Flying Too Close to the Sun

Pippa

           

I woke up the next morning, my heart feeling heavy.  Lin was laying next to me, still sleeping.  I'd tossed and turned all night and he'd apparently slept like a baby.  How could he sleep without a care when our five year old daughter had cancer?

I felt momentarily disgusted, then got out of bed, heading to the shower.  My body felt stressed all the time.  My muscles were tense and there was a weight on my heart and between my eyes.  As a mother, I wanted to do everything in my power to get my child healthy again.  I would stop at nothing and spare no expense.  Why wasn't Lin on board with taking her to St. Jude's?  We might not get another shot at this.  Why not take her to the best place in the country?

When I'd gotten out, the bed was empty and I heard Lin's voice down the hall.  Raina was crying quietly.  I walked down the hall and saw Lin stripping the sheets off her bed.  She must have thrown up again.

"Come here, sweetheart," I called, holding out my hand.  "Mommy will get you washed off."

Lin didn't look at me as he gathered her dirty sheets, then took them to the washer.  I gently shooshed Raina as I walked her to the bathroom.  It had gotten in her hair so I decided to give her a shower.  She hated showers.  She started bawling when I turned it on.

"Mommy I don't want a shower," she cried as I stripped off her pajama talk.  She didn't like the way the water hit her in the face.

"I know, baby, but it's all in your hair," I told her.  She cried as I helped her into the tub.  I rolled up my sleeves and helped wash her hair; what little was left.  By the time we were done, Lin had gotten breakfast ready for all the other kids.  It was a school day, so we had to keep going.  Even when we were facing a nightmare.

Molly was at the table, looking through her Social Studies textbook, and I realized she had a big test today she'd been nervous about.  I'd promised her I'd help her study, but I'd completely forgotten.

"Molly, I'm so sorry," I apologized, getting Raina seated.  "I just got too caught up last night."

"It's alright," she mumbled, but I could tell she was hurt.  Raina had been our main focus for the last month and I knew it was taking a toll on the other kids.  I hated that this was hurting them.  I leaned down, kissed her head, and squeezed her shoulders.

"I'm sure you'll do great," I told her.  "You always do."

She nodded and kept studying.  Usually, mornings at home were filled with gentle touches, kisses, but there was none of that this morning. Lin and I both focused on the kids and didn't pay each other any mind.   Cam, Molly and Felix headed out to school, leaving us alone with Raina.  Lin picked her up and carried her to the couch so they could snuggle.  I hated to admit it, but I was a little jealous.

I picked up my cup of coffee and sat at one of the other seats.

"Do I hafta go to the hospital today?" she asked Lin quietly.  They were watching Elana of Avalor.

"No, baby," he told her.  "Tomorrow."

"Why do I hafta keep going?" She picked up one of his hands and played with it.

"Well, the medicine they give you is gonna help you get better," he patiently explained.

"But it makes my hair fall out and it makes me throw up," she said, not understanding.  Lin closed his eyes and gently rubbed her arm.

"I know, baby," he said.  "The medicine makes you feel lousy right now, but it's killing the bad cells inside you."

She sighed and Lin hugged her tighter.  Tears filled my eyes.  I knew Lin wanted what was best for Raina too, and I didn't know what we'd do if we lost her.  Life would be unbearable.

We spent the next hour or so avoiding each other.  When Raina fell asleep on the couch, we finally crossed paths in the kitchen.  We made eye contact and knew we needed to talk this out.

"Pip," he began, tucking his hands in his jeans pockets.  "I know St. Jude's is a great place.  But so is Mount Sanai.  And if she's here she's with family and she gets to sleep in her own bed."

"But her treatment isn't working," I pointed out.  "I think we need to try something else."

"We are," he said.  "They're giving her different medicine this time.  We need to see how this rides out and then think about moving her if we want."

"See how this rides out?" I asked, exasperated.  "She could die!"

"Pip, it's not that serious yet," he said.

"Not that serious?" I asked, my voice rising.  "It's fucking cancer, Lin.  How much more serious can you get?"

"It's not terminal right now," he said as I pushed past him to do some dishes.  I needed to keep my hands busy.  "We don't need to disrupt her world just because we're scared."

He sighed, leaning his hip against the counter next to me.  "What if we get a second opinion here in the city?" he suggested.  "We could see if they agree with Mount Sanai and go from there."

That seemed like a reasonable compromise for now.  New York City had tons of hospitals and it would be easy enough to take her to one.  It would mean more tests for Raina, but she was being prodded all the time now.  We agreed and I got out my laptop to do some searches for children's doctors specializing in her cancer.  Lin walked to the couch, picked up Raina, and took her to her bed.