The diary of a depressed teen.

Silence

I find it funny that so many people can see you break down in the middle of class, or work, or life, but not one gives a damn about your broken heart. But sometimes we get to a point where the better thing to do is sit there in silence and not make a sound while the endless stream of broken promises, lies, and betrayal run down the soft surface that is you. Have you ever just sat in your bedroom feeling like you are just another insignificant life in this cruel world? I have. 

Why, what did I do to deserve feeling so lost that I feel I don't even belong in a coffin? I'm in constant pain. I went to my counselor and told her EVERYTHING, everything. The best advice she gave me? Focus on school, it's the best chance you have of getting out of the situation you are in right now. I feel so betrayed by my principal because I told him that I did not want to talk to her about anything. I don't trust counselors at school because the only thing they care about are your grades, and your GPA. They don't want to hear your story. 

Maybe killing myself would be a message to them that they should've asked about if I felt safe or not. Do I? No. Death is something that I am terrified of. I hate the thought of just not being someone in a second. But at the same time, death can't possibly make me feel more alone. Does anyone ever actually feel sorry for the pain that they cause? I don't think so because if they did, there would be less fucked up cases of suicide because of fucking bullying, or rape, or abuse, the world would be better. But society infers that getting pregnant at age 16 is wrong. That once that child is born, there goes your life. Society infers that to be pretty, girls have to weigh 20 under the healthy limit, that we have to have big boobs and big butts. There are high standards for everybody, don't think I just want to protect girls just because I am one. The standards are too high for both sides. 

We have built this definition of perfect. To be perfect for a man means to have a six pack, to be unreasonably tan, to be exactly 6 feet 3 inches tall, to have blue eyes and to be mysterious. For women, we have to have perfectly styled hair, makeup to cover our 'ugly' faces, to have tight clothes, shirts that show off our boobs, and high heels to show off our legs. But what does dressing up like that get us? SLUT, BITCH, WHORE. If you have ever had to sit in your bedroom at night and covered your mouth so that you don't make any noise while you cry your eyes out because of these standards, I truly feel for you. I've spent too many days thinking that I'm not good enough, and I still feel like this everyday. I'm depressed damn-it. But it is something that none of us can escape. I hurt myself everyday because I feel like I'm not even WORTHY of being hurt by anyone else. 

I'm tired of hurting and I want it to stop. I don't want to die, but if I continue like this then it WILL kill me. One way or another. Bye.