Everything we never said

Chapter fifteen - Sorry?

"There's so much I want to tell you, there's so much I wish for you" Alexander whispers.

My head rolls and my mind spins, I've never felt so tired.

"You're so beautiful, you're just like your mama" he sighs and I hear a gentle kiss.

My heart skips a beat with panic, my baby?! Then just as quick I exhale, she's with her father, I hear Alexander walking softly around the room, I image him bouncing her in his arms.

"Your mama made a fool of me the second I saw her, those big doe eyes that can't decide on a colour. I remember laying there thinking an angel had walked through my door. Forgive me honey bee, it's going to kill me to leave you, but I can't stay..... I wish I could, more than anything in the world. Your mama and I want different things from each other, I can't be who she needs me to be. I can't be her friend" he whispers and my heart aches, I don't move, I can't.

"She needs me to be her friend, someone to talk to, someone to hold when she's scared and I can be that guy.... I can, but she wants me to pick out boyfriends and sleep in her bed.... she wants me to watch her fall in love with someone else. Now you, honey bee. You'll have someone else to call daddy, your mama will make a family and everyone will be happy. I can't watch that.... that's everything I want. I want to be the person she falls in love with, I want to be the person you tell your crazy stories to after school. I want to cook dinner with your mother.... I want to make love on the washing machine and fall asleep with her on my chest. I want brothers and sisters for you and I want to be the hand she holds as they come into the world. I want to be her everything because god knows she's mine. I want her to love me like I love her..... I was so stupid honey bee, I fell in love with my best friend" Alexander cries as he talks and I open my eyes.

He's holding her to his chest, Heather's little eyes are open and she watches him like she understands, her mouth opens into a yawn and her eyes close again. She looks so small wrapped in a pink blanket and little white hat, she's just a face but it's the most beautiful face I've ever seen.

In the arms of the man I love it's enough to break my heart.... and he loves me too?

"Xan....?" I whisper with a hoarse voice.

His head snaps up and so does a hand to wipe at his face.

"You're awake!" He forces a smile and walks towards the bed.
"Hmm" I nod. "I think so.... I could be dreaming" I mumble. "I dreamed we had a baby girl and you told her you loved me"
"We did have a baby girl, she's perfect. Such a good baby" he smiles and sits on the side of the bed to show me her face.
"You told me from the start, not interested. I tried so hard. I tried not to.... I never wanted a man.... just her" I sigh and close my eyes.

"Now you have her" he breathes.

"I tried not to... but I knew the second you walked out my door. I would have taken everything back, I would've died a virgin just to have you.... I never wanted a man, but I need you.... even that first night... I needed you. I have my daughter, I have my shop.... I have everything but you.... and it's not enough Alexander. You're my best friend, you're my strength and my independence.... you're my home.... my lover, the only one I want. I'm in love with you Alexander.... not interested.... I've heard it a hundred times, but my heart won't listen. I love you"

"Roni....." he groans. "I was talking to myself..... reminding myself you weren't thinking like me.... you didn't want me"
"But I did... I do. From the first smile I wanted you" I whisper and feel the tears leave my eyes.

"Even now? After every way I've hurt you?" He asks breathless and his hand trembles as it caresses my cheek.
"Always..... the way I love you.... there's no going back, there's no getting over you" I cry.