Falling For Her

"I don't think people understand how stressful it is to explain what's going on in your head when you don't even understand it yourself."

When I woke up the next morning my heart was hurting. Not like heart attack kind of heart but like a sad kind of hurt. You know how you lose somebody that you really care about? And then you get this bad feeling in your stomach and your heart starts to hurt. I don't know, maybe it's just me, but that's what I'm feeling right now. When I got in the shower, all I wanted to do was cry. I wanted and needed my Nena in my life so bad. I wanted her to meet Kenya, I wanted her to be at my games cheering me on. I wanted her to just be there when I called her phone to talk. Talk about anything. I don't care what anybody says, Nena was my mom. She was my first love. When I was out in the streets doing girls wrong. Fucking and dogging them. She was the one the slapped the back of my head and told me to get my shit together. I just know how proud she would be to see that I settled down with a good girl. To see that I'm doing good in school and on the court.

I know that I talked about this to Kenya, but I needed to go and see her. I needed to just go and lay down next to Nena's grave and just talk to her, talk to her about everything that's been going on. Yeah I talk to Kenya, but with Nena it's different. It's like once I get everything off ny chest it goes away talking to her. Yeah it goes away when I talk to Kenya, but I just, I don't know how to explain it. I'm going to see her, I want Kenya there to be my support system. But she's having so much fun with her mom I'm not even going to ask her. I threw on some black Nike sweats, my timbs and my peacoat and grabbed my car keys. I walked out the house and quietly shut the door. I got in my car and just sat there, I finally stopped shaking and panicking and started up my car. I pulled off and about a half hour later, I stopped at a store and brought some followers. I know that I should've asked Kenya to come. I was definitely going to need her. Damn. I wasn't about to call her. Speaking of call, she must've not noticed that I was gone because she would've been blowing up my phone.

20 minutes later, I pulled into the cemetery. I pulled up to Nena's row and got out. I rubbed the stone, sat down and then I laid the flowers down.

"Nena, I miss you sooo much. I know that your always with me and looking down on me but that's not enough. You made me who I am Nena. Without you, I don't know where I would be at. You showed me so much through the years. I wish that you could be here with me. I wish that you could actually see me. Yeah I know that your in a better place, but I just want you here. And I'm sorry if I'm being selfish but I don't care. I know that your in a better place now and I know that your looking down at me smiling. im so glad my mom left me with you. Lord only knows how I would have turned out if I were still with her. Nena, I met a girl. Her name is Kenya. She reminds me of you in a lot of ways. She's so sweet and caring. She takes care of me like you did. She's the love of my life. I know that you would love her. She's an amazing woman. Nena, what am I going to do without you? How am I really  going to make it without you? How can I just smile and sit back like everything's okay when it's not. I just wish that I could have 5 more minutes with you. I appreciate you and everything you did for me. You taught me so much and I never reallt got to say thank you. So thank you Nena, I love you with everything in my heart." I said and at this time I couldn't take it anymore. I was trying to be strong, but I couldn't. The minute that I went to go stand up I fell. My emotions just took over my whole body. I was snatched up from the back.

"Baby." I heard Kenya whisper as she pulled me into her arms and then I knew that everything was going to be okay. It was like Nena was answering my questions. Kenya was how I was going to get through everything. She followed me. She knew that I would need her and she was here for me. What more could I ask for. I knew at this moment that no matter what, this was the girl that I was going to marry. I needed her in my life. I wouldn't make it without her.

When got back to the car, she climbed on my lap and just kissed me. I couldn't even kiss her back, that's how crazy I was feeling. We finally left and made it back to the house where she gave me a bubble bath and then massages. I didn't want her to leave me, so I pulled her back and she just held me. I was sleep when I saw this light tapping me. I kept trynna push it away but it wouldn't budge. When I opened my eyes I saw Nena. I looked over and saw Kenya sleep.

"Baby, you gotta let me go" She smiled.

"What? No I'm never letting you go." I replied getting up.

"Stubborn. Just like your father. Baby, I'm gone now. You can't keep grieving. I'm always in your heart. I'm always here for you. Remember the good times not the bad ones." She said still smiling.

"I-I can't."

"Yes, you can. Now wake up. Oh and by the way I love her." She replied kissing my forehead and pointing at Kenya.

I woke up and Nena wasn't here. I was dreaming but I know that she was here. I know that what she said was true. She was gone and all I had were memories. And I needed to keep the positive ones and let the negative ones go and that's what I plan on doing. Kenya being there for me was just great. She was all I needed.

"You okay Avi?" Kenya questioned me.

"Yeah baby, I'm amazing." I answered smiling at her.

"You sure." She said looking unsure.

"I'm positive pooh." I smiled before pecking her lips, she grabbed me and hugged me tight. I couldn't help but get turned on. I know, I know. But she was just sexy as hell. We went downstairs and talked to her mom. Her mom went to the store to go get a couple things. Y'all know how Black   and Spanish mom's be. They say they only getting a few things and come out with the whole damn store.

  That didn't bother me though, that gave Kenya and I more time. If you catch my drift. I took her upstairs and threw her on the bed. And one thing led to another.

"Thank you for being here for me." I said to her outta breathe.

"Anytime popa, anytime." She moaned.