New Beginnings

Spectre Status: Recognized

"Shepard?" Garrus' soft breath tickled my ear. The asari councilor showed me to a seat, the salarian fetched me a glass of water.

I must've looked like hell, everyone fuzzing over me like that was unsettling. I didn't sit, I didn't need to. I'd stand, leaning casually on Garrus' arm, I wasn't feeling faint but I needed his support. Emotionally.

"I know why you called me here, Garrus filled me in. And I'm humbled, thankful, but I can't take this responsibility right now. I'm not feeling entirely like myself, I need some time," I tried to sound level, cold headed. My voice didn't break, once. Garrus squeezed my arm, softly. A supportive gesture.

"I'm sorry to hear that, Shepard," the asari councilor fumbled with her fingers.

"But we were expecting something like it," the turian's mandibles twitched, he rubbed his temples. "We had to see for ourselves, talk to you. Ask," he sat down.

I'd gotten good at reading turian facial expressions: he looked thoughtful. Not disappointed, not angry or, hell, absolutely not sad. I didn't have a chance to keep looking, the Asari held my arm, briefly.

"It shows great strength, Shepard, stepping down, acknowledging your current difficulties: you're still the woman we need, anyone else would've lied, taken the spot. You'll heal, you'll have the time, and the offer will still stand. You'll be whole again, Shepard, don't you worry," the asari put a finger on my forehead, was she blessing me? trying to embrace eternity? I stepped back, politely.

"Your teammate was right, after all," the salarian clasped her hands under her chin.

Who had that been? my mind kept going back to Tali. Maybe, in her jealousy, she tried to undermine me, make me look bad in Garrus' eyes. But no, I was being unfair. I had to take those thoughts out of my head. I remembered Jack, her tattoed skin under the cargo hold's red lights, sweating, if she'd had hair she would've made herself bald out of anxiety. Bugs, crawling in and out of her head, she called them. She scribbled in her journal, nonstop, reading cerberus reports. I'd go down there with some chocolate, a sandwich. I couldn't let those thoughts consume me, I wasn't like that. Tali was my friend.

I tried to think of a specific memory of us, trigger something, but nothing. Maybe I needed to spend time with her, remind myself, and her, of our friendship. Garrus caressed my cheek, I'd spaced out again, in front of the council.

"Maybe they put some drell brain cell tissues in there, to help you heal faster," Garrus joked on our way back to the apartment.

"Huh. Well, I guess I owe Thane a posthumous apology, then: these flashbacks are a pain in the ass. I'm sorry I made fun of the guy, do you think he knew I wasn't really making fun of him? He was a little too serious," I looked out the window, the streets were still crawling with people trying to see me.

"Don't worry, Shepard, I'm sure he knew," he held my hand. He paused, put a hand on my cheek then looked at me, pressing his forehead close to mine. "You'll be fine. The flashbacks will stop, eventually, I promise," he squeezed. He always knew what to say to make me feel better. "You'll be the usual kind of crazy in no time," he joked. I laughed, softly, then kissed him.

My omnitool bipped. I hadn't realized I had an extranet connection already, I assumed it only worked in the apartment. Not only that, but the message I received informed me of my reinstatement to duty, as a spectre, full pay, all benefits, effective immediately. The message had come from the turian councilor, no sign of the asari or salarian's digital signatures. Odd. We didn't discuss my reinstatement, I didn't think it would be on the table with the reaper threat gone and my mental recovery on hold. Did Garrus know about it? Of course he didn't, he would've told me. The councilors' faces told me he wasn't supposed to discuss my seat in the council with me, he obviously couldn't help it. We were a team, no Shepard without Vakarian.

I showed him the message, he raised the plaques over his eyes, his mandibles twitched.

"He never mentioned this, Shepard, I would've told you," I believed him. He read the message, several times, scanned it for forgery. It was genuine.

"Why the secrecy? It's not like they would've said no, right?" I closed my omnitool.

"Hmm. He's been preoccupied with something, lately. With us, turians, returning to Palaven. Some have made the trip, are still on their way, actually, but getting closer. Without the relays, it's harder to get to other systems. The asari and krogan don't have that problem, their loved ones will still be there once they get to Thessia, Tuchanka, or wherever colony they came from," he hugged me.

"How long is the trip to Palaven?"

"A couple of years? four give or take. With ftl and enough eezo, extra fuel. All ships are equipped with cryo chambers, that's not the problem. Some people back home don't have years to spare, grandparents, children grow so fast, you know?" the skycar experienced some turbulence, I bumped into Garrus' chin. We chuckled, the mood lightened a bit.

"I hadn't thought about that, I didn't have the chance to," my problems seemed so small. I was already home, with my kind. Garrus? He was away from everything he knew, from his family. Was I the only thing keeping him on earth? "What about the others? Liara could've gone back to Thessia, and Tali? I don't think I've seen many, hell, any quarians in any of our outings."

"We stayed for you, Shepard, all of us. Even Javik, though he keeps saying it's because he can't find a ship to go to wherever it is he was planning to go and join his brethren," he mimicked his voice, I laughed. "The council decided they were needed here, earth is the new citadel, as you can see," he pointed outside.

"But what does that mean, for me? What does the turian councilor think I can do for, well, absolutely every species stranded down here?" I whispered. Our driver couldn't hear us, she was separated from us by reinforced glass.

"I think our talks made him believe you're capable of helping, with what? I have no idea. You're still you Shepard. The asari councilor was right: your doubts only prove it. I know you, and you're probably thinking how could you possibly make a difference? Maybe you're wondering if you'd be able to make the right choices, with your amnesia and all," what was he, a mind reader? "but hear me out: you're Commander Shepard. You had doubts back when we fought the collectors, back when we prepared to defeat the reapers, but you managed. You know why? Because you're capable of doubting yourself, and then get over it. And you've never, ever, let fear stop you from doing what you think is right, even if you don't know if it's the right answer. You've taught me a lot, Shepard. We all feel like imposters, but I suppose we're only imposters if we start believing we're actually invincible," he gave me his trademark turian smirk.

"When did you get so wise, Vakarian?"

"I learned from the best," he winked at me.

Only, I remembered, it was him who always kept me from losing my mind in my darkest hours, when I was most afraid. It was him, who got rid of all my fears, well, at least a quarter of them, sitting at the edge of my bed, hugging me tightly and telling me we'd survived a lot, and that time around the bullets just happened to be just a little bigger. That we were going to make it. And we did.

My omnitool bipped again, and so did Garrus'. We were being summoned.