Everything we never said

Chapter nine - Thanks for the titty rub

Three days post Alexander and it's almost like he was never here, his smell is fading, it's harder to sleep and my body aches.

My heart is broken.

Food is tasteless and unappealing, work holds no interest and so far my only reason to leave my bed is for the bathroom.... maybe even that could be avoided?

I turn in my sleep, restless and nauseated. Hands caress my face as gentle as the summer breeze and with it comes the scent of flowers, I lean into the touch and soft lips meet mine.

I hold her body and kiss slowly.

"I've missed the taste of your lipstick" I whisper nuzzling her cheek.
"Just my lipstick?" Ruby whispers back.
"No, your neck too" I tell her as my lips travel down her jaw.
"Veronica? Look at me"

Her hands pull me back up and hold me at a distance. My eyes open and she's really here.

"Don't look at me like that" I swallow and a tear falls to my cheek.
"Tink was right. I thought she was just being dramatic" Ruby shakes her head.
"About how pathetic I am?"

"Oh sweetie" Ruby sighs and holds me tight.
"I'm sorry, she shouldn't have called you. You've moved on" I whisper ashamed.

"Hmm" she snorts and strokes my hair. "We're still friends, even if we're not. I still love you even though I shouldn't"
"Leigh shouldn't have the right to decide that"
"She's my girlfriend Roni, we've slept together... you know me intimately. That makes her insecure, I understand that" she tries to explain.
"As long as you're happy I guess" I sigh and nod.

"Don't worry about me, what about you? Tink said he came back around?" Ruby asks searching my face.
"No he didn't.... his fiancée dragged him into my shop so he could buy her flowers to celebrate their reunion. I've never seen him so scared" I roll my eyes but my voice gives me away.

"Oh.... he's getting married?" She asks cautiously.

"I don't know, he told me he called it off after I threw her out my door. He just came by to see if the kid was his" I shudder and start to cry.
"But you told him right sweetie? He knows?" Ruby screws up her face and strokes my hair.
"Yeah, I told him" I breathe.
"What did he say?"

"He asked if I was sure?" I scoff. "I promised him it was true.... he kissed my stomach and cried. He kissed me and held me so tight.... I was so sure we were making love, but he just fucked me and fucked me and kissed me till I lost my mind. He fucked me over and left me again. I'm breathless without him Ruby, my chest aches so hard I can't breathe in. I'm not enough.... I'll never be enough. Not for him, not for you.... how can I be enough for her?" I hold my arms across my stomach and sob.

"Oh Veronica no, sweetie no. I'm sorry he's a dick, I'm sorry, so sorry" she holds me tight and I cry into her neck.
"I don't know who I am now, I'm no one. I have no one. Why am I unlovable? Why did you leave me?" I gasp feeling utter despair and desperation.

"I told you it was Leigh, I told you I wanted to try again but I lied. I left because of him. He's the love of your life, but Baby girl you're mine. I'm in love with you Veronica, every perfect piece of you. I couldn't bare the way you love him, you'll never love me the same way. I left you to save my pathetic heart. Leigh and I... we're fine. We work, but you beautiful? You can set me on fire and burn me to ashes all in one day. You're dangerous for me" Ruby whispers and my breath stops.

I look at the pain in her eyes, it's like looking into a mirror.

"Ruby?" I mouth breathless.
"It's alright" she smiles through her tears and kisses my lips gently.

I want to kiss her back, to smash my mouth to hers and ease the pain but I know I would only make it worse.

"I love you, it's real love I know it is" I apologise.
"I know" she nods holding my face to hers. "But it's just not enough. You're not gay sweetie" she sniffles.
"I don't have to be, not when it comes to you. I hate those words.... gay, straight.... I'm neither and both. I love you, I love making love to you, kissing you. I love him, I love what he makes me feel when we're together. Whatever that makes me is fine, I am human and so are you. It's all the same" I shake my head.