My Last Suicide Attempt

weeks of pain

School goes by drowsily. I don't even know why I bother showing up anymore. I am constantly getting in trouble and never doing my work. My friends talk to me and I talk back but I barely register what any of us say anymore.

It’s just endless weeks of torture in this school.

I think that people are noticing me going down.

I think they notice because there are more cuts than ever and I don't respond properly to do anything. I don't eat; I just go through the day waiting for it to end to go home.

Mid terms are coming up, I don’t want them to but they have to. I don't think I'll pass anything but I might because somehow I am managing to keep my grade in the 60's

I still show up every day and every day the teacher and my friends ask me if I'm okay. I try to hide the pain as best as I can and I am getting better at it.

They hardly ask anymore.

You see I have this fake smiled programmed on my face and I learnt the right laugh for the appropriate times to laugh even though nothing seems funny anymore.

I go through all these days pretending I'm getting better.

It's not the only thing I'm hiding though.

I have been getting sick but I am not going to tell anyone.

I don't remember when it started but it is getting worse.

I get dizzy a lot more now and I almost faint more, sometimes I do faint.

It’s gets scaring but I don't want to do anything about it.

I remember it being there ever since I was in middle school and it has been getting progressively worse. In the bottom of my sad heart, I hope that I will die.

But I always know that it will just land me in the hospital although I kind of hope they keep me there for weeks so I have an excuse to shed my stupid fake smile that I practice oh, so well.

I don't want to pretend to be happy.

I started covering my scars again.

I don't want people to notice.

I haven't told my parents about the cutting or anything. I am better at acting at home because I have been doing for even longer.

Home is a living hell even though my parents are amazing in their own ways but they hurt me so much without knowing it. It gets kind of hard but I learnt to deal with it. I learnt to pretend to say the right things and do the right thing to make everything seem like its fine.

The pain I don't even know if it's there anymore sometimes. I think I am just so used to it that I don't notice it.

I feel numb in so many ways imaginable that it scared me to death.

Is somebody supposed to feel numb after being so depressed for so long? I'm not sure if anybody really knows how depressed I am.

After all this torture at school I have a final project we have to reflect on out childhood. That scares me.

It scares me because I don't have anything good to say about my childhood. I was thinking about telling the truth but I am too scared. I think I know the day I am going to kill myself. I have been wanting to for quite a long time now. I think I should do it. I am ready. I will write the truth and present the truth. Then I will go home and do it. I have the note written, I just have to do it but how. I don't even know how yet.

The last bell for school rings and I get a text from my dad saying he is still working and I have to take the bus again.

It’s been a lot more frequent that I have been taking the bus home. I have to take two buses and it takes over an hour. They don't want me to switch to a closer school because my school is such a 'good' school, that one of the biggest lies out there.

I wish I could leave this hell hole behind once and for all.