FALLEN (NOW PUBLISHED ON AMAZON)

24.

I can't believe how blind I have been.  I threw myself into a relationship, whatever it was, without even caring about all the warning signs I was crossing.  I feel so betrayed, blindsided and hurt.  I know that's who he is.  I know he doesn't trust people easily and that he is too fucking cold and guarded, so I get his response, but to be shutting me out entirely?  That I don't get.

It was going so good.  He told me so many things.  I thought he trusted me.  I don't know what went through his mind last night, but it hurt me.  He said he knew too little about me.  Then, he should have asked.  I was always the only one asking questions and he never did.  He should have.  He made and still makes me feel bad because I cared, I wanted to know more about him.  Shame on me.  I have learned my lesson to trust too easily.  He just broke a part of my innocence.

At that moment, as the taxi is driving me to my parents' house in Manchester, I think of Steeve.  I wasn't even that hurt when I found out that he had been cheating on me.  I never asked questions.  I dealt with it because I thought it was in my favour, that it would be easier to leave him.  Now I realise that I don't know to what extent my relationship with him was set up, wrong and I didn't have a clue about it.  Maybe he was happy that I got that publishing deal in London only because he could sleep around as he wanted without my knowing.  It's like I have been betrayed by all the men that ever meant something in my life.  And as short as Marcel has been a part of it, he made more impact than anyone.  If only I could have felt something like I do with him with a good guy.  Why didn't Ash make me feel like Marcel makes me feel?  Ash is kind and so easy to be with.  My heart seems to always want to play with fire and I got burnt.  It stings a hell of a lot.

What is happening to me?  A little more than a month ago, I had my life all figured out.  I was exactly where I wanted to be in life.  I was manipulated and blind, but at least I was satisfied and somewhat happy.  I didn't know any better then.

I hate them.  I hate them all.  I am so angry to have cared that much.  I told Marcel upfront how I care and let myself feel everything so deeply, because that's the way I am.  I fucking changed the contract to be with him because of how much I trusted him.  It was more than trust though, it was faith.  I believed in him and his passion for my story.  He destroyed it all.  I don't doubt that he will still do a great job on my story regardless of the status of our relationship.  If it had been up to him, we wouldn't even have been friends.  I wanted that.  Again, I should not care as much in the future.  I just need to wrap my head around the fact that what has happened between us was great, outstanding even, and even though it's over, it happened, but he can't expect something else from me than the cold and guarded attitude he has always had and has shown me last night.

I pay the taxi and get out with my luggage.  I stand in front of my parents' house for the first time in months.  I have never been here alone in years.  I didn't even call.  I should have.  I shouldn't have let my parents down like that. 

The taxi is now gone and I look around me in the driveway.  Their cars have changed.  I don't even know which one is whose.  It makes me sad and my eyes starts to tickle with tears.  I see four cars so I know my brothers are there and it's enough to bring a smile to my lips and give me the courage to go inside.

I walk my way to the front door like I have done all my childhood, but somehow it feels uncommon.  I stand awkwardly in front of the door, looking at it without doing anything.  Do I knock?  Do I get in?  What do I do?

I sigh deeply and put my cold and shaky hand to the metal handle.  I turn the knob and I feel instantly to warm and inviting air floating inside of the house.  I feel immediately at home.  I feel the love inside these walls.  I feel all the wonderful memories I have with my family.  I feel protected, just like I felt when I was coming back from school after being bullied all day.