FALLEN (NOW PUBLISHED ON AMAZON)

43.

I wake up after the most restless night I have had in a long time.  I try to stay in bed the longer that I can, but I just can't.  My thoughts are too loud for me to lay still.  I turn on my side and take a few moments to gaze at Marcel sleeping next to me.  His eyebrows are relaxed and not as furrowed as they were last night, or as they always seem to be.  I notice how long and dark his lashes are.  They flutter very quickly in his sleep and he pouts slightly his lips.  They are a gorgeous shade of dark pink.  They are the pulpiest they've ever been.  His cheeks seem to be blushed as well, making his cheekbone look bigger and so damn attractive.

It takes everything in me not to lean in and consume the fruit of my love for him.  It strikes me how deeply I feel for him in this very moment, even after all he's done...  I can't help it.  I love him so hard my body reacts to the simplest things.  Just looking at him sleep makes my heart race in my chest.  My lips are tickling at the idea of kissing him.  I seem to breathe heavier as well.  I try to stop as soon as I realise it.  This is crazy...

I get out of bed as silently as I can to not wake Marcel sleeping so peacefully.  I get out of the room and go to the bathroom for a moment.  I feel weirdly energised for this very early hour.  I walk back to the room with the strangest idea to go for a run.  I need the fresh air.  I need to shake off all the drama that happened yesterday.

Once I'm dressed with the yoga clothes I used to wear maybe three times a year when Ronnie was convincing me to go to her yoga classes with her, I leave the flat with my cellphone to listen to some music as I run.  The day hasn't fully risen yet.  The sky is a beautiful shade of purple turning into pink.  The air is smoothly cold, but warm enough to be very comfortable.  I start to jog on my street and head to the overpass in front of the Staycity Apartments I stayed at on my very first night in London.  I keep a good pace until I'm at ASDA and I'm already out of breath.  I take this time to slow down, walk and think.

Yesterday, I learned that Edith didn't think I had it in me to be an author.  She thinks I am just a one-hit-wonder and that is it.  I feel terribly hurt that she thinks so.  But it makes me question my contract.  If she doesn't believe in me enough to write a second story worth of being published at Wright Books, it must mean that I am not bound to publish another story under their name.  I am a free bird after I've toured my book in their partnered librairies.  I will be free to date Marcel freely as well.

I have also learned yesterday that Marcel has been having an affair with Kate for years.  It was even more than that, he was blindly in love with her.  He is still partially blinded by her and that scares me.  The length of how far she is willing to go to manipulate him terrifies me even more.  I don't trust her and whatever thought she might put or have already put in Marcel's mind.  He is a fully grown man, but with her, it's still as naive as that fifteen year-old boy that was looking for a friend when his father died.  I think as long as he won't have grieved his father correctly, he will still hang on to her.

Lastly, yesterday, I learned that her control over my boyfriend was stronger than my presence.  I find that inacceptable.  He clearly understood that and I believe him after everything he has admitted to me.  The problem remains her.  I don't think what he stands for or who he is matters to her.  She proved it to me, she doesn't care.  On the contrary, she has changed him for most of his adult life.  She wants him for some reason and she digs her claws deep into him.  As people in the dungeon play freely with each other without commitment, she is sure as hell committing to keep Marcel from me.     

"ARGH!"  I let out aloud in the middle of the street, completely overwhelmed with too many emotions that it knackers me more than the run itself.

I look around for a seat as I feel the tears coming to my eyes from exhaustion.  I find one in the bus stop in front of ASDA and make my way to it when my phone rings.  It makes me so happy to see my brother's name on my screen.  It changes my mood entirely.