The diary of a depressed teen.

Dear Dad

THIS MAY BE TRIGGERING TO SOME VIEWERS.

I know that we didn't always get along. By that I mean I tried to get you the help you needed and you didn't have any interest in getting better. Did you know it was coming? Was it painful, scary? What was running through your mind when your body started to fail you? We're you thinking about your kids? Maybe the woman who raised them and stayed by your side even when you cheated on her once and wanted a divorce? Did you think about your brothers, or your parents? Could you see how everyone was feeling? Did you watch your own funeral from wherever you may be? Are you even out there, listening to me? I miss you so much and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about you. The good you. The one that wanted to take me camping but never got the chance. The one that told me I was beautiful before prom and hugged me as tight as you could. Not the bad you. Not bad-sad. Not the one that hid in his bedroom for two of my birthdays. 2020 was just another year where I didn't hear "happy birthday" from you. It would be the third, actually. And you were alive for the first two. You'll never meet my kids. My little boy who I will name Leighton Michael (and whatever last name I take when I marry). I don't have a girls name yet but I want it to be unique. Like my little boy will be. But you can't help me with that. You can't give me suggestions and oh. I just want to see you one more time. To talk to you about everything that's been going on and everything that was going on before grandpa told me to go the hospital that you were dead upon arrival at. I remember my best friend skipping the next day of school with me because I didn't know how I could do it. Without her I can say that it wouldn't have been good. I used to self harm...I don't know if you even knew that. If I had told you about it, you probably would have tried to "one-up" me. Tell me that you had something worse. Without her I would've relapsed and I don't think I would've been able to stop. Who knows though? I miss you so much. I've been having dreams about you where you come up to me and I run at you to hug you. It's the best hug ever and I won't ever get it again. I miss every part of you and if there was something I could do to bring you back, I would do whatever it took.

I love you so much dad.
Rest easy.