I Wish Things Were Different

Part 1

Hi! I've just finished a full edit of this story and since it's formatted different so some of your comments aren't going to make any sense. Sorry about that:)

Mare POV

I have to walk away.

I'm broken and right now I'm not sure if anyone can put me back together.

I've already walked away from Cal. I lost my happy ending. Cal was my one shot and I blew it. Now, what is keeping me here? I've already served my purpose, I have lived a thousand lives. Still, I'm not sure if any of it was worth it.

I can feel the blood on my hands bleeding out. It's pouring out like a waterfall. It's unstoppable, slowly drowning me in my unspeakable deeds.

I want that blood to fade. I want to be Mare Barrow again. The girl who didn't care about silver kings or pointless wars. She didn't really care about anything except conscription, the fish boy, and her favorite brother. I will never completely be that girl again. But I can be the best version of myself.

Not Mareena Titanos. Not the Lightning Girl. The real Mare Barrow. She's somewhat of a pain according to the fish boy. She's fairly kind although several people have accused her of stealing things. Not sure what that's about. Most of all she doesn't care what people think. She's her own person whether people like it or not.

That girl is inside of me. I just have to look underneath the layers of pageantry, betrayal, and hurt. I'm under there somewhere.

I don't want to end up like Maven. He is a shell with nothing but ghosts and I can't be like that. I have so much to live for. But not in Norta. Here everything is tainted, poisoned by the touch of fire. That's not a world I want to live in. I want to live in a world where I can sleep at night. I don't want to scream and cry every time I close my eyes, plagued by nightmares.

I want to be happy.

I shouldn't say anything before I leave. But I have to. I put Cal, Kilorn, and the Guard through so much while I was a prisoner to Maven. I will not allow them to think for one second that Maven has captured me. I must make sure that they know I have left of my own volition. No one else's.

I can't bring myself to tell Cal in person. He would just convince me that going is a bad idea. Even if it is it's not his decision to make. It's mine and mine only. I'm sure if I told him we would just fight. Again. I really don't want our last memory together to be us fighting. I want to remember two stupid people who were in love. Not two people ripped apart by their own broken promises and betrayals.

But I guess that's what it's come to.

I should tell Farley. I really should. But saying goodbye makes it harder. It makes you realize that it's real. You replay those goodbyes over and over. Until they seem real again. But I have to talk to someone before I leave. Someone that will tell them where I've gone but won't pressure me to stay. There's an obvious choice.

"You called Barrow?" "Hello, Evangeline."

"So what exactly do you want?" "A favor. If you do this for me we're even." A look of shock passes over Evangeline's face. It looks strange on her. "Okay. What do you want me to do?" "I'm leaving. For good. Tell the court that-" Evangeline interrupts, "That Maven isn't doing it this time?" "Yes."

"So Barrow does this new deal of ours apply to my brother too?" Ah, Evangeline must be trying to pick a fight. "What do you think?" She smirks at me. "I'll take that as a no." I laugh. "You think?"

"What would you like me to tell the firecracker?" "I-" She cuts me off again. "How much you love him? How much you miss him?" I roll my eyes. "I don't want you to tell him something. I do want you to give something to him." "Well, I'm already your errand girl so what is it?" I hand her the bloodred earring Cal gave to me.