Lesbian Dancing After The Show: An Improviser's Non Improvised Life

Five Cats, A Shawl & an Internet Connection: A Woman's Guide to Dying Alone

Walking down the street with a group of people after being righteously hung over from a reception the night before, we started to discuss the idea of the Internet and how it has affected our patterns of social behavior. Even to the point of cycles of sleep: You can do more than what we could have ever done not more than twenty years ago, so much that even our nocturnal patterns are disturbed.

Even as writers: You can get so much more done when you have wireless connection in your home at two in the morning. And you can take your laptop to bed with you. There is also someone in the world up with you at any time to chat with online.

Yes. I have been in bed at four in the morning going Just five more minutes and then I will stop designing this thing in Photoshop...

But there is something about that mid-day coffee and lox conversation with people, talking about nothing and everything in particular.

While I was having my lox that afternoon, there was a young man across the café. He was indeed in public.

He was on his laptop. In The Laptop Hunch Position: Shoulders rolled into the computer and hands carefully hunched to hit those tiny tiny little keys and move his fingers along the pad.

I see a lot of sixty year olds in 2043 with Chronic Laptop Hunch Syndrome taking medicine for that, which of course will cause sleepless nights and rectal bleeding.

If anyone is looking for new and growing jobs that are not on the Internet highway? You might wish to try Back Massage Therapy, Chiropractor, or possibly Drug Researcher for the new company "Hunchavecs."

That coffee shop could have exploded. Hot steamy chai and foam ankle high could have flooded the place. He would not have noticed. I wondered what would have happened if I got up from my table of people and just plopped ass right next to him and went: HOWDY! My name is Shaun, what's yours? Just to see his look of amazement.

A stranger just talked to me? Holy hell! I got to tell this to Electricladyland68, whom I've never met in person!

Then I ponder about Electricladyland68. What her life must be like.

She is young too. She has stood in line when every new iPhone came out. Her cell phone has the Youtube Video music to "Cat. I'm a Kitty Cat," and she watches "Walk it Out Fosse" by DJ Unk, not having any clue who that lead dancer is (it's Gwen Verdon) or even an inkling on who Bob Fosse was. But "Lol rofl perfect!"*

I also see Electricladyland68 in 2043.

Before the Internet, the Survival Guide for Women Dying Alone has always been Five Cats and a Shawl.

Every once in a while your neighbor checks in with you to make sure you have food...and you bark something at the door like GO AWAY! or GOD HAS ABANDONED ME or Are you a cat? But they leave some food there anyway. Then someone in the apartment below you hears a thud and a cat starts to mew loudly.

Dying alone.

I see Electricladyland68 in 2043. With the technology of the present day, you never have to leave the house. In 2043? You can die alone on the computer.

You don't need the in-person interaction at all. She still has her online friend from the coffee shop (his spine curled into a permanent forward arch), whom she still has not met to chat with face to face.

That worried neighbor no longer leaves food, so has opted to use Safeway.com to order her groceries, with Electricladland68 cc'd. Where the reply email always reads: GOD HAS ABANDONED ME or R U A CAT?

She can watch her old favorite shows on Netflix. Why see live theater or even get up from the bed to watch her holographic television? She can watch "Classic Colbert."

Boy, he was a really good president, before his VP Steve Carrell accidentally shot him in the face with a live round he thought was a paintball gun. I love watching these old shows. Shame the Writers are still on strike....

She can tell how nice it is outside by checking Weather.com. Her shawl is delivered by Fedex.com from Target.com.

The only constant for a Woman Dying Alone are the cats. And even then that could become antiquated. By then you can download the virtual application Catonyourlap.com.

Set the application for the kind of cat you wish to die with. A white Calico. Your classic Morris Cat. The black on top, white on bottom variety. They'll have it all there with the click of a button. Set your cat to be friendly or aloof. Have your cat lick the screen every time you take your finger and rub the screen on his virtual backside. By then Laptop Smells will be available, so you will be able to use the "Kitty Breath" function.

It's a monthly charge that you can apply to your Virtual Medicare. First five cats are covered. You have to pay extra for each additional virtual cat.

All of a sudden, your downstairs neighbors hear a thud and a virtual cat starts to mew loudly from the dropped laptop.

The neighbors get online to ThePolice.com. They in turn get online to GetAnAmbulance.com. The interactive pdf form asks what type of person it is.

They check the box that says "Woman Dying Alone."

There is your new Guide to Dying Alone, Internet Ladies.

For those who do not wish to follow it: Call up friends and meet for coffee after being righteously hung over the night before with those same friends.

Do not bring your laptop.

Do not die alone on the internet.

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