Peter's Little Peter

Meme Girls Strike Back

I wait for Becky Spade at the front entrance to the school. I'm on time, but she ends up being five minutes late. I guess that's a fashion thing. She rolls up in a red convertible that draws everyone's attention. As I walk to Becky's car, I get the sense that she wants the entire school to see her giving me a ride. What I don't know if why.

"Hey Peter," Becky shouts. 

She sounds a little to friendly, and her voice is a little louder than it needs to be because I'm only about four feet from her car. But I guess she's speaking for the benefit of the kids who are watching us. It's sad, I think. School is over for the day. And yet most of my classmates can think of nothing better to do than to study the latest shakeup in John Wayne High School's social hierarchy.

"Where to?" she asks as I get in.

I tell Becky where I live. She slams on the gas and we speed out of the parking lot. But as soon as we're out of sight, the old Becky Spade, the meme girl who started this entire mess with her comment about me needing a bigger banana, returns.

"Let's get something straight," she hisses. "This free the peen bullshit stops now."

I'm not sure what to say, so I just turn my eyes forward and watch the road.

"I'm serious, Peter. It stops now. Do you hear me?"

"I hear you, but I'm not sure why you're asking me."

"I'm not asking, I'm telling."

Becky Spade reminds me of Principal Boone, except unlike the man who's supposed to run our school, the meme girl who really runs the school is full of venom. 

I fear Becky Spade. I've feared her from day one. Nick Spears and the rest of the football team made my life miserable, but it was Becky Spade who set them in motion. They probably wouldn't have noticed me if it hadn't been for Becky Spade. The football players may dish out the bullying at John Wayne High School, and the other kids may go along with it and even join in, but it's the meme girls, led by Becky Spade, who set the bullying agenda. She decides who is worthy of high school glory, and who will be sacrificed on the alter of popularity. 

"Becky-"

"Don't use my first name, Peter."

"Then what do I call you?"

"You don't call me," she hisses. "You just speak when you're spoken to."

Becky pulls over to the side of the road.

"This free the peen bullshit stops now. Are we clear?"

I want to tell her yes, but I can't.

"I'm not the one behind free the peen."

"Of course you are," she says. "Everyone knows you did it to get revenge. Everyone knows you did the flag, the banner, and the cake. And you setup the Twitter account. Well, you've got three, but you're not doing the full eleven."

"I didn't do anything. I don't even have a Twitter account. I've been off of social media since..."

"Since?"

"Since you started the Peter's Little Peter hashtag," I say.

Becky smirks. And for a moment it's as if her mind goes somewhere else, like she's reminiscing about her greatest online bullying campaigns ever. I don't know who or what made Becky Spade the person she is, but as I sit here in her car, I realize that I am in the presence of someone truly diabolical. I realize that Becky Spade is the Sith Lord of John Wayne High School. 

"Swear to me that free the peen is over, and I'll drive you home," Becky Spade.

There's not an or else at the end of that sentence, but there doesn't need to be. When Becky Spade speaks, the threat is implied in her tone. But what I don't understand is why free the peen bothers her.

"Why do you care?" I ask.

"Isn't that obvious."

"No."

"It was a rhetorical question, Peter."

"Oh."

"John Wayne High School is my high school."

It's my high school too, but the way Becky says my high school, it makes it sound like she owns the place. And I suppose that's true, from a certain point of view. On the surface, it's all about football and worshipping football players. But if you think about it, the football players are pretty much mindless automatons. They're basically Storm Troopers - all blasters, no brains.  And if Becky Spade is the Sith Lord of John Wayne High School, she has them tethered to her leash. Because whatever she says, whatever she thinks, whatever she feels is how it's going to be at John Wayne High School.

That's why her comment about my banana - a cruel, but seemingly forgettable comment - stuck so firmly in the minds of the school's bullies. It was a whistle, a signal to the pack to zero in on me and make my life miserable. And that's why she has a problem with free the peen. Someone else is calling the shots, someone other than Becky Spade. 

Unfortunately, that someone isn't me. If it were me, I'd abandon free the peen. Despite Elroy's faith in my big dick energy, I'm no Luke Skywalker. My high school destiny is to graduate and get the hell out of Texas, not confront the meme girl Sith Lord. 

"Look, I'm really sorry, but I can't help you. I want to help you. I mean, I'd be willing to help you, I guess. But I don't have anything to do with free the peen. Everyone thinks I do because, well, it involves peens, and I guess you can't think about peens at John Wayne High School without thinking about me. Plus, Principal Boone hauled me into his office, and I guess that got the rumor mill going, but Principal Boone is an idiot."

"So?"

"So, if I had done it, Principal Boone would've suspended me. But he let me go after an hour. Doesn't that tell you something?"

Becky considers this. 

"He thinks it was me because he thinks I have it in for Nick Spears," I say. "But you and I both know how stupid that sounds. Nick Spears could beat the crap out of me, and everyone would cheer."

"That's true."

"So why would I poke the bear?"

"To get back at him for pantsing you."

"But didn't I already do that at the assembly?"

Becky thinks about this for a moment. I can tell that what I've said has forced her to reconsider her theory of the case. But then I decide that I might need to give her just a little nudge, so I bust out the Jedi mind trick.

"I'm not the peen you're looking for," I say.

And to my surprise, Becky response is, "You're not the peen I'm looking for."

But before I can celebrate my successful use of the Jedi mind trick, Becky Spade tells me to get out of her car. I comply. And the second I shut the door behind me, Becky Spade slams on the gas and speeds away.

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