Letters To The World--AS ABOVE SO BELOW

All This Time

It's unbelievable to see that everything is falling apart. It's unbelievable to see that everything is suddenly appearing like bubbles because of me being slapped to the truth. It's unbelievable that people see everything that is happening to me are light to handle and I'm faking things. It's unbelievable that all things fade within the blink of our eyes. It's unbelievable that out of all the people I needed, you never know what I really need as of now.

You do know that things had started out really great. We had these moments that are very small, but they are really striking in my brain. We had these sweet talks that only us can relate. We had these memories that I'm willing to cherish forever as long as I still love you. But sadly, as a circle of life, if there are ups, then there are downs. Yes, we both had our flaws. Yes, we both made mistakes. Yes, we may not be the best couple in town or rather in the world. Yes, we had lots of misconceptions. Yes, we have lower chance of meeting up because we are like Romeo and Juliet, having a secret and illegal relationship. Yes, we aren't illegal in your family, but to mine, we are. Yes, we may have lots of chances within our reach, but we chose not to grab them. And in the end, you gave up.

It was just confusing to think why did that happen when everything was almost perfect. We are all humans. We all make mistakes. We can make it up for them, right? At first, of course I felt hurt and angry that you just shut me out. But as days passed by, my mind keep flashbacking those great times that we had, instead of the negative ones. As I feel that you are angry at the things that I had done in our relationship that made you hate it, I had realized that you hate me, and that made me feel guilty. I was guilty for being so childish to you. I was guilty for being so insecure that I easily get jealous to the girl space friends you got. I was guilty for not being the best version of me, that made you leave me at my worst. I was guilty for giving my all without even thinking twice. I was guilty for loving you too much. I badly want to fix those stuffs again as I realize those things. Sadly, you instantly moved on so easily, while I'm still suffering in the painful darkness that you had left me. Therefore, I just choose not to bother you anymore and to fix myself instead. I can say that I still love you, but I knew you will never feel the same, so I'm ready to leave our love behind. I'm so sick and tired of the one-sided same old love.

I never had gotten the chance to read your mind, even if we had been friends for 2 years flat. You suddenly became the person I never expected to be. You suddenly changed into someone you're not. You have these thoughts and traits that developed lately when you were in the new world, so I can never predict what are they conveying anymore. I never had read your side so transparently ever since you left me silently and I ended everything with my words. Yes, I regretted it, but you think that i wanted all of this. You chose to stop because it's what you think it's best. You chose to stop because you know that you can never accept that we are meant for each other. You chose to stop because you believe there is another girl out there which is better and similar with you that makes her easy to love. You chose to stop because your love for me faded in the blink of an eye.

And recently, I'm doing my best to be strong as I distract myself with my studies and family for me not to think of you. There were most times that I daydream about you, but I'm only doing it for the sake of using that repeated scenario for my story in the future. I'm a forgetful person and I have no safe venue to write such long scenes, so I decided to let them keep playing in my head, for me to be immune as possible, even if at times it hurts. I had found out little by little that you wanted to be there for me as a friend, even if we are no longer in a relationship. I was hurt because, all this time, you didn't know me in that high extent. All this time, you didn't consider my side. All this time, you were just thinking of your own self, then you will have the guts to face me just as a friend? Why? Is it for you to raise your "friend count"? I'm just one person, it won't make a big change in your social life. All this time, you didn't consider of continuing our relationship. In conclusion, all this time, you never know what I really needed.

I don't need your sympathy. I don't need your guilt. I don't need your acceptance. I don't just need your friendship, but your whole self. I may say that I wanted to be friends with you again, if ever that you don't hate me. But I'm sorry, because I think that if I become friends with you, I will be a looser again. Yes I may pretend to you that I'm a strong person. I may pretend to you that everything around me is making me happy. I may keep pretending to you since we are just "friends". I have no right to expose more of my sides to you because we are no longer a thing. And since you don't have feelings for me anymore when we will become friends, I hope that I won't fall for you. I will support you in all circumstances like what I do before, but more at least you can see the differences, if ever you really wanted to be officially friends with me again. I'm just wondering on why do you want to be there for me. Is it because you felt remorse? Regret? Guilt? Too bad you don't want to be there for me because of the "love". So I really hope I won't fall for you, because I know that you're never gonna be there to catch me whenever I do.

As they say, loving is the art of letting go. All this time, I may be loving one person so much. All this time, I may be a fool to not open my heart to anyone else and focus on myself until the very end. All this time, I may stay faithful to someone who isn't because of him wanting to leave me eversince. All this time, I am wishing we will never break.
All this time, I was thinking he was "The One". All this time, I have my log book of names for my future children with him. But unfortunately, all this time, I was just fantasizing things. Now I have to get up and face reality, whether being the "real me" or being the "needy me" or being the "pretentious but strong me". It's up to the world to handle a girl like me. I may change my attitudes for the better, but I will do them for myself, since I can never please others. I don't want to appear weak to others ever again. I hope I won't lose on this battle as I heal and ready myself. I hope I will not fall for him again because we are never meant to be.