Innocence

The Reunion

I didn't see Esti at the synagogue on Saturday, which unsettled me. I was forced to sit next to Shayna as I fidgeted and looked all around the gallery for her or Mrs Halper, but I didn't see either of them. At one point Mrs Finkel reached over to me, she lightly touched the back of my hand and asked me if I was well. I was briefly dazed, and I settled after that. After the service, I overheard my father speaking with Esti's father.

'-just another small episode, Rav.' I caught Mr Halper's last words. 'She did apologise.'

'No, it is no matter,' my father said in his lowest voice. 'May her health be restored quickly. I will pray for her.'

'Thank you Rav.'

'What's wrong with Mrs Halper?' I asked my father after Mr Halper had disappeared.

'Nothing that concerns you, Ronit.' He'd replied briskly.

Esti rarely met me in the mornings now, so when I saw her sitting on the bench on Monday morning, I thought I was imagining her. Initially I was ecstatic, and I started floating towards her, but then my stomach plunged when I remembered what Shayna had told me on Friday; that she'd seen Esti holding hands with Dovid outside the deli. In the short walk, I worked myself into a dither.

'Hi.' She greeted me with a smile. 'My mother slept in today.'

'That's good.' I said, standing above her. The early sun must have been in her eyes because she was squinting up at me.

'I snuck out.'

'Good.'

'Are you glad?'

'I'm always glad to see you. I missed you on Saturday.' I said as she stood up, she was shorter than me and I always liked that. I caught a glimpse of her dimples and her green eyes glinting in the light of the morning and the adverse feeling inside me faded somewhat. We walked a little while in quiet, I listened to the birds tweeting and watched the cars and buses rumbling past us.

'What's wrong?' Esti asked me eventually as soon as we turned onto the quiet road, her fingers locked into mine.

'Were you holding hands with Dovid last week?'

'Dovid?'

'Outside the deli?'

'Erm, I- no. I don't remember.' I could almost hear her tongue twisting.

'Shayna said she saw you both on Friday.'

'I- I think- I did see Dovid on Friday.'

'Did he hold your hand?'

'Yes, maybe. I think so, he- it wasn't like when we hold hands though.'

'What was it like?'

'I don't know. I was- I was waiting outside because my mother was getting things for dinner, and Dovid turned up and sat with me.' Her hand started to writhe, but it still firmly gripped mine. I didn't speak because I wanted her to fill the silence. 'He asked me if he could.'

'And you said yes?'

'I- I- yes, but it wasn't-'

'I don't mind.' I was lying, but I wanted her to stop floundering.

'It really wasn't the same, Ronit.'

'It doesn't matter. It's only holding hands anyway. It's what children do.'

'But... I like it when we hold hands.'

I didn't say anything back, but I did stroke her with my thumb. I heard a car approaching and our hands naturally came apart and returned to one another when it had passed.