Letters To The World--AS ABOVE SO BELOW

Uncertainties and Doubts

To be honest, I don't know what I should really feel. To be honest, I don't know if my thoughts are worth entertaining. To be honest, I don't know if I am going to heal from this pain that I feel eversince. To be honest, I don't know what the future holds for someone like me. To be honest, I don't know what to say nor who to talk to anymore because I feel that I'm alone. To be honest, I don't know how to get away from the reality. To be honest, I don't know the reason on why all these things happen to me. To be honest, I don't know if I can take more of this. To be honest, I don't know what to do. Lastly, to be honest, I don't know who I really am.

Anonymously, let me just direct the things I will say to someone who was once special to me. I can't take it anymore. One more word that I will speak, then there's a big possibility that I can cry and explode. My anxiety will kill me someday, that's what I'm sure of. But the thing is, when I think of talking directly to that person, it is making me hyperventilate, thus making me weak until I fall apart. As someone said, writing can help you relieve your stress. I hope it is the same case for me. I will write to him instead, and face my fear. I don't have to fear.

Girls have these instincts that are unexplainable on why they act as such towards another person. Our gut feeling is usually a belief we may attend to, that we need to verify stuffs before concluding. I believe that I had hypothetical guesses before that there's a great possibility that you may be liking one girl, who is your friend. I even believed that she is a close friend of yours, but you always keep denying it. Why do you have to deny the things that are clearly seen by my eyes? Do you think my eyes can fail me? I may not have seen enough, which makes me hesitant to jump into conclusions, since I'm not there in your world. But seeing some obvious hints are already clues that my instincts are right. How can I verify my instincts if you always cover up the truth from me? How can I prove that such things really happen, if the facts are not presented to me? How can you make me suffer like this? How can you always make white lies for me to not get hurt? Don't you know that when you hide things from me, or at least deny things, then it means that you really never love me? You may deny this again and again. But one day, I will see the truth. One day, I will prove you that I'm right. One day, I will be strong when the truth hurt me into pieces. One day, I will be happy that you set me free, to drive me away from the painful truth.

Although, I am still wondering, up until now, even if it has already been two months that we are no longer committed to one another, if the gut feeling I had eversince was basically true all along. I know that I am already your ex. I know that I don't have the right to interfere nor inquire about your lovelife as of now. I just had a witness that proved me that my gut feelings were true the whole time. I know I only had found out about it now, but when I found out about the truth, why do I still feel the pain, even after two months? Why do I still feel angry towards you? Why do I still have mixed feelings, wherein I can never think of getting angry to that extent, but just to cry and have a breakdown instead? Why do I have to experience that you were being guilty of you cheating against me the whole time? Why did you do this to me? Why am I not enough?

My younger friend, the one who almost witnessed us having a closure. saw you by the church terminal in a place that is 2 hours far away from your hometown, He told me that he should have pictured you if he had his cellphone. You were wearing red, and I perfectly knew that it is your favorite color. You even were together with your family, including your grandmother using a walker. He told me that you even tripped while riding in the bus because you had fallen into the bait of stepping on a banana peel that he had thrown on the ground near you. Yeah, my friend did that purposefully. Even if he is a grade 4 kid, he knows the pain I have been going through. The one that pains me the most, is when he overheard the conversation of you and your grandmother. You even told her that "Grandma, I don't even know why she is mad at me. I never did anything to her." My younger friend secretly got mad at you when you said that sentence to her, which made him purposefully drop the banana peel to the ground for you to trip. By that sentence, I know you are pertaining to me, since you will never feel the guilt nor realize how great the pain you had brought and had given to me after you left me. You destroyed my reputation, my trust, my identity, my dignity and everything else. And then my friend added that, you told your grandmother that "Actually I'm happy that there are no more girls in my group of friends, except for one." And there, I feel anger and sadness at the same time. I knew that my gut feeling was right all along. I knew that you are pertaining to her, to the girl I'm so jealous of, to the girl I had a bad feeling ever since I had known that you and her were friends. And when my younger friend told me that you told your grandma that "Hmm, grandma I think I'm liking that girl, that one and only girl in our group, I think I'm falling for her. I don't know if I should ask her to be my girl or what." And there, I died. I wasn't ready for me being kicked in the gut behind my back lots of times. This was the most hurtful part of my despair for you. I expect that you will fall for her and get her to be yours, but it feels hard for me to accept. I have no choice but to talk to the moon for all the things I badly want to tell you because I don't want to hear more denials and lies from you. I should have gotten out of your way when I can feel that you were liking her. I shouldn't have stayed for almost one year because I was hurting myself the time I am by your side. I shouldn't have fallen for you when you can find someone better than me. I shouldn't have cared for you from the very start. I can say that I regret lots of things, which makes me so hurt that I want to keep crying. But I believe, that even if I suicide here in front of you, you will never care nor mind, because you finally fell for her eversince.

Our lovelife may be so rough, so toxic, and so plain boring. If I may correct your perspective in love that I once admired, I hope you do know that, if you don't feel the butterflies flying in the relationship, it doesn't mean that everything is destined to end, because you can revive the love again, if you really love the person. Love isn't all about the joy, blossom, bliss and butterflies that will flutter when you two are together. It is all about the care, support, and full presence you give to one another as you work as one until the end of time.

I will be very happy if you will never read this. You never want to listen to me and my thoughts anyways, because you always think that I'm wrong while you are right. Whether my younger friend told me a false news or not, I know one day, you will still pursue your dream of having your own family with the girl you will really love. And, for now it may hurt but, it is temporary thus I am here to wish you and her a happy lovelife. I am here to wish you both the success and blossoming lovelife you can have. I am here to wish you will last forever when we didn't. I am here to wish you won't hurt her like what you did to me. Lastly, I am here to wish that you may be a blessed couple by God.

I may be uncertain nowadays because I don't know what to feel when you are always being mentioned by my friends. I don't know if I should feel sadness or anger. I don't know if I can take more of the happenings that I will be seeing between you and your future girlfriend. I don't know how long can I stay in my deadly state, since nowadays I never felt the appetite to do the things I used to do. I don't know if the sadness and pain that I feel right now will be worthy for my future. I don't know if I should no longer be a futuristic girl, if I can't have the strength to make something out of my present. I don't know what love feels anymore, since all I feel nowadays is sadness and hate. I don't know if my thoughts will stay forever in my brain. I don't know if I can ever love myself after what you did to me.

But I believe, one day I will be grateful that you had chosen her all along instead of me. One day, I will realize that I was just too attached to the idea of being with you instead of believing that I had loved you. One day, I will believe that it is your loss of leaving someone like me. One day, I will be found by the right man who will never decide to leave me. One day, I will be loved and I will willingly love the rightful people back. Having these hopeful perspectives in me, I'm thankful that God is the only one who loves me all the way, no matter what I do or happens to me, which makes me hold on to the better days that are upcoming as I think positively. I may want to say more things to you, but I believe they are all useless. I even want to apologize to you for all the wrong things that I had done, even if I had done them out of my love for you, wherein I even forgot to love myself. But since you still think that me asking for your forgiveness is just for show and you still go against my pleas, statements and beliefs, then yes it's better for us to part ways and to like someone else. You are not right for me and I know you say the same. Therefore, I wish you a happy life ahead, without your past. It's too saddening that you never know how to look back in the past memories who made you who you are as of today, just because you think that the past is toxic. Remember that the future will never exist without the past. And therefore, I'm thankful that you are part of my past. This may be my last words for you. Who knows?

I hate you.

I love you.

I hate that I love you.

I don't want to, but I can't put nobody else above you.

I hate you.

I love you.

I hate that I love you.

You love her. You need her.

And I'll never be her.🎵🎶🎵😊

Because I am me, myself and I.

___________________________

I just transcripted the thoughts of my friend who is currently heartbroken~ XD

Hope you enjoy this.

P.S This is the one of the longest essays I had written. It had 2053 words. I apologize for the randomness, but it's the best I can do hehehehe

Dedicated to Siddhi_1111