Reflections [Complete]

Chapter 15

I am not really sure how long I stared at the short document trying to wrap my head around everything I had just read. It seemed so incredible and yet it explained almost everything I had been struggling to understand since the beginning. But this is not what I had expected. This is not what I wanted. And I was having a very hard time wrapping my head around all the implications this discovery meant. Thinking clearly through the fog of the instinctual reaction I was experiencing was not only difficult but almost impossible.

So when I heard a knock on my office door with Kong's soft voice on the other end asking if I was ready, I panicked.

I was not ready to face him yet. I didn't know what I would say or behave. I just needed to think. Think about what I had learnt, and what it meant. And I couldn't do that sitting across from Kong pretending to enjoy our supposed date.

Instead of opening the door and facing him I behaved like a coward and sent him a short text message stating that I was going to busy and that we should reschedule our dinner. I didn't even read his response. I simply switched off my phone and went back to reading the two pieces of paper that had my heart wildly thumping against my ribs.

Maybe if I read it enough number of times I would eventually figure out that it was just some terrible prank. That none of this was actually true. And it took me entirely too long to finally get over my denial to start addressing the bigger issue at hand. Kong.

I knew next to nothing about what had happened, except the short, very unhelpful police report but simply keeping the tiny amount of information in mind I went through so many of his big and small actions that had at the time seemed so inexplicable but now looking back were blaring signs that should have been so obvious to pick up.

They weren't just quirks or eccentricities from a socially awkward man. They were deep seated issues from someone who hasn't effectively processed his trauma from several years ago. And I am not sure how to deal with that. I am not sure I can deal with that. For months now I have been shoving and pushing him around simply based on my whims. I had made up my mind what I wanted him to be and I kept creating scenarios for him to react to them without once thinking if that was a good thing for him or not. I kept going through my own triumphs and failures about manipulating his life without ever consciously thinking about the consequences.

It wasn't until the moon was high up the night sky that I finally drudged my way home. My head still clouded with too many thoughts. And not one of them was remotely regarding the date I had ditched. Or that maybe I should have found a way to reschedule it.

But I kept my phone stubbornly off nearly all weekend, while I went through one scenario after another where I had plunged Kong into an unnecessary situation and he had an odd reaction to it. And there were simply so many of those. I don't even know what would be a potentially uncomfortable situation for him. And where would that leave me. Leave us. Was I supposed to go bang down his door and demand he tell me what the hell all of this was about. And even in the bleakest scenario he did, then what. I wasn't remotely capable or prepared to deal with such issues. I couldn't simply ignore what I read and go back to the way things were. I couldn't pretend to understand what was going on and claim I could date him without having this giant sword hanging over our head. I didn't care about his atrocious dressing or his fake glasses or his annoying beard or his massive social anxiety. None of that had bothered me except being an hindrance to him being successful. What does bother me is their underlying cause.

I thought I could fix him earlier. Now I don't think I can. And I don't think I should be the one even trying.

But where does that leave us? I don't know yet. And it was freaking me out that I needed to find an answer to it right fucking now.