Lesbian Dancing After The Show: An Improviser's Non Improvised Life

Corny Betty

Here is something I have learned over the years: Most Artistic People hate being on the phone with people who have just gone through something horrible.

It's not all of us. But it's a disproportionate amount.

It's the stammering and the uh...okay...oh...honey...uh...okay...whatever you need...hey I knew someone who went through this once...uh...whatever you need..

...let me call you back in a minute.

And you don't hear back from them until enough ample time has passed where the healing has happened without them.

Some people might be thrown off by this behavior in the non-artistic world where The Corny Betty's in Accounting reside.

We all know the archetype of Betty in Accounting: Her cow collection spilling out of her cubicle. She comes personally to your house with a container of cookies in a cow tin. She gathers the collection of monies for the hallmark card all signed. The stock boy just signing his name. Betty from accounting with her big bubble signature with the E replaced as a cow shaped like an "E."

You know the stock boy probably has a regular spot every Tuesday Night at The Comedy Barn and has never been to your show (he has used your headshot person, though) while Corny Betty in accounting makes it a point to attend both yours and his show and is the one who has sent out the company email for it.

You start to wonder who the better person here is.

Comedians make fun of Corny Betty in accounting a lot. It's probably because we cannot believe this person can be sincere. Lord knows, comedians cannot stand about three minutes of misery before turning off of that conversation. Too Real. Not Funny.

When comics' and artists' worlds become bad? Comics only wish they had MORE Corny Betty's in Accounting in their lives.

The people who actually care. The ones that don't look at you as the holy mess shrine of material to glean from. A character for the next novel. The observations from your life that just might make a great ten minutes before the red light comes on to tell you to get off the stage.

You just pretend it's no big deal with your artistic friends, and then try to move on to talk about something else to "make them feel more comfortable." In the worst cases, you end up consoling your friends for having to console you.

Corny Betty from Accounting (with her clock that moos on the hour every hour), is not so bad now, is she? You only wish for that intrusive phone call that is a touch too religious, and the open ear policy where you can spill your guts out...and that "Welcome Back, Rock Star" sticky on your computer when your sick leave is over.

You know good and well that Corny Betty in Accounting actually has been praying for you at her church. Not using your story as interesting conversation at some after show/reading gathering:

Artistic One: You hear about Shaun?
Artistic Two: Yeah...that sucks.
Artistic One: Have you talked to her?
Artistic Two: Oh no. I don't deal with that well. You?
Artistic One: Yeah, for a few minutes. She sounds bad. Could not deal. Got off the phone pretty quick.
Artistic Two: Oh man. That must have been HORRIBLE FOR YOU.
Artistic One: No Doubt! I felt so uncomfortable talking to her. I think she was crying...
Artistic Two: Yeah. That sucks for you. I'M SO SORRY.
Artistic One: Thanks. I really appreciate it. I really needed some support after that....

Corny Betty is at her church lighting you a candle. Most Artistic People are trying to find a way to mask your name and change your experience around just enough to use as part of a screenplay.

Corny Betty is calling your emergency contact to make sure that you are covered with family. Most Artistic People are calling the place where you usually host to see if they can "Cover for you" before you personally can inform anyone of what is going on:

Comedy Chuckle Owner: Hey, I just found out about you.
Me: Really?
Comedy Chuckle Owner: I'm so sorry for you.
Me: Thanks. How did you find out?
Comedy Chuckle Owner: Artistic Number One called me an hour ago.
Me: Really?
Comedy Chuckle Owner: Yeah. He felt really bad for you and offered to host for you while you are out.
Me: ...Of course he did.  So, did he sound really shaken up needing moral support? Then, lower his hosting fee?

I would like to personally thank all the Corny Betty's in Accounting for what they do. As a person who resides around a lot of Artistic People without your sensibilities at the lowest parts of my life? I wish to thank you.

You are the people who selflessly look out for the world. You are smarter than you let on. You know that you are used as the stereotype of comedy. In a lot of cases, in the Artistic World of Comedy on Television, you are considered the "Butt Monkey" because it is easier to make fun of the caring. The cynical and artistic think you are doing these nice things because you are lonely, Corny Betty.

Lonely, desperate and a little bit controlling.

They see themselves in you even though none of that exists in you. Kind of twisted, Betty. Isn't it?

You quietly give, and don't make a big deal out of it. No big fanfare. Your acts of generosity are not shown on HBO or Showtime. You have not written a press release about it. You just put the homemade cookies in the hand painted cow tin with the note in calligraphy saying I'm thinking about you.

It is no longer corny, Betty, when you send me a rubber ear, because you know I'm a comedienne, with a note that says My ear is always open, because I know it is. I know if I called you, that you would listen and not sound awkward or wish I was a little bit more "Upbeat about Miscarriages."

You, Betty, are underrated and underappreciated. You, Betty, give human kindness (and bovines) a wonderful face.

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