yeet ~ tobyonthetele and kryozgaming oneshots

again and again // kryoz

john

i sat at my desk, lifting my vape to my mouth and inhaling until i coughed. my screen was black and i was stuck in some kind of loop of my own thoughts. i stared at myself mindlessly as i pondered.

    i'd been through heartbreak before, but it had never felt like this. it made me feel like i was flawed, like something was wrong with me. there was a small chance that she wasn't cheating of course but i refused to get my hopes up after everything i'd seen and heard.

    she was further from me than she'd ever been, toby and cam spotted her at a bar about a month ago, straddling some random guy on a barstool, and she'd sent some pretty suspicious texts to a few of my friends over the three years that we were together.

    i'd be a fool to ignore the signs for any longer. the disconnect between us was apparent, she was fading away and there wasn't much i could do about it. i wanted nothing more than for her to be in my life but she was only making it harder and more miserable for me by the day.

    "john!" she called from downstairs, breaking me out of my thoughts, "come here!" i set my vape on my desk and spun my chair around before standing up. i reluctantly opened my recording room door and walked down the stairs, knowing that seeing her would only break my heart even more.

    as i neared the bottom of the stairs, i could see her laying on the couch, the sight of her making me feel sick. "joh-" she began to call for me again before realizing i was right in front of her. "do you feel like getting food?" she asked lamely, keeping her eyes on the movie she was watching.

    i shrugged but said nothing, scared that if i spoke, i would shatter. "you don't know?" she asked, clearly annoyed. "i mean- if you're hungry, i could go get something for you," i offered, stuttering anxiously. she shook her head, "whatever, john," she got up and stomped up the stairs angrily, slamming our bedroom door.

i let out a breath i didn't know i was holding and plopped down on the couch, slamming my head into a couch pillow over and over, letting out my anger as tears of frustration welled in my eyes. i wasn't sure i could do this anymore; these constant arguments and lies were driving me insane.

    before i got lost in my own thoughts again, i headed upstairs to distract myself with editing or recording. i tried to edit some funny cs:go moments before eventually being consumed by my thoughts yet again. i leaned back in my chair, looking up at my ceiling hopelessly as i closed my eyes and wished that everything would end up alright.

    i woke up in my chair about three hours later to the sound of the front door closing. curiously, i rolled my chair over to my window to see who was here or who had just left. i moved my curtain to see a black- haired guy getting into a blue car that was parked in front of the house.

    my stomach dropped and there was a pang in my chest. she wouldn't fuck some random guy in our bed while i was here, right? i was sure now that i couldn't deal with this anymore; this constant worry and stress, i had to put an end to it.

    i walked out of my recording room, wiping my teary eyes and walking across the hall, hesitating for a moment before swinging our bedroom door open. she way laying in bed, a smug look on her face as she looked up at the ceiling.

"who just left?" i asked, my tone a bit harsher than i intended for it to be. her grin disappeared and she looked over at me, raising her eyebrow, "what do you mean?" i sighed, "you don't have to pretend anymore..." she shook her head, "pretend?"

i sat down on the bed next to her, "i'm not mad," i assured her, "i just wish you would've ended it if you wanted something with somebody else," i broke eye contact as i felt tears fighting to escape.

    she let out a long sigh, "john..." i shut my eyes, struggling to fight off the tears any longer. "i'm so sorry," she continued, pretending to feel bad and even though i knew she really didn't, part of me wanted to forgive her and hold her in my arms then and there but i knew i couldn't, for my own sake.

    i just wanted us to be happy together again, i hated being so distant from the love of my life. however, she broke me and i knew it would be nearly impossible for me to ever forgive her, no matter how much i loved her. "you invited somebody over to my house and then fucked him in our bed?" i questioned, finally letting the tears pour.

    she didn't respond but she didn't have to; her silence said it all. i bit down on my lip hard as a wave of anger rushed over me. "while i was across the fucking hall?" i interrogated angrily, "you never cared at all, did you?"

    "of course i cared, john, i was in love with you," she responded calmly, only upsetting me even more. "bullshit! if you cared, you wouldn't have cheated on me or tried to sleep with my best friend!" i stood up, breathing deeply as more tears started to fall.

    when she didn't respond, i lost it, "i just wasn't enough?" i asked, suddenly regretting the question. she shrugged her shoulders, "i don't know honestly, i just wanted something else." to say the least, her calm response made me livid.

    "get out," i said through gritted teeth. when she didn't budge, i said it again, except much louder this time, "get. out." she slowly sat up, reaching down next to her to pick up her clothes off of the floor. then she stood up and dropped the comforter that was draped over her, revealing her entire body as she stared at me.

    i averted my gaze from her, watching as she smirked. "get your shit and get out," i demanded before walking out of the room and slamming the door behind me. i wiped the tears from my cheeks with my sleeves as i walked into my recording room, closing the door behind me and collapsing into my chair, overwhelmed by all of my emotions.

"this is all my fault," i whispered to myself as i pulled my knees up to my chest, burying my head between them. i let myself cry until i felt i had no more tears inside of me. i hated her, not because she cheated on me but because the more i thought about it, the more i realized this it was all my fault; i wasn't enough.

    she lied to me, again and again but it's my fault because i still trusted her, again and again.