Innocence

The Time

When I left the classroom, I looked back at Esti and smiled, but when I got into the corridor, I knew that this wouldn't be a normal telling off. As soon as Miss Stern realised what was on my neck, what I was hiding from her and the others, it became more serious than usual. I sensed a shift, in how she treated me and in how other adults treated me. I became less of a child in their eyes, and I could see my punishment warping and transforming behind their eyes.

'What on earth is that?' Were Miss Stern's first words.

'I don't know.' I said confidently, though I heard my voice crack slightly. 'It's a bruise I think, maybe I punched myself in my sleep by accident-'

'Don't be impertinent, Ronit.' Miss Stern's face had drained of all colour, as though I'd mortally wounded her. 'I know what that is, and you know what that is, so why don't you tell me how you got it?'

'I told you, I think I punched myself in the-'

'Ronit! This is serious! This is terrible behaviour. What would your father say if he found out?'

I shrugged. For some reason, I really didn't care where this was going. If my father found out, if the rest of the school found out, if Dovid found out... none of it mattered to me.

'Well, perhaps we'll see what he has to say.'

'Fine.' I muttered, as Miss Stern dragged me towards the school lobby to make a very distressed call to the Rav.

When he arrived eventually, he'd been busy at the synagogue, he didn't say a word. He didn't speak when we walked to the car, and nothing passed between us as we drove home together. Though his face was beetroot red and the tip of his nose was purple. We walked into the house together, me a few steps behind him. After I closed the door, he said only four words:

'Go to your room.'

So I did, and neither of us said another thing.

My punishment wasn't over; just because he hadn't shouted or thrown threats my way didn't mean anything. I was banned from seeing Esti altogether. I was also banned from seeing Caleb, which made me feel some glimmer of relief, that people might think it was Caleb that gave me the lovebite and not Esti; more for Esti's sake than anything. I wasn't allowed to go to school, all of my work was sent home with teachers or through the post. My father also forced me to go to every shul service there was, except for the Saturday one, where I would see everyone I wasn't supposed to. Sometimes he gave me personal lectures or lessons on morality, sin and purity, he'd end each one my blessing me, as though he was trying to cleanse me of something. It was stupid and annoying and I hated every minute of it, because there was nothing wrong with me. I was especially frustrated because I hadn't seen Esti in what felt like forever.

It was after a week that I snapped. I'd been stuck in the house for too long and I was starting to feel insane. Every noise the Rav made filled me with anger, every time Dovid's voice carried up the stairs drove me to madness. I started making note of the times they did things. I took note of when they would pray, when they would study and when they would eat. The times they would be out of the house and the times they would be in.

I took my chance on a Tuesday afternoon. I'd heard them speaking earlier about a a trip they had to take to old Mr Schuman's home, he was unwell and when people here were unwell or immobile they were afforded the luxury of a private service with the Rav and his understudy. I waited five minutes after the door closed and the house went silent. I grabbed my coat and darted out of the house, closing the door behind me swiftly and taking all the back roads I knew so that I could run to school. So that I could see Esti.

I arrived at the gates, out-of-breath and winded; my face was fiery red and I could feel my hair had frizzed up and gone wild. I didn't care. I tried to think about where our class would be, it took me a little while but eventually I found our music class. I peered in through the stained glass, the girls in there were all a blur and I couldn't make out anyone, so I waited outside, slightly hidden in a nook of what used to be an old cloakroom.