The diary of a depressed teen.

Thoughts On Childhood

Do you think people actually care about everyday things? Like food, showering, putting makeup on, going to the store, work, etc.? I don't. You would think that people would find these things to be the most important out of anything we could possibly have to do, but no. There are much more important things in life to think about. Like the type of world you want your kids to grow up in. I want my kids to grow up happy and free. Free of stress, worry, anxiety, and depression. But those are all things that I can't control. No matter how hard I try. I will never be able to control those emotions when they are my child's emotions and theirs alone. I have a lot of opinions. But one I feel most strongly about is the way people treat each other. How can I say that I am a good person when, when I look at people on the streets, I turn away. Not even willing to hear their story. I often think that I'm a terrible person because I've lost myself to the person everyone expects and wants me to be. I'm supposed to be the strong daughter who can help pay bills. Who can help her dad get up off the floor and help him through his suicidal stages and depression and his hangovers. I do so much, yet I get into trouble for doing too much. They want help financially, but tell me I work too much. I dropped out of school once. I can do it again. I can get a good paying job, and save my money. (That is if I don't have too many bills to help with). Then I can get my own car, an apartment, all of the things I need to be able to survive on my own. I can do it. I've been doing it since 6th grade. I didn't have parents then. I had two adults that were fighting because of his choices. He kicked her out. I'm surprised that we lasted as long as we did in that house. I miss you daddy. I miss it when we would all pile into the car on a hot summer day when I was younger. When we could scrape the money together, we would go to the water park and be there all day. We were always close enough to walk. I think that they did that because they didn't (have money) and didn't want to pay the money for parking. They didn't want to spend money they didn't have. But that money is gone now. Isn't it daddy? There not much left. We are barely surviving. This isn't living. This is surviving. When you can barely get by. The saddest part of this is that everyone will go through it. For some, it might be transformational. For others, deadly.