New Moon

Memories that Haunt

"Blow out your birthday candles honey"

I blow out my candles like my mother says too and the once happy birthday scene changes into a memory that will never leave my mind...

"Celeste RUN!!!"

My dad telling me to run out the house, the men barging into our home, and the sight of blood that my dad couldn't protect me from quick enough.....
That night I camped in the woods but it didn't feel like an adventure and my mind kept racing with questions I couldn't ask aloud......

Whose blood was that? Where's dad? Where's Mom? Who were those men? What did they want?

I was just five but my world had been turned upside down.
I tried to pull myself out of the void of my mind but I was so far away and so worried, and so young that all I could do was worry until my parents found me.

Hours later the sun is almost gone, my parents find me, they are out of breath and, my dad has blood stains on his shirt, I can't help but look at them. I hear his questions, barely, the ringing in my ears has tuned him out and the blood is the only thing I see. He comes to hug me and everything is moving in slow motion, I stand up and back away.......I regret that, years later....... He looks hurt but he understands. My mom holds her breath and my dad waits for me to speak first, he was always patient.

I speak, i whisper, I ask....."Did you kill them?" He shakes his head "No honey, this is from defending myself, I promise" Words that carry weight are the one's you leave for last, that was he always said, and that's what he always practiced. "I promise"...... he promised...... he takes off the shirt and I see him without a cut or bruise, he waits for me and I hug him.

When we let go of our hug the scene changes and he is leaving for work, like he did every other day, but something is off. His hug is too long, his stance yells defeated, no choice, and "I'm sorry", That's not like him......when I look at his eyes they're too sad to be his and his goodbye seems too final, the air around us is strange but I'm the only one who feels it, dad looks at me....he knows I can feel it......what's going on? Where are you going? Dad please stay.....things I should've said, things I'll never get to tell him. He leaves out the door......and I never see him again.......

Pictures are all I can see, pictures of the wreck, the moon in the background, a reminder of his superstition, of his promise, of his goodbye. Uncle Griffin tries to take away the pictures but they are already burned into my mind and no amount of therapy or reassurance will erase them. There are things in those pictures that I will never forget. The cars, the moon, the blood.......

His funeral had a closed casket, step mother's way as usual. I wanted to see him like I did years ago, patient eyes and him with no cuts or bruises, and hear him promise that everything was ok and that he didn't do it. That he was my dad and I was his little girl but the casket is closed and he never makes his promise.

I walk away from his grave and the scene changes again to the BBQ from the weekend before he left, everyone is happy and laughing and everything is right. I find my dad to ask him a question I can't remember but when I find him, he has blood on his shirt and he tells me-

"Wake up"