yeet ~ tobyonthetele and kryozgaming oneshots

my everything // kradio

toby

"so, what do you think of her?" john asked eagerly, his eyes scanning over the rest of the boys before landing on me. "she seems nice," cam said as the rest of the boys nodded in agreement. i however, didn't know how i felt. part of me was happy for john; happy that he'd moved on, happy that he'd found someone new. but the other part of me was... jealous. john and i had broken up over eight months ago but i was still having an extremely hard time getting over him even though i was the one who'd ended it between us.

    "toby?" john asked, pulling me from my thoughts. i looked up at him, only to find myself instantly regretting it. his mesmerizing blue- green eyes and the curious look on his face only made it harder for me to be honest with not only him, but also myself. "she seems great," i said, feigning a smile, "i'm happy for you." john's happy look in response made me sure that i'd made the right decision, even though i hadn't been so sure before.

    the rest of the day went along smoothly. i'd done my best to avoid john and in turn, avoid saying or doing anything i might regret. however, during my stream later that night, john decided to pop into my room. as soon as john appeared on stream, the chat went wild. "guys, guys," i started in response, "john and i are not together anymore... we've moved on."

    as soon as the words had left my mouth, i regretted them. 'we' hadn't moved on, he had. i was still silently hoping that one day we'd end up together again but i knew that could never happen. during our relationship, john was my everything. and after our relationship, john was my everything. he'd been my best friend and love of my life since middle school and the idea that he had somebody else now wasn't easy to cope with.

    i streamed for another hour and a half as john sat in the background, reading the chat and making stupid jokes. his presence made me feel anxious, something i had never felt around him. i was comfortable but i wasn't... i felt guilty. i knew that john deserved better but i couldn't wrap my head around the fact that i couldn't be better for him. i was undeniably jealous, and the feeling made me feel awful.

    as soon as i ended my stream, john confronted me; something i hoped wouldn't happen for another few months, at least. "toby," he said, a sad tone in his voice, "are you okay?" i didn't know how to respond. i wasn't sure whether or not to be honest with him but i ultimately decided that was the best thing for both of us.

    "john," i started, "truthfully, riley seems wonderful and i'm happy for you, but it's hard to know that you've moved on and that you have somebody new now," i said, looking anywhere but into his eyes. the room was silent until i spoke again, "i know it's wrong and that i shouldn't feel this way but i can't help it... i never moved on, john and seeing that you have, it hurts."

    john stayed silent again, a sure sign of something bad. "i'm sorry, john. this is so selfish of me, i know," i said, shaking my head in disappointment. "toby," he said, finally speaking up, "you don't get to be selfish like that. you broke up with me. do you know how unfair this is to me?" he asked, raising his voice slightly, "do you remember how broken i was when you ended things? do you know how fucked up i was? toby, i was absolutely in love with you but you didn't feel the same.

    "so how are you gonna be jealous that i have someone new when you ended things between us? you can't do that. i get to be happy now that i've finally moved on. i accepted that you'd moved on and now that i have, i'm finding out that you never did? no, fuck you, toby," he exclaimed, angrily, "you don't get to do that."

  i was awe-stricken. throughout our entire relationship, he had never talked to me so harshly. however, i knew that i deserved it. "john..." i i tried to say his name but it didn't come out as anything more than a whisper. "toby, i never even got an explanation..." he said, his eyes welling with tears, "i thought it was me but the whole time it was you... it was never me, it was always you."

    he stood up, wiping his tears with his hoodie sleeve as he headed towards my door. "john, i'm sorry. i knew that i didn't deserve you; that you deserved somebody better. i wasn't enough so i let you go before you realized it for yourself," i admitted, tears beginning to form. john turned around to look at me, "toby, you were enough and that's what this is about. you were so much more than just... enough. i wanted to spend the rest of my life with you and i thought you felt the same.

    "and that's exactly why we moved in together; we loved each other and wanted to be together. then two weeks later, the man that i was soon to propose to, broke my heart and left me to pick up the pieces," tears were steadily falling from each pair of eyes in the room now. with every truthful word he spoke, not only was i swallowed in guilt but also in regret.

    "toby, we literally got a house together then two weeks later, you ended things between us without an explanation. i've lived two rooms down from my ex- boyfriend in a house that we turned into the "misfits house" while an engagement ring sat in my desk drawer for over eight months and you're jealous of my girlfriend? whatever, toby."

    "john, you deserve better than me and now you have that... i'm happy for you. i'm sorry that i broke your heart, i'm sorry that i never told you why. i'm sorry that i wasn't enough. i'm sorry for everything, john. i'm sorry," i said quietly, feeling myself begin to break, "i thought i was doing what was best for you and that's all i ever wanted."

    "i didn't want better than you, toby. i wanted... you." neither of us said anything more; there was nothing else to be said. both of us were full of emotion. i was unsure of the exact emotions i was feeling but guilt and regret had to be the most significant.

    my selfishness had taken everything from me. my everything was... gone.