Peter's Little Peter

The Last Peen Standing

Peens nine and ten are elaborate photo-realistic renderings of dick shots painted onto each end zone of the John Wayne High School football field. Or, as some kids immediately label them: "dueling peens." Seriously, what's with the ability of teenagers to coin nicknames and labels? It's almost as if everyone is auditioning for a career in advertising. 

Dueling Peens.

Danny Ding Dong.

Peter's Little Peter.

Still, the real creativity belongs to Audrey. Although I'm horrified by her subject, I can't fault her artistry. I don't know how she plans to present her peen-folio, but I'm certain that her work will gain her admission to every school she's applied to. Nevertheless, as the rest of the school awaits the eleventh and final peen, I find myself questioning Audrey's actions. 

On the one hand, Free The Peen has been a masterful exercise in revenge. I'm not sure of the exact circumstances that led Audrey to choose her targets, but over the course of three days, she's pretty much made life miserable for the boys who, Elroy insists, made her life miserable in the months and weeks leading up her expulsion last year. 

On the other hand, Audrey's actions strike me as cruel. Sure, the boys she targeted have spent their entire high school careers targeting others students, making their lives miserable. In that sense, they deserve what they get. But there's something off about Audrey's tit-for-tat approach.

"OK, tit-for-tat was a bad choice of words," I say. "I've got boobs on the brain."

"You should be clear to, um, clear the pipes," Elroy says. 

"And I plan to," I say. "Just as soon as that final bell rings. I'm running home to take care of business."

"What are you going to do two minutes after that?"

"Funny," I say. "Fact is, I haven't gone this long without jacking it, so my guess is I'll probably be good to go a few minutes later."

"That's another two minutes of your life you'll never get back."

I don't mind Elroy teasing me like this. For one thing, we're both laughing. For another thing, it's just the two of us at lunch, going over the same topic as yesterday - Audrey and the mysteries of my subconscious. But mostly, I don't mind because Elroy is right. I'm in greater need of a jerk-off session than any boy in the history of puberty. 

"Is it just me, or are the hairnets on the food servers super erotic?" I ask.

Elroy glances at the food servers.

"It's just you," he says. "My guess is they remind you of fishnet stockings, which remind you of lingerie-"

"Which reminds me that we shouldn't go there," I say.

"Stay strong, Peter. Just a few more hours."

Elroy sips from his water bottle, and I eat a soggy French fry. I want to get back on topic, not just because talking to Elroy about the ethics of Audrey's project is a good distraction from the throbbing three inches in my pants, but because I'm genuinely concerned. It seems to me that Audrey isn't all that different from the bullies she has targeted. Sure, she has a reason, and I suppose you could say that the football players deserve their comeuppance. But isn't Free The Peen just another example of the endless bullying at John Wayne High School?

"My sister once said that High School is like The Hunger Games," Elroy says.

"I never read the books," I say.

"But you saw the movies?"

"The first one," I say. "To be honest, I was kind of grossed out by the idea of kids killing each other."