It's Ashton Not Ashley

21.

~Luke's POV, trigger warning~

I groaned. It wasn't fair to me anymore that Ashton can hurt me when he felt like it, but the minute I would hurt him, he would get mad.

I sighed to myself as I laid down in my bed. Everything that I've done to Ashton ran through my head as I played back what I put him through. I only did it because I wanted him to feel what I felt, to not be loved or accepted by anyone. It went too far and I ended up hurting Ashton, more than I was ever hurt.

I teared up and rolled off the bed, making my way to my bathroom. I flicked the light switch on and locked the door, staring at myself in the mirror.

No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't think of anything positive to say about myself. I didn't see anything positive about me anymore. "Fucking psychopath," I muttered to myself as I dug around the medicine cabinet. "You don't deserve to even call yourself a person," I shouted and punched the mirror, crying out in pain when my knuckles started to bleed.

I couldn't take this guilt anymore.

I opened the bottle of the pills and took a handful of them.

I laid down on the floor, already getting dizzy. I shut my eyes as I thought about everything that's happened. My dad walking out because I'm gay, my mom being an alcoholic because I'm gay, and Ashton now afraid of me. But because I'm me, and he hates that most about me.

I curled up in a ball. I could feel the pills moving their way down to my stomach. I groaned as I closed my eyes for a minute.

----

When I woke up, I was in the hospital. My eyes wandered around the room. There was a bucket next to me that I had used to empty my stomach contents out.

Michael walked into the room with a drink in his hand. He put the water bottle down on the table beside me and hugged me. "You're awake!"

I winced and nodded, my heavy eyes wishing for sleep.

"I'm s-sorry," he said and pulled away from the hug. "I just got s-so scared and I didn't want to l-lose you." Tears formed in his eyes.

"Hey, hey. I'm okay now," I said looking up at him. He wiped his tears away and nodded.
"Why did you do it?"

"Do what?" I asked, shifting my weight to the other side of me.
"You know what I mean."

I sighed, looking down at my chest. "I can't live with this guilt anymore, Michael. Everyday, I hate myself because I hurt Ashton and I can't do this anymore!" I shouted at him, causing him to whimper and back away from me.

"Maybe you should take a break from Ashton, work on yourself. You obviously need time to think."

I shook my head quickly. "I need to apologize, so he knows I'm sorry for trying to hurt him again. Yesterday, he thought that I was just saying that I was sorry and completely flipped the fuck out." I sat up, a pain shooting through my stomach.

"Luke! Sit down!" Michael said and pushed me onto the bed again. "You're in pain. Recover first."

"No. There's no time."

"You just tried to kill yourself!"

"I-I didn't try to kill myself. Yes, I was having suicidal thoughts at that moment. I was doubting myself and blamed everything on me. It may seem like suicide, but I seriously didn't try to kill myself. I only took a couple of pills to try and relax, to sleep my way through the guilt and I guess that I had taken one too many pills and passed out," I explained, my lip quivering because I still felt awful about the whole thing.

"Relax," Michael said. "You're going to give yourself a heart attack."

"Michael, I have to apologize. What if its too late?"

"It's not. He's actually with Calum, hanging out." Michael's face went from happy to quiet when he said Calum's name.

"What's wrong?" I looked at him and asked.

"Calum told me something at school yesterday. He said that when he was at Ashton's house, they were talking and they kissed... more than once," he was holding back tears as he explained to me what happened. "Apparently, it didn't mean anything though. He said that he wanted to show Ashton that he loved him. Ashton pushed him away, saying that Calum belongs with me. But I don't know what to do, Luke. I really don't. He's my first love."

I wrapped my arms around Michael. "When you two are together, what does it feel like?"

"I don't know. It feels like we are happy. When I touch him, I feel electricity run through me, makes me feel alive."

I smiled a little. "Don't break up with him. You seem to really love him."

"I do, but he kissed Ashton."

"And Ashton didn't want it. Calum seems confused in my opinion. Give him some time to come around or talk to him about how you felt when he told you what happened. You're both in love with one another. You don't want to lose that. You should be lucky you're in love."

"I'll try to forgive him, I guess," Michael said and kissed my cheek. "I mean, he used to love Ashton so maybe he's not completely over that. But I'm not kissing him for a while."

----
~ a month later~

I was still in a lot of pain from taking the pills, but I didn't let that in my way of academics. If I wanted Ashton to forgive me, I would have to work hard for his forgiveness. I had dropped all the bad people that I was hanging out with and kept all the good influences, like Michael.

I stopped dressing like my personality. I no longer wore all black, but started to add more color to my wardrobe. It was no longer just band tees and skinny jeans, it was tee shirts and jeans, or dress pants and a button up.

For that whole month, I had cut Ashton out entirely and worked on myself, my attitude.

He seemed to have been happier without me. Him and Calum had became less affectionate and more of just friends.

I walked into the school building with a bouquet of red tulips and yellow daffodils. I could feel everyone's eyes on me, but I ignored them as I went up to Ashton's locker. "Hi!"

Ashton jumped a little and accidentally slammed his locker. "Hi?" Ashton looked at me, confused. "What's up?" He asked, eyes parting over to my flat hair. It wasn't quiffed today which must of been unusual for Ashton to see.

"So, it's now March. Spring break is coming up soon and I got you something," I replied, keeping the flowers hidden behind my back.

He nodded as I handed him the flowers. "A while back, you had told me your favorite type of flowers were these. You said that they were really pretty and that you liked to smell the morning dew on them. You also said that you liked the red and yellow ones because they show happiness and love."

Ashton tried to hide a smile as he read the note attached to the flowers.

I saw these and instantly thought of you. Enjoy your flowers, I'm sorry. Xx

Ashton just looked at me. "Thank you," he said quietly.

I nodded and hugged him slowly. He accepted it with hesitation.

"I'm sorry," I replied again.

"I know," he said quietly and opened his locker again, stuffing the flowers inside it. He shut his locker and walked away, not looking at me.

Here's chapter 21! I'm in an updating mood! Enjoy this chapter because there's only 7 chapters left. Vote and comment what you thought about this chapter!

Word count: 1,330