My Last Suicide Attempt

Presentation

I thought everything would go fine doing the presentations. I am next and I’m, like, freaking out. I am scared of what they will say and how they are looking at me.

I slip my hand into my pocket where I have my notes placed and it gives me a sense of relief because I know that I am going to be okay. I have my escape.

The girl who just finished her presentation was new this year. I didn't pick up on her name. I didn't really care to be honest. Her childhood presentation was cookie cutter boring and plain. The smile she wore while she did the presentation is the same smile that I am wearing right now and have been for the past few years. There's something she is hiding. Everybody hides something but I have feeling that her something is bigger than most people’s. The teacher called me up.

I numbly walked to the front of the room and took a deep breath. I plugged in the USB and had my poster placed beside me for when I was done to spec along with the power point. I looked out at everybody who stared at me.

I could see some people in the background staring at me. I hate the control for the screen in my head so I started in on the beginning page that said

'My oh so uneventful childhood is revealed.'

I know it's such a contradiction but I couldn't help it. I took a deep breath as I hit the button for the next screen my name and birthday popped up on the screen "Hi everyone. My name is Katania (cat-tan-ya) Ferrato (fair-auto). My childhood was different than most and I am going to tell you some it here today." I looked at all of them and they gave me stupid looks because usually I would just whisper everything or not give a damn but my voice came out strong, loud and clear. The teacher was looking at me intently so I continued pressing the button of the power point to the next slide which was just a collage of pictures of me in my childhood.

"One thing I want to say to start off it that everything I am about to say is one hundred percent true and extremely hard for me to say." I looked at the girl who was up just before me and this must have sparked her interest because she stopped doodling, actually everybody's eyes were on my by the time I delivered my second sentence. I smiled a real smile at the girl when I said the next part

 "I was going to do just a stupid cookie cutter untruthful presentation and stuff but I decided to do the truth. So here I go..." I started getting nervous and took in a shaky breath. I clicked the power point to the next screen which was pictures of all the houses I have lived in.

"My family moved around a lot and we still do, it really annoys me. I loved my Mom, Dad and two of my 5 sisters, Michelle who is now 26 and Rachel who is 20." I clicked through a variety of photos labelling who they were and stuff. I saw a girl at the back roll her eyes at me. I wanted to laugh because she would be in for a surprise soon enough, they all were. "My mom was a stay at home mom with an injury that left her sick and she progressively gets worse. Now she just lies on the couch all day in pain and tries to sleep." This caught the girl at the back of the room's attention the look she gave me was like ‘Please that all’.

"My dad is a workaholic, he never stops. The only times he spends time with me is when my mom forced him to. I never found out about that till this year. It broke my heart." I had pictures of Dad working and statistics of how many parents work too much and miss seeing their child growing up.

"My sister, Michelle, got pregnant at 15 and had a child at 16 she moved to Momma Way so that she could learn how to be a mother and still be able to go to school and graduate, which she did and she now goes to university to become a teacher and has two sons." I put up pictures of all of them and I added, "She works her hardest to give them everything she can." I smiled again before I continued "Rachel is one of my sisters. She and I had a very different relationship. She would talk good things about me to everybody but when it came to talking to me, she would threaten to tell people that I was stupid and worthless and that I was fat and ugly. It hurt a lot to know that my own sister wished I was dead. When I was four she pushed me down the stairs and I was hospitalized. When I was six she beat me up, this time we both hid it. She never touched me again for a while but the verbal abuse and mental abuse got harder to take. At age thirteen she held a knife to me, luckily for me she didn't do anything more. That’s one of my biggest memories of her." I had statistics, quotes and pictures on the screen going slowly by and I spoke loud and clear. I also made sure to take my time so everybody could read the things on the screen and catch my words. I was very nervous about saying the next part. I think everybody in the room saw my body tense up at this time. The teacher gave me a worried look at the class looked shocked. I knew everybody could see my scars "At age seven I had a babysitter, he seemed really nice he would watch me and my sister. One day he was only watching me because my sister was at her friend's house. That day was the first day my babysitter molested me. I kept quiet because he threatened me. It happened four times after that and nobody has found out until now." I knew my voice shook quite a bit while I said yes. I had more statistics and facts about child molestation on the screen. I could feel tears starting to form in my eyes. I refused to shed them yet gain back control I continued "throughout the ages of eight and nine my Uncle Vern and Aunty Anne died. I was very close to them. At age 10 in the beginning of March I left for Edmonton because my grandpa was sick because his cancer had spread. The person I was closest to in my family was my grandpa. We were there till beginning of April. He passed away March 28th 2007 around 3:00AM. I picked out the gravestone. I was the shoulder my grandma and Rachel cried on. I didn't shed a tear at the funeral. I had to be strong. In my mind, I had to be there for other people and help them first. It’s what my grandpa always told me, is that I should be strong. We went to go see him in is casket when it was open held my dad’s hand. I remember every single detail of that room. It was burned into memory and it still scares me almost six years later." I had so many pictures for that, I even turned around and watched it all flash by the screen. I knew there were now streaming down my face but for once I wasn't afraid to cry. I had just one last thing on the screen a picture of me with most my scars showing and the words 'you’re not alone' overlapping it. "There's so much behind every person that nobody ever sees because if it's one thing we learn, is to hide it." I looked back at the girl who did her presentation before me and gave her a knowing smile. She looked down and I didn't miss the tear that fell from her face.

"Something I've learned during this project is that if you can share your story and effect even one person to get out of a situation, it can save a life." The teacher looked at me like I was some sort of role model. I softened my voice...

"If there is anybody who has been through anything like I have or is even just being bullied, well what I want to say is that I am always here for you and you can talk to me no matter what or talk to somebody at least." I looked down and shut off the power point.

I picked up my poster and put it on the bored. I looked at the teacher.

"If you want to look at it you can just stand up and take a look."

All of the class stood up to look at it once, even the teacher, then sat back down, I was scared for the last part... questions.

"Well that's pretty much it. Is there any questions?"

Devon put his hand up and I nodded "Is that why you cut yourself?"

"Sort of, well you know, it played its part but what really got me started was the bullying. How I couldn't stand up from my friend without everybody putting my down." my voice stayed strong the whole time.

Many questions were asked the teacher didn't say anything about how off topic they were or anything. One thing I did notice is how she picked up my essay and started looking through it. The bell finally rang letting my grab my stuff. The teacher stopped me again.

"That was really brave of you." she looked at me

"I think I might be shaking," I said nervously "Thanks, it was pretty hard,"

"Most people can't even come up with the courage to tell people that their parents are never there for them and you had enough to tell all of that."

"I know."

"I read over your essay,"

I gulped not knowing what to expect I must have looked pretty scarred because she immediately said,

"Don't worry, it was really well written. I mean it was extremely hard to read, but you put a lot of thought into this. So why?"

"There was just something there in the back of my mind telling me to get my story out. I took this as the opportunity. It felt really good to finally speak my mind."

"You really never told anybody before. I shook my head she sighed "Okay, well you can go. I don't need to hold you up any longer.

I nodded and walked out of her classroom. Right now all I craved was my bed and my blade. I was walking to the doors to go meet my dad he was picking me up again, when the girl who did her presentation before me walked up to me. I smiled at her

"Hi?"

"Ericka Shane,"

"Sorry, I didn't quite catch it during your presentation."

"That’s okay, can we um," she looked away "talk,"

"Sure."

I lead her to the front foyer knowing that everybody would be gone by now. She told me about her dad and how he abused her. I did my research and knew what to tell her. I gave her my number so she could tell me how everything went. I walked to the bus loop getting into the truck mutter an apology for running so late. He asked why so I just told him the last presentation took a little longer then expected. He just nodded his head and said okay, driving us back home while I played music.

I went to my room and collapsed onto my bed.

I must have fallen asleep because I was awoken by sirens. I looked out my window. They were in front of my house. I got up and walked cautiously downstairs, hoping and praying it wasn't my mom. I could hear voices. My heart dropped when I saw my dad talking to the paramedic with tears falling down his face. He said we'll be right behind you guys when he saw me come into view. Wordlessly, I grabbed my shoes and my phone and made my way to the door with my dad

The drive was quiet and tense, I was scared. I knew I had to postpone it.