Reflections [Complete]

Arthit's Musings 5

I doubt it was even possible for me to curse myself any more than I already had for the past hour or so that we laid silently next to each other in the suffocating darkness of the room, after what could be objectively called the worst conversation ever. After overthinking myself to insanity for what seems like an eternity I had gone ahead and spouted out about us having sex just like that. No qualifiers, no explanation, nothing. I hadn't even taken the time to prepare him for what and why I felt that way. And one look at his shocked, partially panicked face and I pretty much lost all my confidence. Randomly blurting platitudes to make sure he knew I wasn't planning on forcing us to have sex tonight. Or any night for that matter. Not until he was the one who truly wanted to. But after my asinine blunder tonight, I doubt that time would come anytime soon.

"I'm sorry."

I immediately snapped to attention when I heard the quiet whisper from behind me, and as I turned over to face him I saw the warm moonlight shining over his rigid, his grim face twisted in obvious pain, his wide eyes glistening with unshed tears. He teeth biting deep into his lower lip as he tried hard to control its slight tremble. And the fist around my heart clenched down. All my insanely convoluted reasons of coming here got thrown out of the window again as I just realized that I had done little but created one more thing for him to be insecure about.

"Baby, I didn't mean to..."

But before I could launch into another inane apology, he shook his head to stop me. Taking a deep breath before continuing in a soft, shaky voice.

"I used to think that I was scared of...scared of having sex cause it would hurt. That it would be just as painful. But I don't think that is what I am really afraid of."

"Then what are you afraid of?"

He stayed silent for several minutes as we continued facing each other in the darkness. A tiny drop of blood pooling on the corner of the lip as he continued tormenting it. The words, the emotions he had kept compressed within him for so long desperately trying to pour out. And yet all these years of loneliness, all of those nights of dealing with his fears by himself made it almost impossible for him to voice them. His internal struggle to lay bare his scars drawn clearly through his tortured expressions.

So I waited patiently. He needed to talk. And I needed to hear. And if it took him an eternity to finally find the courage within himself to tell me, then that is how long we would stay here.

Eventually, he sucked in an unsteady breath. Desperately trying to conceal his vulnerabilities, even as a lone tear traced it's path down his cheek.

"I...I am afraid that I will wake up alone again."

I think he may have just stabbed my heart with a million tiny knives. I don't even think I would be capable of formulating a response if my life depended on it. What could I even say to that?

"That day when I woke up I was so...so ...ashamed. I didn't want to see anyone, I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't even want to face myself. I was so scared because I was all alone and...and I didn't know how to tell anyone. And then I realized that it didn't matter. What happened...to me...didn't matter. Everything just kept going on the way it was meant to. Except me. I was stuck. I am still stuck.

"Part of me keeps expecting that one day you will stop calling. That you will finally realize why none of this is worth the trouble. That you deserve someone better. Much better. Someone that you don't have to walk on eggshells with. Someone who can shower you with all the love that you deserve. Someone you can have sex with without having to beg for it....

"And the other part of me keeps hoping that you realize it soon. That once you finally leave I can begin dealing with it again."

He fell silent again. Softly breathing through the lump in his throat. He had long since diverted his gaze from me. His quiet tears moistening his face. The bloodied slit on his lip getting more pronounced by the second.

So convinced was he that he was going to end up alone again, that I was going to one day abandon him the way he had been that he assumed we were nothing more than on borrowed time. That the countdown to our relation would end the day I decided I wanted to be gone.

And how exactly was I supposed to convince him that I did not have any intentions of leaving his side. In how many more ways could I show how genuine were my feelings for him. Was there even a way for him to ever trust me? Or were we simply doomed from the beginning? But how could I even think of giving up now when my love, my life was lying in front of me.

"Is there any part of you that believes me when I say I love you. That I will always love you. And that...that I am as scared as waking up without you in my life."

He slowly raised his eyes to meet mine and held them. My heart bursting against my chest as I tried to show him all my emotions. The fact that my life, my destiny, my happiness were now and would forever remain intertwined with his. That there was no possible scenario, no realization that would come to pass where his absence from my life would be the cause of my happiness. And in that moment when my tumultuous emotions were wreaking an havoc within me, his quiet whisper finally calmed the storm.

"Yes. The part that is too greedy to let you go."

It took me a few seconds for his words to completely sink in and when they did I became a man possessed. I crashed my lips against him. Desperate to show him everything I felt, and for once hungry to capture his reaction in return. I could taste the rustiness of the few drops of blood on his lips, and if I was hurting him, he didn't seem to be complaining as he buried both his hands in my hair and pressed my face firmly against his.

When we finally parted to catch our breaths his hands immediately went to my waist, pushing his palms under my t-shirt, his hands slightly shivering as they brushed against my ribs. But this time I wasn't going to question his every tiny reaction. This time I wasn't going to second guess his desire. Tonight we were going to explore our deepest secrets, fight our personal demons together.

And tomorrow when he wakes up he will not be alone. He will be next to me. And I will be next to him. Exactly where we belong.