Peter's Little Peter

The Dark Side of Big Dick Energy

Back when I was on social media, I saw this meme that said: those who can, do; those who can't, teach; those who can't teach, teach at my school. The meme featured a picture of Jack Black from School of Rock, but it just as easily couldn't been a picture of Principal Boone.

"I don't know how you did it, or why you did it, but as far as I'm concerned, you're the mastermind behind this free the peen stunt."

It's difficult, but I manage to suppress a smirk when I hear Principal Boone say the word "peen." I guess that's the right word, given the writing on the flag, but it's hard to take someone like Principal Boone seriously when he uses an internet slang word for penis. Still, I take him seriously when he says he's going to "nail" me for this.

"But I didn't do anything," I protest.

"That's exactly what a guilty man would say," Principal Boone counters.

"It's also what an innocent man would say."

Principal Boone frowns, which tells me he knows I'm right. And seeing that frown, something stirs inside of me, a feeling of satisfaction. No, not satisfaction exactly. I feel like I'm better than Principal Boone, like I'm smarter, like I can beat him at his own game, because that's what I did at that abomination of an assembly to apologize to Nick Spears, and that's what I'm doing right now. I feel smug.

"Everyone knows you have it in for Nick Spears," Principal Boone snaps.

Nick Spears? What's he got to do with this? And everyone knows I have it in for him? Who talks like that? Principal Boone makes it sound like I'm some villain in a terrible gangster movie, one of the old black and white ones that Audrey probably likes. I have it in for Nick Spears? Yeah right. And just how am I supposed to do in Nick Spears? Since the assembly, we haven't crossed paths, but that's because the football players still shoot me dirty looks whenever I see one of them in the hall. 

"Someone snuck onto campus in the dead of night, removed the American flag, and replaced it with that..." Principal Boone waivers, turns beet-red, then finds his footing. "That flag is obscene, Peter. Do you realize you could be prosecuted for distribution of child pornography?"

I have no idea what Principal Boone is talking about. Why on Earth would I be charged with a crime? I didn't fly that flag. And how is that flag child pornography? Then, without realizing it, Principal Boone answers my question.

"Nick Spears is in the other room, Peter. He's pretty shaken up, OK. I don't blame him, having your manhood flying high in the air for the entire school to see, that could ruin anyone, even a fine young man like Nick Spears?"

"A fine young man like Nick Spears!" I snap. "Principal Boone, you do realize that Nick Spears pantsed me in front of the entire school? Because of him, everyone saw my dick. Everyone!"

I can feel my blood boiling. I want to scream at Principal Boone all day long. I want to tell him that he sucks at his job, that his hard-on for a winning football program blinds him to the fact that he has empowered the bullies at this dipshit academy. I want to tell him that Nick the dick Spears is the problem, not me. But the more I rage about what Nick did to me, the more it sounds like I have a motive.

"Peter, this entire thing would be a lot easier if you just confessed," Principal Boone says. "Tell me what you did. Then tell us where you put the gosh darn American flag, son. Because stealing a flag is a federal offense, probably. Then you march right into the other room and you apologize to Nick. And I mean a real apology this time."

"Apologize? Why on Earth would I apologize?" 

"Do you realize that Nick hasn't been the same on the field since your little apology stunt at the assembly? Well, it's true. We have shot at state. State, Peter. Nick could get a college scholarship. That means he has a chance to play big time college football. Heck, he might even go pro someday. Don't you realize what that would do for the football program here at John Wayne High School?"