's a little forward! I'm sorry, but I'm already in a relationship.
Eric: I am aware. This is to make sure that you're not smuggling any illegal contraband in.
Me: No?
Eric *pulls off my shirt and pants with surprisingly strong arms*
Approximately 5000 falafel: *fall out of my shirt and pants*
Eric: I knew that you were not an XXXXXXXXL size.
Eric: Come on, Magnus Chase. We will go to the spa now.
Me *slumps to the ground*
Eric *pulls my naked, falafel-less form along the ground*

Day two
Me *douses water over my head*: He/him, Maggie beantown.
Me *bursts into tears*
Me *is in a huge bedroom just for me, with nothing in it except for a bed and a trickling stream that constantly makes me want to pee. I'm all alone. My wifi and phone privileges have been revoked after I tried to call for help and my sheets and blankets have been replaced with a thermostat after I tried to climb out of the window.*
Eric *opens the door*
Eric: Come on, Maggie
Me: fu-sh-nooooo
Eric: No negativity
Me: this is just (almost swears) brilliant
Eric: No sarcasm. Come on Magnus, let's go!
Me: what is life
Eric: Come on
Me *buries my face in the bed and bursts into tears* WHAT'S THE POINT? WE'RE JUST TRAPPED IN A CONSTANT CIRCLE OF DEATH AND PAIN AND EMBARRASSMENT. I DON'T WANT TO DO ANYTHING, NOTHING IS WORTH THINKING ABOUT WHYYYYY
Eric: You are going through withdrawal. Come on
Me *sobs* F-F-F-FALAAAAFEEEELLLL

Day three
Me *sticks my head in the stream*
Me: He/him, f-fuc *bursts into tears*
Eric: No drowning yourself
Me: I'm not coming out
Eric: I support your decision to stay in the closet, but just know that Hotel Valhalla is a supportive environment for everyone, no matter who they choose to love and anyone who days otherwise will be reassigned to cognitive recalibration.
Me: not that -
Eric: remember the rules about negativity
Me: yes, Eric
Eric: we wouldn't even be in this situation if you hadn't used negativity and almost *glances around and whispers* said the naughty word
Me: yes, Eric
Eric: Good Magnus. Now, come on Magnus. We have breakfast!
Me: yes, Eric
Eric *leads me out of the room*
Breakfast *is toast and orange juice*
Eric: Our patients grew the wheat and oranges themselves, free range, and baked them. The peanut butter you see here is fair trade and no gorillas were harmed in its farming as it contains no palm oil, and the jam is picked off the berries around the spa.
Eric: Have you seen the spa yet, Magnus?
Me: no, Eric
Eric: would you like to come with me later, Magnus?
Me: yes, Eric
Me *sees something further down the table*
Me: f-f-F-F-FALAFEL
Eric: CODE RED PEOPLE HIDE THE FALAFEL
Random dude *eats falafel*
Me *lunges at the random dude*
Random dude: AAH
Me *tries to strangle random dude*
Me: FALAFEL!!
Eric *picks me up around the middle and takes me back to my room, and give me a hairbrush*
Me *hisses*
Eric: it appears that you have a serious problem, I would like you to pack your things and take you to a councellor to ensure that you don't have a relapse. Remember, Magnus, almost three days clean!
Me *whimpers*
Eric: Come on, Magnus.
Me *follows Eric*
Eric *leads me to a shiny white room with a perfectly still woman in the middle of it.*
Eric: This is Sara. Magnus, say hello to Sara
Me: Hello, Sara
Sara: Hello, Magnus.
Eric: Hello, Sara
Sara: Hello, Eric
Eric: Goodbye, Sara
Sara: Goodbye, Eric
Eric: Goodbye, Magnus
Me: Goodbye, Eric
Sara: Hello, Magnus. How are you?
Me: I'm good. How are you?
Sara: I am good. How are you going with your falafel problem? Be honest, Magnus.
Me: I am struggling.
Sara: That is good. It means you are recovering.
Me: I am glad.
Sara: I think you need to eat something proper.
Me: I am hungry.
Sara: that was borderline negativity, Magnus.
Me: I am sorry, Sara. Ill try and improve.
Sara: That's good, Magnus. You need a shower, and food.
Me *reflects on how nice Sara is*
Sara *smiles and gives me white clothes after I've taken a shower and eaten*
Sara: this is not a strictly Valhalla approved rehabilitation facility.
Me: why not?
Sara: our practices are questionable.
Me: what practices. When will they happen to me? I want to be free of my burden.
Sara: You're already undergoing them.
Me: okay
Sara: Do you want to come with me? We can give you a new room with lots of other people like you, people who are on the mend from their little problems - you can all help each other learn and grow and become free from your burden.
Me: Okay
Sara: Come with me, Magnus
Me: Okay, Sara

Day Four
Me *wakes up*
Roommate: Hi! I'm Erick!
Me: Hello, Erick. I am Magnus.
Erick: How are you, Magnus?
Me: I am good. How are you, Erick?
Erick: I am good. Shall we go to breakfast?
Me: Yes, please, Erick.
Erick: Come on, Magnus.
Sara: Hello, Erick
Erick: Hello, Sara
Sara: Hello, Magnus
Me: Hello, Sara
Sara: You've been here almost a week and we've already seen so many improvements! I am very proud of you, Magnus.
Me *remembers the dare*
Me *remembers falafel*
Me *IN MY HEAD*: These fuckers have been brainwashing me
Me *IN MY HEAD*: HOT DAMN falafel is fine
Me *IN MY HEAD*: I'm never gonna get out of here
Me *IN MY HEAD*: HOLY SHIT swearing feels good. And negativity. I HATE THESE PEOPLE
Me *IN MY HEAD*: Oh, yeah, I have a personality.
Me *OUT LOUD*: FUCK THIS!! I HATE YOU ALL!!
Me *jumps out a window*
Alex *catches me*
Alex *is wearing very detailed Joker cosplay*
Alex: Good to see you, Harley.
Me: TAKE ME BACK, SARA!!