My Last Suicide Attempt

getting home

I hate buses, all the people around me it feel like they are suffocating me.

I can never seem to escape but I have to endure it because my dad is working once again and my mom cannot drive. Once I walk in the door, she will probably be asleep and my dad will be working so I will go to room for the rest of the night then wake up and go to school. Who knows maybe I will actually get driven to school or maybe my dad will start work early again and I will have to take busses to school once again. The 21 finally got to the stop and I walked across the street to catch the 14 or 15 whichever came first.

I stand there and wait. I see people glance at me and look away continuing their conversation. Sometimes I consider going mute until I die. The day is set and I am getting anxious and excited?

The 14 arrived first so I hop on, flash my buss pass and clamber to the back doors and waited for my stop.

I'm glad the 14 did one of the short rides so it didn't take me long to get to my house.

My house was actually pretty big. We have been living in it for almost two years now. It's been a decent amount of time, although we would be moving out in just over a years’ time...

You see we move around a lot from house to house. The longest we stayed in a house was five years and then was when I was little. I don’t remember much of that house. It was one of the better ones we've lived in. We then moved to St. James where we stayed in a house there for almost four years then moved once again, to a house two streets down for less than a year. And here we are living in this house downtown. It's not the best area but it's all we could really find... even before I could remember we moved a lot then to and settle down in Brooklands for those five years.

I grabbed my keys out of my bag and slowly and quietly unlocked the door and crept in, hoping not to rouse the dogs or wake my, most likely asleep, mom. I kind of hope she is asleep, I hate lying to her.

When she is awake she asks me how my day is, so I usually make up some stupid story that is so believable. Then grab something to eat then head off to my room. The only time I really eat anymore is when my mom is awake so that she thinks I feed myself.

Recently she has been a lot less active. I feel like in some ways she’s dying but I am too scared to really ask or to even know.

When I did get in the door she was up, so I made up some stupid story about me and Natasha and added in a comment about something we learned in history. I don't even know what the teacher said today in history.

Then I went off to the kitchen and made myself a sandwich and climbed up the stairs to my room not even bothering to go to the basement to see my dad.

I never bother with it anymore, I love my dad and I miss him so, so much

I never get to really talk to him or see him anymore.

The only time he spends time with me is when my mom tells him too. When I found that out it hurt a lot to know that he only spent time with me because my mom told him to.

I mean I love him to pieces and I love spending time with him but the fact that he's always too busy working and my mom has to tell him to spend time with men made me stop putting the effort in and just go to my room.

I used to find relief in writing and playing my guitar and singing, but now my guitar is more just a thing I play when my mother is awake to make her think, I am just doing it to practice because it's something I like to do.

Ever since my sister moved out things have been easier on me but I seldom ever leave my room, I hate to.

I took my razor from its place in my closet and sat on my bed and sliced my skin

Once for the cruel words.

Once for my dad.

Once for my mom.

Once for being a fuck up.

A few more just because of how badly I want to.

Taking the gauze, I grabbed I wrapped it up and curled myself into my blankets and cried

I always cry myself to sleep at night, there’s no other way to sleep if I don't.

Sometimes the crying doesn't even help me.

I have a feeling tonight will be another long sleepless night.

I can't wait till that day....