My Last Suicide Attempt

Playing the waiting game

My mom got home yesterday, its Sunday so I have to go to school tomorrow, sort of. I don't think I can wait another day like this, feeling so empty and alone. Nobody is ever there for me anymore.

I stopped eating. I can barley stand the thought of putting anything in my body except alcohol and drugs. Maybe a few pills.

There is this constant thought at the back of my head nagging me to just do it already. I know I am ready but I have to wait. Wait until she’s okay. She just lays there and sleeps. I'm not sure if I even want to wait anymore. I just want to go ahead and kill myself already. I tired of waiting. I'm tired of the pain. I'm sick of it and I want it to end. It’s an endless cycle between bad and worse, it never lets up.

It takes a toll on me.

I don't want to be here anymore. Nobody should have to be here on this place and feel this bad, this worthless and this pain. The pain that sticks like glue and grows and grows. It leaves me feeling numb, detached from my body like I am not even the one doing all the actions anymore.

Groaning I flipped over and checked the time 11:30 PM.

You know what, I'm not waiting anymore.

I'm going to do it.

I put my note in the middle of my spotless floor, grabbed my shoes and walked out the door. Nobody noticed me leaving. Then again why would they? I am invisible aren't I?

I started walking down the near empty streets. I could hear fighting coming from the yellow house near the end of my street.

I could hear the usual blast of music blaring from house on the corner as everybody there drank.

I pulled my hood up and started walking towards portage.

It seemed like it took forever to get there. That wasn't even half ways. It’s the place I plan to die. I know I will hurt so many people by doing this but in a way I have to because all this pain is too much for one person to handle.

Nobody notices it. I plea for help and they just push it aside and ignore me.

It’s infuriating every time somebody talks to me and I can see in there eyes they want to ask what’s wrong but they never do and just try to carry on a normal conversation.

I wanted help, I wanted to get better but I am too far gone.

I made it to the mall which is about half ways now. Getting closer and closer into a 'safer' area

I lived in two different places in this 'safer' area called St. James. I hated living in St. James; I don't really know why I did. I just did.

Walking past all the familiar places,

Kings.... 7-11... one of my old houses... Tim Hortons... My school... subway.... Sargent Sunday…

Turning into the park, I walked down the path until I made it to the bench by the water to calm myself and think just one last time.

My mind didn't race like it normally did, just slowly crept by thinking of all the good times and all the bad. I stared out at the water and remember the first time I thought about suicide.

It was at the Forks, I was alone sitting by the water. It was night and a little bit chilly. My friends were listening to the Christen music.

I could faintly hear the music playing in the background.

I think, I think that it was that day where I had actually subconsciously made a plan to die by jumping.

I washed as the waves flowed by endlessly. It must have been hours I was sitting there because it was not pitch black. I am guessing around 2AM.

I didn't bring my phone with me. Why would I.

I got up and walked to the centre of the bridge and leaned across the edge, letting the crisp, September air blow through my black hair. It's naturally brown but somebody told me to dye it black so I did. I preferred it anyway.

I climbed up onto the edge and sat there for a while dangling my now bare feet. I smiled, so this is it, this is finally the end.

"Don't jump." a male voice said behind me. I looked at him. He was hot, I can't deny that. I just looked down. I can see everything that I want down there. My freedom, my release, my escape and my happiness.

"Don't do it."

"Why the hell not?" I said harshly.

"Because whatever in your life seems to be so bad isn't worth killing yourself over." he walked closer to me I could see in the moonlight that he had dark green eyes and brown hair that seemed to be prefect. His face was perfectly sculpted. He grabbed my hand "I would hate to see somebody as beautiful as you kill themselves."

I couldn’t help but laugh at that. I know what I am and one of them sure as hell is NOT beautiful. I stood up and looked out at the water and took a step forward.