Reflections [Complete]

Arthit's Musings 1.

I woke up with a start, some random dream that had seemed a little too real. And as a habit I immediately turned towards the other half of the bed to make sure Kong was still by my side. Except this time he wasn't. And he hadn't been for a while since the bed had gotten cold without his warm body.

I sat up on the bed trying to adjust my eyes to the dark, looking around for him in the room but finding it disappointingly empty. I immediately tried to search for his shoes by the door, and the only pair he owned sat untouched on the shelf exactly where he had left them when we entered the apartment today. His hands slightly shaking even during that small act.

I knew today was going to be tough. For all of us, but particularly Kong. Today after 7 years he had faced Chak again. It was only the first day of the court case and we knew many, many such days would follow. We had thrown the book at Chak, slapping any and all civil and criminal cases we possibly could. One way or another I was going to destroy him. Destroy every possibility of him ever smiling again. Him ever even thinking that happiness was a possibility.

Unfortunately, for me to achieve that, I would once again have to hurt the people closest to me. My sister, my goofball nephew, who had little idea what was going on, and finally, Kong. All of us knew how difficult today was going to be for him, all of us had tried endlessly to talk to him, to prepare him for what was to come, but just like the man I had met the first time he had completely shut down. He would barely talk, barely respond. His only spoken words were solely regarding the cases. I should have known this wasn't going to end well, I was half expecting him to panic in the court itself but when he hadn't shown any physical reaction by the time we got back to his apartment I had begun relaxing a little. And almost falsely believed things weren't so bad by the time we fell asleep. And now in the middle of the night Kong was missing.

I was almost out the door ready to go look for him when I stepped back in and decided to check the bathroom even though it was covered in darkness. I threw the light on to find him crouched next to the sink, his entire body shaking with intense spasms, desperately gasping for breaths, his forehead dripping rivulets of sweat to the point that nearly the entire front of his shirt was drenched.

I doubt at this point he was even aware of where he was, or who was crouching in front of him, desperately trying to get his attention. No matter how loud my voice got, or how much I shook him I couldn't get through the haze of his panic. And with each passing second the fear kept gripping my throat tighter. The possibility that he might as some point slip into the realm where I wouldn't ever be able to reach him. That I wouldn't ever be able to snap him out of this state. That no matter how much I wanted to help, all of it would be pointless.

Frantically, I kept calling out to him,, wondering if I should probably call a doctor, or maybe my dad, somebody who could help me figure out to break through the barrier. Minute after minute his breaths getting shallower without once having heard my calls.

So I did the only thing I knew that might help. The one thing I know for a fact he responded to at all points. I couldn't force nature's hand to make it rain right now, but I was going to atleast try the poor substitute. I threw open the shower, turned it to full speed and gathered him into my arms and got into the bathtub with him.

We stood under the running shower for several minutes, our clothes completely soaked, while I firmly kept my arms around him, whispering in his ear almost non-stop. And it seemed like an eternity had passed before his breathing slowed, his shivers having lulled enough that the cause was the cold water rather than his attack. And finally I knew I was getting through to him when he slowly raised his arms and put them around my waist. Burying his face in my chest to protect it from the cold, piercing stream of the water. Although, he made no move to get out of the shower yet. We simply stood there until his heart rate had stabilized, while mine still raced a marathon. When he finally raised his head and locked his eyes with mine, he wordlessly gave me the silent signal that he was ready to get out. That atleast for a short moment, the attack had passed.

We silently made our way out of the shower, my shaking fingers insisting on stripping his wet clothes, helping him into a pair of dry pajamas, making sure he drank the entire warm glass of milk before I got into the bed with him. Pulling his back very firmly against my chest. My arms caging him as close to me as was physically possible. I doubt either of us were going to get any more sleep tonight, but the only thing that mattered right now was that he was still next to me. That he was still safe. And that I wasn't going to let anything happen to him again.

We stayed in that manner for a very, very long time. Sleep completely eluding the two of us. It was almost dawn, a soft light beginning to peek through the window, when Kong finally broke his silence.

"Arthit..."

"Yes, love?"

"I am not sure this is a good idea."

"You know you just need to say the word and we will drop all the cases. You don't need to go court once if you don't want to."

"No, not the cases. I mean....I mean us. I don't think we are a good idea."

I sucked in a deep breath at his words. I have been expecting this conversation for a long time now.

"Why are we not a good idea?"

"You know why Arthit."

"I wouldn't need to ask if I already knew."

"Cause you are you. You are rich and famous and probably the most coveted man in a thousand mile radius. And I am a mess. More than a mess. Both of us know things are just going to get worse. You should already know the answer Arthit. Every magazine, every newspaper, every talk show keeps telling us why we are doomed to fail. That you are either a saint or a fool for even giving me 5 minutes of your attention."

"Does it bother you what they are saying?"

"No."

"Then why are you bringing it up?"

"Cause I agree with them."

"I love you Kong."

"Why?"

"I love you."

"You want to finish that sentence?"

"I already did."

"No you didn't. None of this makes sense Arthit. You need to be with someone who has the capacity to be happy, to make you happy. I don't know if I can do that Arthit, and I don't think I can continue with the guilt of ruining your life along with mine."

"I love you Kong. That's it. There isn't a but or a because or any of that which follows. There isn't a condition or a reason. I love you. And for me it's as simple as it gets. I don't know why or how I fell in love and don't care to know either. Questioning that for me is as irrelevant as asking for a reason why I was born as my parent's son or you to yours. I have met thousands of people in my life and many of them were richer than me or better looking or more talented, or whatever. But none of that mattered. None of them mattered. It was you I had to fall in love with and I did. Why does it matter if loving you is going to be easy or not. If our relation is going to have hard time or not. It is what it is. I love you. That is just a fact that none of us will be ever able to change. All that is left is for you to decide if you want to accept or reject it."

He fell silent again. Just as I knew he would. I have confessed my feelings for him in one way or another several times. I don't think he doubts my sincerity anymore, but not once has he said those words back to me. I won't lie and say it didn't pinch atleast a little but I won't ever push him to say something he didn't want to.

I am also not a fool. I do recognize his silence to my confession can easily mean more than one thing. It could very well be that he wasn't simply ready to say it back to me. Or the very real possibility that what I felt for him was not reciprocated. Although he let me hug him and hold him and kiss him, even comfort him when he needed a human being by his side more than anything else, he had never even hinted at having the same feelings. And this would mean that I needed to be ready for the day when my world would change forever. That my deepest wish would come true. He would finally be ready to step out of the shadows, face the world with a new found confidence, finally transform into the man I know he was capable of becoming. And that day he would decide to take that step without me beside him. And hopefully when that day comes I would be strong enough to let him go.