this is a letter that i wanted to get absolutely perfect. i'm still not quite happy with it for some reason. anyway, here it is.
and fair warning, it's sad. so don't read it if you're in a good mood. or do. its on you.🤷♀️
conner,
you were someone i could have seen myself falling in love with. i could see our future, laid out plainly in front of us. can you see it?
even if you can't, indulge me for a minute, okay? the lazy afternoons together, waking up in your arms every day, our lives intertwined so i can't tell where yours begins and mine ends, good morning kisses, surprising me with my favorite things, starting a family together one day. i can see all of that with you. i haven't pictured my future with anyone else, before or after you.
losing you had made me wonder if i'd ever find someone like you again, or if i'd simply stay single.
you never failed to make me laugh, with all of our countless inside jokes. the sight of your deep brown eyes, the sprinkling of freckles dusting your cheeks, and your bright red hair made my heart beat faster. and something about those warm coffee eyes made me feel special.
your funeral, it was so beautiful. i know, not a word you use to describe them normally, but everyone was there. i wish you knew that before you were gone. everyone was there for you. if i could change any one thing in someone's life, that would be it. that you knew you weren't alone, that you knew that i and everyone else loves you so much. because i think you'd still be here today.
you'd be here for you mom. she's struggling too much. you'd be here for your little brother. you know what he told me, that day they went to go clean out your room? he said, "i've got my piece of conner." he had your necklace around his neck and was beaming when he showed me. but he shouldn't have had to take a piece of you. he should still have you. you'd be here for your stepdad, who misses you so much, even though you were literally the red-headed stepchild. you'd be here for your dad (even though he's a jerk and i don't like him), who flew across the country for you.
but most of all you'd be here for your sister, my best friend. she tried to tell you one time what was going on in her head, but you said didn't believe her, that you didn't believe in mental illness. a few days ago she tried to kill herself. i don't know what i would do if she'd been successful. because i've only just now gotten where i can remember you without losing it, and it's been almost a year. but losing her too almost certainly would have pushed me over the edge.
i want to be selfish for a minute. because if you hadn't've done it, you'd be here for me too. you'd be here to wrap me in your arms like you did. you'd laugh when i, inevitably, injure myself somehow. you'd crack your stupid jokes. you'd play piano for me again.
you'd be here.
i miss you. i wish that i was still in the phase of having a crush on you and trying to hide it. i wish i didn't have to mend my broken heart. i wish that i never heard those three words, "conner committed suicide." i wish i knew why. i wish for so much, but you're still gone. so many wishes that won't come true now, that can't come true.
i want to say so many things to you. i want you to know that i understand the feelings you had. and that i wish neither of us knew what those felt like. i want to hug you again, and i wouldn't take it for granted this time. maybe i'd even kiss you one day. i also want to slap you. but i'm not the only one, so fair warning. i want to tell you all the people who came to your funeral; i'd list them off one by one for you, show you how many people were there for you. we were all here for you.
you know, i think would have eventually been okay if you hadn't liked me at all, just as long as you were still here. and now, i don't even know what okay means anymore.
i don't have anyone else to draw bessie for me. (and of course i still have all of those. why wouldn't i?) or scare me. or win sequence with because we cheat with sign language. or give me minor panic attacks when you're near me. even if i did, i don't want anyone else. i just want you.
when i see you again, i'm definitely going to slap you. and then hug you. i'm mad at you, but i miss you so much more than anything.
i have so many questions. both the ones i can't help but wonder:
how did you think of me? was i nothing more than a little sister to you, or could we ever have been something? what were you going through that you felt you had no other options? did you think about what this would do to us you left behind? why did you do it?
and the ones i should have known sooner: what was your favorite color, and why? what about food? where in the world did you want to visit the most? what was your favorite memory? what was your biggest regret?
i want so many things from you, about you, for you, but right now, i just want to say hi.
love,
clo
p.s. i watched your favorite movie the other day. even before i knew it was your favorite, it made me think of you. and now it always will.
*name has been changed*
