Peter's Little Peter

Dick in Box

The better things go with Audrey, the worse I feel. We text all the time, and we talk on the phone every night before bed. Plus, I stop by Coffee Fix everyday after school. It's not official-official, but I'm pretty sure that she's my girlfriend, and I'm her boyfriend. Which is amazing. Except for the fact that she keeps hinting that we should go skinny-dipping next Saturday.

"There's a pond nearby where we can skinny-dip," she says.

OK, so it's not really a hint. To her, it's a promise, and an exciting one at that. Because the idea of seeing Audrey naked sends an electric current through my body that charges all three inches. But to me, it's a threat. Well, not a threat exactly. I know Audrey doesn't mean it like that. But if she's naked, I have to be naked. Otherwise, it's just rude. And if I'm naked, she's going to see that the cucumber was a lie.

But I can't see any way to get out of skinny-dipping. It's too late to tell Audrey that I can't swim, because one of the things she asked me before bringing up this topic was whether or not I could swim. Girls are funny that way. They have this gift for asking questions that gather little pieces of information, so when it's time to ask the big question, you pretty much have to tell the truth. 

Not that it matters. If I had told Audrey that I couldn't swim, she'd think of some other excuse for us to get naked. Like she told me one afternoon at Coffee Fix, when business was slow, she's a very sexual person. Then she launched into this whole discussion about how women are every bit as sexual as men, but how female sexuality threatens the patriarchy. I had to look up a lot of the words Audrey used in that conversation, including patriarchy. But I got the gist. 

Audrey really hates what she calls the "bullshit macho myths that are the basis of the patriarchy." In fact, she hates those myths so much that "destroying the patriarchy" is the basis of her art. Actually, she says destroying the patriarchy is the raison d'être for her art, but it basically means the same thing, except Audrey likes to use French because it sounds cooler. As for her art, she still hasn't shown me, because she says it's not quite ready.

Of course, I'm not quite ready to show Audrey my own work-in-progress, either. So I guess that makes two of us. Not that my dick is a work of art. Not yet anyway.

So, I check with Elroy to see if he'll cook me up another batch of Chub Potion Number Nine 2.0. But all Elroy says is that he got some "troubling data" back from Colonel Mustard's lab results.

"I feel fine," I say, ignoring the plight of Colonel Mustard. "My problem is, I'm the same size."

"Peter, I think, given what we know now, thanks to the bravery and sacrifice of Colonel Mustard, we're going to need to halt the project."

"Halt the project?" I ask. "But you promised me length and girth, and I've got neither."

"Yes, but you do have a girlfriend, and you've told me that she makes you very happy. Plus, the jocks have stopped bullying you. And the mean girls have stopped harassing you online."

"They have?" I ask.

"Yes, Peter. Haven't you reactivated your accounts?"

"No," I say. "To be honest, once I got over the initial shock of leaving social media, I found that I really don't miss it. I mean, I haven't seen a single spoiler for any of my favorite shows. Plus, everyone is such a phony online anyway, posting selfies with filters. It's not who they are in real life."

"Imagine that," Elroy says in a sarcastic tone.

"Besides, Audrey isn't on social media, so it's not like I'm missing anything she has to say."

"She's not on social media?" Elroy says. He sounds surprised, but then he adds, "Well, I guess that makes sense."

"Why's that?" I ask.

"Oh, you know Audrey."

"That's right," I say. "I do know Audrey, and I know that if I don't have a big dick by Saturday, she's going to dump me. So, can you help me or not?"

"Peter, I think I have helped you," Elroy says. "You've grown so much."

"I haven't grown an inch," I snap. "And you promised me three to four inches, plus girth."

I hang up the phone before Elroy can respond. I'm tired of his broken promises anyway. But as soon as I hang up, I realize that I'm in trouble. Elroy's Chub Potion Number Nine and Chub Potion Number Nine 2.0 haven't helped me grow, but they did offer hope, and that was something.

Now, I'm hopeless. And even though my chances of getting a bigger penis haven't really changed, my goal somehow feels more elusive. Because even if you're trying something that doesn't work, at least you're trying. But at the moment, I don't have any way at all to make my dick bigger. And so all I can think to do is sit in my room and sulk.

Then something unexpected, but in retrospect, entirely predictable happens. Someone rings the doorbell, and since my parents are both at work, I pull myself off my bed, and drag myself to the front door.

I open the door in time to see the UPS driver's back as he jogs back to his truck. Down at my feet, I see a package. That's not so unusual. Mom is addicted to Amazon, so there are afternoons when I feel like clerk in a mailroom with all the packages we get. But this package is different.

This package has my name on it.

And the return address is from somewhere in Florida.

Who do I know in Florida?

Then I pick up the box and examine it. I recognize the name of the sender. It's a company called Big Time Products, and among other items, they make the Extender 2. I saw their ad on a porn site a few weeks ago, but with everything else that was going on, I had forgotten about the Extender 2, and its promise (money back guarantee, actually) to "turn small guys into huge men."

But here it is. Here's my very own Extender 2. It's my dick in a box, and as soon as I open it, I know all my problems will be solved.

🙌Thank you for reading!🙌

Elroy has a point that maybe penis size and happiness aren't the same thing. Why do you think Peter can't see that?🧐

Audrey's art is all about taking down the patriarchy, especially what she calls the "bullshit macho myths." What do you think she'd make of Peter's quest for a bigger penis ?🍆

Do you think Audrey is a size queen, or do you think the rumors about her are all wrong?❤️

Should Peter try the Extender 2?💪

Be honest. Is "Dick in a Box" a great SNL sketch, or the greatest SNL sketch?

Don't forget to vote!🙏