It's Ashton Not Ashley

2.

**Trigger Warning?**

I woke up around noon on Saturday due to my dad yelling at me from downstairs. Drunk? Maybe. He was always drunk around this time on weekends. But he was pissed and that was never a good thing with my dad.

I climbed out of bed and slipped on some shorts and walked downstairs.

"Dad, why are you yelling? What did I do?" I approached him and I smelt alcohol under his breath. It was a very heavy smell meaning he was heavily drinking already. Dad's been drinking ever since my mom died. I couldn't remember her since I was too young, but dad always told me she died in a car crash.

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I don't remember much of what he told me, but I know I was seven at least and it was raining. He was late for picking me up from school and when he did get to the school, I was soaking wet and he was trying to not cry. "Ashley, mommy's in the hospital," he told me. "Come on, let's go see her," he helped me into the car and he drove silently to the hospital, ignoring all the questions I had. When we were at the hospital, he parked the car and carried me into her room. I remember her long, brown hair flowing below her shoulders and the way she looked under all those machines hooked up to her. It was scary for a seven-year-old to see, especially when that person in the machines is your mom. I heard my mom's sweet voice speak to me one last time, very quietly. "I-I love you Ash," it was a quiet whisper, but enough for me to hear as her breathing got lighter. Her heart monitor beeped telling us that she was no longer with us and that God took her into Heaven. That's what I used to believe anyways. Life turned to shit since then.

"Ashley?" I felt a strong grip on my wrist which caused me to snap out of my daze. "Yeah?"

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My dad slapped me across the face hard. "Your mother is dead! Stop crying out for her!" He slapped me again, only harder. My face stung and I knew it was going to be a big bruise later. Tears sprang from my eyes, but I quickly wiped them away with my sleeves.

"I wasn't calling for her," I sputtered out.

"You best as hell weren't, her name shouldn't leave your mouth ever. Fucking devil she was," my dad slurred as he took another swig from his beer.

"You look so much like her Ashley. You have her hair, her big, beautiful, hazel eyes. You have her smile," my dad looked at me with a perverse grin. He pulled me close. "I remember when you were younger and you let me do this to put you to sleep," he rubbed his hands up and down my back. I knew what he was doing.

My breath got heavy as he reached for what he thought was my bra clasp; I pulled away. "No, not today," I said quietly and I started to panic as my dad started to unwrap the ace bandage. "No," I said again with a more outraged tone and pushed him aside. I put on my jacket, I felt really violated and I started to cry as I started walking. I don't know where to, but I needed to clear my mind.

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I was out of breath and a sobbing mess. But I didn't stop for anything.

I ended up at the store and I went in to cool off, so I got a water and worked my way up the isle self consciously. I went to the check out and put the water bottle on the checkout counter. I looked down at my feet.

"Hi, did you find everything today?"

I nodded as I placed a pack of gum on the counter as well. "That will be $2.99," the cashier said and it wasn't until then when I recognized the voice. I looked up as he spoke again.

"Luke! What're you doing here?" I asked him as I paid for the drink and gum like it wasn't obvious he was working.

"I'm just checking you out," he replied and winked at me.

"Oh, nice pickup line," I giggled as he bagged my items.

"That wasn't a pickup line... I was literally checking you out," Luke said and pointed to the counter. I frowned a little and adjusted my beanie. "Anyways, what's up Ashton?" he asked and stared at my eyes.

I probably looked like a mess and on drugs, so I quickly shrugged and walked out of the store. I mean, compared to me, Luke was gorgeous. I know that I shouldn't be feeling this way about boys. I liked girls, but Luke just couldn't leave my mind at all. Especially in that uniform, the red polo shirt and khaki pants. Just looking at Luke made me feel safe and happy.

I smiled to myself as I walked home, thinking about Luke as I showered.

I thought about Luke as I was getting dressed and I thought about him some more as my dad went out to get dinner. I thought about him, and I was alone. I smiled to myself as I laid down on my bed. I was getting really horny thinking about Luke taking a shower or Luke kissing my bare shoulders, but I have never actually done anything before so I was new to this feeling building up in my stomach. Why was I getting turned on to this? Luke is a boy.

Everyone makes a big deal over sex, but I never felt like it was necessary and I never knew the big idea over it. But I'll admit. I was curious and I had every right to be. Everyone in school seemed to talk about who did it with who, but to me, that didn't matter. You like the gender you like and there really isn't much to do about who you fall in love with. I plugged my earbuds into my phone and looked up a simple word in Google; sex. I knew what sex was, I knew how it worked.

I clicked on one of the videos that popped up and turned my volume up. It just happened to be guys fucking each other. I was going to turn it off, but I watched it a for a few more minutes. Man, it was hot, and I actually am not attracted to boys at all.

I unbuttoned my shorts and slid my hand down my boxers as I let the video play.

I rubbed myself to the tempo of the video, moaning quietly. As I rubbed myself, this pit built up in my stomach and I was sweating, a lot, breathing heavily. My arm was tired, but I couldn't stop, it felt so good.

"Wow," I smiled to myself as I finished coming down from my high. I thought to myself for a moment, but realized I needed to get something straight, and that is that I am not. Unless Luke suddenly decides he's gay, which is more than likely to never happen, so I guess you can say that I'm all bi myself.

Hey guys.

I'm so sorry that this chapter has taken awhile to write and publish. I needed time to find myself because I was lost, confused and I don't think Wattpad would've helped me. For like 5 weeks now I have been struggling with gender identity and who I am, and just last night I figured out I'm trans and then my boyfriend broke up with me when I told him. But it's understandable. Not everyone is gay, bi, pan, whatever they are and I have to learn that there will be people who disapprove and some who accept you for you. You have to take the negatives in this and cut them out, just listen to the people who accept you, love you no matter what.

So anyways, here is chapter 2 and I'm so sorry if it sucks. All I can say is thank you to the ones who do support me and love me still, and for sticking by me in these tough times. Enjoy chapter 2 and I am so sorry that it's a bit shorter than the last one,

I love you all and stay strong. Remember, you can always DM me if you need someone to talk to.

Please vote and comment and leave feedback, I love hearing from you.

-Alex

Word count: 1,437