Innocence

The Diary Pt.2

He took a step into the room and I couldn't breathe or swallow. He was carrying something but I couldn't look at him properly; I didn't want to meet his eyes. Everything he'd read, all of the words I'd written about myself, about Ronit, her body and my body. I felt sick. I desperately tried to remember exactly what I'd written in there, all of the incriminating things I'd written that my father now knew.

She always makes me wet. Even when she's not there, even just thinking about her, she makes me wet. I've had to start doing my own laundry because I'm scared my mother will find my underwear and find out something is going on.

I can't get the taste of R out of my head. She tastes so good, I want her all the time, I want her right now but we're going to my stupid Aunt's house. I don't want to wash my hands with too much soap in case I lose the scent of her on my fingers.

I think I'm obsessed with R. I wonder if she thinks about me as much as I think about her.

Last night, we didn't stop. I mean it, we didn't stop. I didn't sleep and neither did she. She couldn't keep her hands off me, and I couldn't stop licking her. We went the whole night and the next day at the synagogue, we both slept in the back pews so no one could see us.

He perched on the end of my bed and rested whatever was in his hands in his lap, while I tried to keep the noxious bubbling in my stomach down.

'You are growing up, Esti. You are a woman now.' He sounded unperturbed, as though there was no fraught air between us. 'And young women need their privacy.'

A hot flush rushed down my spine. 'Okay.' I said, shakily. 'Dad, I can- if you saw my-'

'I didn't read it.' He started chuckling and lifted a wooden box up. 'I made you-'

'You- you didn't read it?'

'No.' He sounded outraged, his bristly facial hair concealing a downturned mouth. 'Of course I didn't.'

'Oh...' My heart was still thudding in my chest. The hot sweat trickling down the back of my neck turned cold and I started to laugh in an exasperated manner.

'I made you this, Esti.' He held the box up, it smelled like fresh timber.

'What- what is it?'

'It is a box, for your diary. That you can keep locked.' He showed it to me. 'There's a mechanism inside that unlocks with this key.'

'Oh, oh. That's- that's- thank you dad.' I wiped my nose, which was running. My eyes felt damp, so I wiped them with my sleeve too. 'Is my-my diary in there?'

'It is.' He handed the box to me, it still had fresh shavings covering it. 'And here is the key.'

He placed a small bronze key in my other hand, it was warm and clammy from being in his palm. I stood there, not knowing how to respond. I was confused, a small fraction of my heart wanted my father to find out about me and Ronit. A part of me begging to tell him now, convincing me that I could confide in him, that he would understand. It was madness, surely?

'Thank you- thank you so much.'

'You keep everything safe in here, yes? So that your mother and me cannot snoop on you.' He touched my nose gently then, I gripped the box to my chest.

'Well, I will leave you to this. Were you staying in this evening? What did your mother buy at the market? It smells... peculiar.'

'She's making livers.' I said, trying to hide how grateful I was that I would miss it. 'I was going to- to go to Ronit's.'

'Ah, yes. You should go there and keep her company. The Rav is out tonight.'

'Is he?'

'Mm. I saw him walking while I was out. He was heading to Shul for the evening.' He said as he stood up, he stretched up and scratched his chin. 'Would you like a lift to Ronit's?'