Can you love me now, Zayn?

Chapter 9

They were both very busy so the following two weeks passed quickly. Zayn had been contracted by the LA Times as an independent journalist which was keeping him busy with the added bonus that he also got to see Liam quite a bit.

Harry was busy working, too, although Zayn still didn't know what he was doing. He'd asked several times but Harry was evasive and would say things like "yeah, it's just stuff I'll tell you about later", but Zayn wasn't sure when the "later" was ever going to be.

Despite the fact they'd been away from one another for so long, they fell back into living together very easily. But there were things bothering Zayn. Other than a few blow-jobs Harry had given him, they hadn't been sexually intimate at all. Zayn didn't want to rush Harry into that, of course, but he was missing that with him. At the same time, he was feeling crowded by Harry in a physical sense.

Most mornings Zayn would awaken with Harry lying on his side next to him curled up into Zayn's body as close as he could get. Several times Zayn had to gently push him away because Harry's body heat was making him sweat. Even when they weren't in bed together, Harry would often stand as close to Zayn as he could when they were cooking in the kitchen, or if they watched a movie together on Netflix, Harry would wrap himself in a blanket and then sit next to Zayn on the sofa, so closely that Zayn couldn't move without accidentally elbowing Harry in the ribs.

Zayn found the physical contact almost stifling, especially coming from Harry, who had been so hesitant – even afraid - to be touched in the past, but now Harry was the opposite and something about it didn't sit right with Zayn. He was afraid that Harry was still doing things because that's what he thought Zayn wanted from him. He was having a difficult time trying to find a way to talk to Harry about it, afraid that anything he said might be taken as rejection. But Zayn didn't want to reject him, it's not that he didn't want to be with Harry physically, but nothing about Harry's clinginess felt "normal" to Zayn.

One day he talked to Liam about it over lunch.

"So what do you think is different?" asked Liam, before shoving French fries into his mouth.

"I'm not sure, but I think he's afraid of losing me, so he keeps doing things that he thinks I want. The other day he made me a sandwich and put mayonnaise on it like I asked. Do you know in all the time we lived together before he would NEVER even touch mayonnaise. He hates it".

"So? He's just trying to be more flexible, that's a good thing, isn't it?" asked Liam, attempting to be the voice of reason.

"Yeah", Zayn said while biting into his burger, then nodding slowly while he chewed. "But it's not just that, it's....I don't know how to explain it...it's like he feels desperate or something, and anything I say, seems to only make it worse".

"Like what?" asked Liam, "Honestly, it sounds like you're complaining because he wants to make you happy – that's a bit weird, isn't it?"

"I guess so", said Zayn, still unconvinced. "I can't relax around him, though".

"What do you mean?"

"He's making me nervous. He won't sit still, or let anything go. Even around the house, he's constantly cleaning, constantly picking up after me or serving me. It's nice to do that for someone sometimes, but he's not my slave. I don't want him to feel like he has to do everything, but he does it all before I even have a chance. It's like he's....it's like he's trying to earn my love or something – you know? But, he already has it, so it's...more pathetic than it is nice. Do you know what I mean?"

"Zayn, honestly, it sounds like you just need to make him feel more secure about your relationship. Is he afraid you're going to cheat on him again?" asked Liam.