Letters To The World--AS ABOVE SO BELOW

Speechless

I'm speechless, staring at you lying down in that bed, what it's doing to me ain't a secret, 'cause watching you is all that i can do...and I'm speechless. 🎶🎵🎶🎵🎶😢

*Taken from the tune of the song "Speechless" by Dan + Shay

Probably I never had gotten the right chances to get to you better as I am exposed to the reality little by little in this teenage years of mine. The people I'm used to be with are my parents as my guardians, then some people whom I barely knew and then nothing more. I never had gotten the chance to open up my eyes, to conquer the wrong, and to face you without having any second thoughts. I never had gotten the chance to show you my love as one of your grand daughters. You may have encountered my childhood self in a way that you had taken care of me, you had played with me, you had fetched me from school, you had lent me your old cellphone having my favorite game entitled "Bobby Carrot", you had made my childhood memorable. Unfortunately I only remember some memories because I'm a forgetful person, and I was never given the chance to meet and bond with you again ever since you had the hardest time in your life, when you had your stroke.

I'm not making this because I wanted to brag to the world about your sickness. I'm making this because this is all what I feel wherein this is just what I can do in return for all those years that I never visited you and my grandmother, and also I wanted to make this as a memorable moment in my life with the other members of my family. Ever since I found out that you had stroke, I know that half of your body was paralyzed and I badly want you to be healed so that I can see the jolly grandfather whom I had seen during my childhood. I wished that you can still visit my mom when she is alone because I'm with my dad, and jokingly try to do cigarette smoking in her clinic for her to see you smile again that make you laugh. I wish that you can go visit me and my dad with my grandmother for you to see the magnificent place where we are staying. Oh wait, I guess I am all hallucinating having these childhood mindsets, because I know that when I was a child, everything was amazing, everything was happy, everything is colorful, and everything was still complete. But then as i age, I realize that being here on earth for long, things are changing, people are growing, memories are fading, and happenings are happening.

Everyone knows how messed up my family is, including you. Therefore, I apologize in behalf of them for all what they had done. I apologize for me being so naive about the reality. I apologize for me not being capable of fixing the broken pieces together. I apologize for having second thoughts on every idea that I propose in my mind because I know that it will always lead to failure. I apologize for the wrong behaviours of both parents, since even if I had seen that they both have their standpoints, I still can't help but to feel hurt because of me not doing anything about it. I apologize that I was never able to perform the role properly of being a granddaughter since my mom has a lot of grudges on the other members of your family (as my dad's side), and all what she can offer for your death is just a prayer from afar. I apologize for sacrificing myself, my schedule and my time for you because I want to see you one last time and I want my dad to be happy even a little bit. I know that my dad was so devastated that you were gone on earth. I can feel his pain as a daughter, and I am just feeling sorry for myself that I can't do anything about the situation. I can hear him crying to me lots of times on that day that you died, not only because he lost a dad, but because he doesn't receive the same level of support and respect my mom can give and show to his very own dad that had passed away. Mom, on the other hand, told me that she is afraid of looking at dead people, which makes her have a hard time to sleep, and she is sad that you, as her father-in-law had passed away since you were the only one in my dad's family that had understood her situation because of your open-mindedness. She even told me that she had talked to you through her prayers and is sorry for not having the large amount of money to give for the spendings of your burial. My dad keeps insisting that, if my mom is willing to give more money and support to his family because of your death, even if she has no money at the moment, she would have done it with her initiative to give more money intervals willingly for the sake of my dad's family. Mom thinks that since my grandmother keeps traveling to the places of other countries, she believes that they have money to support your death financially more than my family, because, in truth, my parents had a lot of bankrupted bank accounts if I'm not mistaken, which voided their credit cards, and had lots of money losses. These all happened when I was an early teen and I know everything complicated. And additional to that because we all have busy schedules, I don't know who to side with since my dad felt so weak and angry about your death at that moment, which gave him the burning desire to see you one last time, while my mom is worried that if I sacrificed myself, I will be the one to have a hard time in finishing all my projects and assignments which will be passed on the next day, so I should either go sacrifice or just pretend everything happening is just a light and easy to handle situation, that my grandfather was gone. But since I'm thinking it's not too late to do the right thing, I decided ignore the hate, anger, and regret that my mom felt to see you one last time as your granddaughter.

I may be really sad because I know that you mean a lot to me and to my family, and to everyone else who loves you. But we think that it is really destined for you to go, since there were already obvious premonitions appearing the days beforehand. And we can see that while you are lying down there, it feels like you are just sleeping, which conveys that you are happy with your death. I am glad that I was able to hold your hand when it was still a little warm. Your body is already so thin containing just skin and bones, that it makes me just flashback to the old days that you are still in good condition. As hours passed by before you were brought to the strecher, since you aren't yet in the coffin, I had held your hand one last time and kissed your forehead, and there I felt no fear of seeing you dead anymore. I had played with some of my little cousins, that even if the mother of one of them hates me in a way that she brainwashes her children to not treat me as a member of a family nor acknowledge me as their older cousin and she repeated that sickly deed again on the time we visited you, I still have the pure intention to meet you before you will be buried in a very far place, which is in your hometown province. I never had been to burial ceremonies yet. But I apologize for not being able to come. My mom doesn't want me to sacrifice myself too much because it is a long way home and it will take days before everything will go back to normal routines.

As you were carried to the strecher wrapped in a white blanket, my dad told me to bid you one last goodbye, and so I did. I can never forget you daddy (I call my father "dad" while I call my grandfathers "daddy"). My tears fell for the hundredth time of the day ever since I have heard the news that you were gone, as I watch the van disappear with my grandmother riding in it. We love you daddy! I promised myself when I grow up, I will visit all the graves of those relatives of mine, including you. Thank you for being a part of our life. We may go on as everything is going to get back to normal, but we will never forget this memory that marked our hearts. I love you daddy since you had taught me lots of life lessons that are very useful for me in the future. I love you because you had became one of those grandfathers that treat me right. I love you because you were an understanding man. I love you because your humor had made me happy during those sad times. I love you because during those days that you have stroke, you're the reason why my dad is still doing his best to live longer with us. We may not be strong, but I know that you don't want your death to affect us all. I hope that is the case daddy, since I can see that everything about now will change between my parents after this dreadful happening. If ever I can't stop this negative thing happening to happen, I'm sorry if I'm a big failure. If this is a postive thing, then I have no choice but to let everything be and just be the best daughter that I can while I still have my life ahead of me, especially when there are times that I want to give up my life because of not knowing the reason for my existence.

For now daddy, you are free, and that's what we should be happy for. Rest in peace my dear grandfather, and see you someday, not in a scary ghostly form, but maybe in a form of a butterfly or so hehe. I hope you will be going to heaven to meet the Lord. He will surely make you happy in exchange for living a miserable life here on earth stuck on one house, because of the therapies not working for you, ever since you had your stroke. We are here to thank you, to say sorry, and to love you for eternity. For the other dead souls out there, we hope they will find their happiness on the Kingdom of God and I hope you will have fun with all of them daddy.

This isn't a goodbye. This is just our beginning.